Definitely, Maybe
3.0 Stars
If you loved the wacky used-book-based twist of Serendipity, then you’ll love this piece of crap!
0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
American Teen
4.0 Stars
A pretty good modern-doc. Back in my own school days, I was not even one of the “character types” portrayed here (though I most closely resembled the ultra popular, intelligent, star athlete!), but a handful of strong memories were stirred up by this film.
0 out of 10 people found this review helpful.
Live Free or Die Hard
1.0 Stars
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. It dies when the Mac guy is the best thing it has going for it.
0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Heavy Metal Parking Lot
2.0 Stars
Entertaining video of a bunch of shirtless burnouts drinking light beer and yelling at the camera… but it is only ten minutes long! Shirtless burnouts are good for at least half an hour… way too short.
0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
Death Sentence
3.0 Stars
What rightfully should have been called “Kevin Bacon’s Death Wish VI”, this may be the most prescient parable about the Iraq war of our generation. Instead of hitting us over the head with didactic speeches or Hollywood-style bombast, it only relies on the brilliantly understated performance of a bald Kevin Bacon going crazy with a .357 Magnum.
0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.
28 Weeks Later
2.0 Stars
This kept a couple cool things from the first one – the music, shaky cams, a creepy initial 5 minutes – but left many other things behind, including a general respect for the intelligence of the audience. This seems to be an emerging trend in zombie sequels that I believe should end immediately… and I know you Hollywood fat cats are reading this!
0 out of 8 people found this review helpful.
I Know Who Killed Me
1.0 Stars
This movie brilliantly combines the best elements of Showgirls, The Empire Strikes Back, The Parent Trap, and Hostel, along with plenty of Lynch-ian influences like blue motifs, themes of split identity, and owls. In fact, I am so fond of it, I kind of want to keep it to myself. You know how when a cool, local band breaks big, you lose a little of the connection you used to have with them? That’s how I feel about this movie… so I’m giving it one star in the hopes that no more people will see it, and I can love it more. That is the only reason I would ever give it one star.
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Superbad
4.0 Stars
Judd Apatow’s brilliance in comedy seems to come from his ability capture the authenticity and awkwardness of youth which he perfected with Freaks and Geeks. That level is sometimes reached here, but over-the-top characters (like the cops) and situations (like everything the cops do) douse any sense of realism. It also makes me mad most of today’s kids who think this is the “funniest movie ever” are laughing AT the protagonists instead of relating to them… not that I do either… I was so much cooler than these nerds… whatever.
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.Captivity
Captivity
1.0 Stars
Almost impossibly bad. It even looks like it was recorded on a camcorder. It is an especially bad recommendation for males – if you are accidentally aroused (because of Elisha Cuthbert or just a warm bowl of popcorn on your lap) you will feel disgusted with yourself on the off chance you were subconsciously responding to the torture scenes, or worse, the terrible film making. Save yourself from the shame and stay away.
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Hostel: Part II
1.0 Stars
Do you know that 10-year-old kid in your neighborhood who fastens bottle rockets to stray cats and watches his coked-up mom through her bedroom keyhole while she copulates with a steady line of strangers? This is probably the movie he would make if he were given $30 million and allowed to drink 24 hours a day. Even if you have no soul and are looking for some graphically twisted and kinky torture porn, this is still a nonsensical, lame, rehash of the first one.
0 out of 17 people found this review helpful.
Deadly Friend
3.0 Stars
What can be said about this movie that has not already been said? Maybe that the abusive dad looks a little too much like Matt Frewer (Max Headroom) for comfort.
0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.
Fido
4.0 Stars
Most movies presenting the possibility of “thinking” or domesticated undead (Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, etc.) mostly fall flat. This one, however, is a success. It basically takes the premise of Lassie and replaces the dog with the titular monster. It’s a zombie flick with heart… a heart that is eventually torn apart and eaten!
0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Tipping the Velvet
4.0 Stars
I showed up for a young girl’s strange, homo-erotic journey in Victorian England. I stayed for the quirky look at love. Seriously.
0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Care Bears: Fitness Fun
4.0 Stars
Many adults would probably dismiss this “cutesy” workout in favor of non-animated fare like “Denise Austen’s Boot Camp” or “Karen Voight’s Yoga Power”. On the contrary, it turns out Good Luck Bear may be one of the best pilates instructors working today. Sounds silly, but even Champ Bear (good at sports) admits to feeling the burn halfway through his routine! If you are looking for a more traditional adventure in the Kingdom of Caring, I would recommend “Care Bears: Adventures in Care-a-lot” or “Care Bears: Forest of Feelings”.
5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.
Black Sheep
2.0 Stars
Attacking death-sheep turn out to be quite amusing, but the lack of invention and humor throughout prove to be this movie’s downfall. If you are looking for a refreshing absence of CGI in deference to old-school mutant gore, though, it’s definitely worth a look.
0 out of 6 people found this review helpful.
Black Book
3.0 Stars
A sweeping epic of love and betrayal during WWII inspired by the golden era of films… but also padded with gratuitous nudity, baths of human feces, bloody head shots, and an extra hour of unnecessary running time. Now you know why when I dream… I dream director Paul Verhoeven is my real father… and directing my life.
0 out of 12 people found this review helpful.
The Wind That Shakes the Barley
3.0 Stars
Based largely on the true story of early Irish resistance to the British occupation, this movie introduces the fantastical element of leprechaun-like creatures who teach the young freedom fighters the art of war and moonshining. The English army sends in battalions of orcs flying in huge zeppelins. The whole thing is shot in Gaelic with no subtitles, and I think the Cillian Murphy character’s main love interest is his sister. The film is kind of bizarre, to say the least, but recommended.
0 out of 22 people found this review helpful.
Old Joy
4.0 Stars
This beaucolic and meditative feature has all the things that turn most “people” away – themes of separation, friendship, and Oregon scenery, not to mention a serene performance by indie-god Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy. I would pound everyone of these “people’s” faces into the ground if I had the chance.
0 out of 11 people found this review helpful.
So I Married an Axe Murderer
5.0 Stars
I actually saw this in the theater and peed my pants. Don’t get me wrong, I usually pee myself in the theater because of a small bladder and an obsessive compulsion to not miss any part of a movie I’ve paid for. What I’m trying to say is, I thought it was very funny.
0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
Shooter
4.0 Stars
Easily one of the best action movies of the 1980’s. I have no idea why it took them over 17 years to finally release it.
0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.
Outland
2.0 Stars
Possibly the worst DVD transfer I’ve ever seen. It looks like it was dubbed from a second-generation VHS tape, and I assume most people already have at least that good a version of Outland in their movie collection already. As for the actual movie, most people agree that the eye-popping seen in Total Recall is the apex of “death by exposure to the Martian atmosphere” scenes, but this gives it a good run for its money with at least two people exploding inside their space suits.
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Zombie
3.0 Stars
Somewhat dated and featuring extremely uncharismatic leads, this movie has a couple things going for it… nudity and a zombie VS. shark encounter. Highly recommended.
0 out of 4 people found this review helpful.
Year of the Dog
4.0 Stars
Depressing. Funny. Life Affirming. Plus, the movie Babe plays a role in the plot. Though it may be a less than pivotal one… ONE EXTRA STAR!
0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Vacancy
3.0 Stars
Suprisingly OK given it got a good review from the Maxim dude (c’mon guy, raise the bar a bit… stop reviewing movies based on the trailer). While Luke and Kate give decent performances, they still seem to be miscast. I would have liked to seen a more interesting pair like Val Kilmer and Abigail Breslin or maybe even Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri.
0 out of 12 people found this review helpful.
Black Snake Moan
3.0 Stars
Surely the gritty blues soundtrack and Christina Ricci chained in her underwear would be worth 3 stars alone… unfortunately, the movie fails to build upon this wonderful premise and, therefore, fails to score higher on my amazing star-o-meter!
0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.