Ultimate Guide to Internet Dating

I was only embraced by the swamps of internet love for one year- that’s six months of paid time plus the six free months I got for being a total failure for the first half. I eventually found the secret to success, even though I suffered through many misfortunes, including this picture from a potential suitor:


Essentially, all you have to do is prepare correctly – do this one thing: make sure anyone you’re interested in has been at the internet thing for at least one month; in other words, long enough to have experienced plenty of winks, e-Harmony postings, and Match.com messages to have had their faith in the opposite sex completely destroyed. If they’ve actually been on some real life dates, even better. Then, all you have to do, is act normal. These are some actual stories that were shared with me by women on Match…

1.    “After not responding to his first inquiry, some guy e-mailed me a second time, promising that if I would talk to him he would send me a piece of fan-fiction he’d written about Garfield accidentally eating a ‘suicide lasagna’ that was meant for one of Jon’s terminally ill friends.” [ed. note – I’ve already searched the internet for this with no luck]

2.    “After appetizers at Applebees, he told me he was a photographer.  This line of conversation quickly lead to where I feared it would – he wanted me to come home with him that night for a fully nude session. I will give him credit for not bothering to lie when I jokingly asked him if they would be tasteful.”

3.    “Because I had listed ‘dogs’ on my profile under my ‘Likes’, he thought taking me to a dog park on our first date would be a good idea. It was quite awkward being there without a dog to begin with, but then he started wrestling with a border collie. And I do mean wrestling – he was covered in mud by the end. He also told me if he ever got a dog he would name it ‘Sexy Bitch’ and all the reasons why that would be funny.”

4.    This guy, who was 20 years older than me, asked me to come to his cabin for the weekend with him and his kid. He could tell I was reticent, to say the least, so he reassured me there was no reason to worry, ‘we would not be humping in front of his boy’”.

5.    “Well, one guy seemed totally normal for date number one, so I asked him over for a group dinner with friends.  The short version of the story is that he ended up passed out drunk in my bed after hitting on all the males in attendance and when that failed,  trying to stick his finger up my bum.”

As you can see, not only do these stories prove that you will have relative success on ‘net-bred meetings if you just manage to avoid humping up on strange dogs, but they are quite amusing in and of themselves. So much so, I think an ingenious proposal for a website would be called www.matchhell.com (I already registered it, so don’t bother trying) featuring horrific accounts of dates. It would be like a combination of Facebook, Amazon, and Twitter 3.0 for the lonely generation!  I doubt if that makes any sense, but I’m hoping buzzwords like ‘Twitter 3.0’ will keep the venture capitalists reading my e-mails a little longer than they normally would…  one response is all it takes.  Then, once I make my money, I can finally join www.dateamillionaire.com, where the rewards for not humping up on a strange dog will be greater than I ever imagined.