The Library Talks

These are some speeches I wrote for a friend was speaking at an opening for new library. They are meant to explain why we still need libraries in an age when we don’t need libraries.

The internet has everything  – that sounds great until you’ve been scarred for life because one your “friends” sent you a link for a quiche recipe that turned out to be a picture of something called a “lemon party”… I can tell by this person dry heaving in the front row someone knows what I’m talking about. Case closed. Thank you.


The internet has everything… except for free books! Okay, okay, it has, but you have to sign up for credit cards or trial memberships to travel websites just to get one free book. And what about librarians? Most of the so-called “librarians” on the internet are just girls in various states of undress but always wearing glasses. I’m guessing they don’t know much at all about the Dewey Decimal system… unless we’re talking about porn star Dewey Hardstone, and by “decimal” we’re meaning “love pumping”, and by system we’re meaning “technique”… but we’re getting off track here! Let’s hear it for free books!


The internet will never succeed because it relies on people’s own self-moderation – most people, if given the chance, would spend all day “surfing the world wide web” until they passed out with swollen eyes and involuntary twitches in their hand. On the other hand, who wants to spend all day in the library?! Not me, libraries suck! I mean… let’s hear it for libraries!


If the internet were a library, it would probably be a 50-story building at least the size 4 football fields. That sounds great (if you like libraries) but consider this – people you haven’t seen since high school would be around every corner waiting to be your new friend, half of those friends would be spending “special time with their penis” while flipping through magazines filled with pictures of Jessica Alba, and you would probably get distracted for hours by cat pictures when you just wanted to know the conversion formula for pounds to kilograms … hell, you might even wander into a lemon party! Let’s hear it for (small) libraries!