Even though I never really had anything against The Home Depot, the only reason I was shopping there is that my parents gave me a gift card (even though I specifically asked for a gift card to The Dream Palace Gentleman’s Club). So, I ordered a garbage disposal off of your website. At this point, my only wish is that once I finally get this thing, Mrs. Home Depot will somehow lose her wedding ring down my kitchen sink, and then my blood-spattered face will be laughing maniacally after I turn it on while you (Mr. Home Depot) are searching for it. What sort of customer service nightmare would cause me to have such an extreme reaction? Admittedly, it was not a disastrous one, just an incredibly annoying one. Also, I am not an emotionally “sound” person to begin with.
Let me point out that “the convenience of online shopping” cannot be spelled without “convenience”. After I placed my order, it appeared that you had not charged my gift card at all, only my credit card. Naturally, I sent an e-mail one minute later to explain the situation. And naturally, I was sent a shipping confirmation two days later before you replied to my e-mail stating that nothing could be done because my order had already been sent – you said it was my responsibility to call UPS and refuse the order.
I called UPS and attempted to refuse the order. Instead of using your phrasing (“refuse” has such an off-putting tone), I told them that “I would like to decline your generous offer of a parcel”. I also followed it with, “you deaf fucking robot,” because it was an automated system that would not understand anything I said. Once I got a human, she acted like I was an idiot because I didn’t know I would have to wait for the actual delivery before refusing it. You you got me again, Home Depot!
For some reason I decided to go into an actual store and plead my case (with tears). They gave me many reasons why I was an idiot. You’d won again!
I imagine the conclusion of this thing will be me sending back the package for a credit and buying it at the store with the gift card. It will be completely anticlimactic… until you open the package. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but you should probably tell Mrs. Home Depot you love her while you still can and maybe watch the movie Seven together if you appreciate irony.