To My Home Owners Association…

Over the last few weeks, I have received several letters from the HOA president, Timothy, complaining about how he was being “unfairly” removed from his office. Today I received one from the board complaining about those letters, and these depicted his removal somewhat differently… as “fair”. Fascinating.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but the HOA should go completely unnoticed for those of us (99% of the residents) who would like to ignore it. I would compare it to Herpes – you just pay your bills and hope you never hear from it. Please don’t be offended, I am not equating any specific board member with genital warts… except for one – specifically, the one who called into question Tim’s actions regarding his use of unapproved gopher poison to deal with our pigeon problem. How dare you.  As you noted, it may have killed “15 pigeons, some smaller birds, one cat, and a squirrel (that we know of)”, but what exactly was your solution? I know Tim is an ex-cop – I just hope he possessed the same regard for life and levels of excessive overreaction he does now.

While I did find your letter completely unprofessional and overwhelmingly annoying, there were a couple parts that made me giggle: implying Tim destroyed ballots of an amendment vote to serve his own interests, implying Tim fired property mangers because of personal vendettas, admonishing Tim for taking credit for how nice the property looked when it is the result of maintenance staff, and finally thanking Tim for still serving on the board.

To sum up, will you please stop sending me these letters and do something about the people who live below me and constantly have a trash bag beside their front door? I used to live in an apartment complex where lots of people did this, but it didn’t matter because everyone was much more concerned with their underwear getting stolen out of the washing machines or being murdered in the middle of the night.  Your letter goes through great pains to emphasize the beauty of our condominiums and your yeoman’s effort to keep them that way, so c’mon…

“No Poop on the Front Stoop (not literally… but please take it literally, too)!”

Please don’t make me start stapling that message to all our palm trees.


(FYI, the reason I sent this anonymously so when you send a 5-page rebuttal to the entire complex I won’t get the blame, ok? Thanks.)