First subject – sports opinions at a blistering pace, what should the name of this column be?!
Rj: Buzzer Beaters!
NF: Sudden Death, no.. Faceoffs!
Wrong, the answer is Quick Shots! Next subject – Jason Kidd breaks his son’s collarbone while diving for a loose ball!
RJ: Was it a case of hustle gone awry, or did J.K. simply decide that T.J. had eaten enough french fries? If the latter true, as we all suspect, maybe Jason should reconsider his son’s dietary needs. After all, that kid seriously needs to plump up and even out that body to head ratio. Have there been any DNA tests to prove that Sam Cassell is not the father?
NF: No joke, that kid’s got a head like one those “genetic melons” they’re making to feed poor countries and people in bomb shelters. Kaboom!
Time! Next subject – Derek Fisher, when did he become the worst point guard in the NBA?!
RJ: I’d say he became the worst right after he was drafted. The only guard with less lateral mobility is standing in front of Buckingham Palace. He’s also more likey to get a hand in your face.
NF: Those guards have ice in their veins. They look you straight in the eye and then put a three-bomb right between ‘em. Kaboom!
RJ: What the hell?
Time! Next subject – who’s your NBA MVP?!
RJ: Garnett or Kobe? Nevermind that. I couldn’t help but notice that during the 4th quarter of Game 2 of the Lakers-Wolves series, Minnesota’s Ass-handing to the Lakers, that the L.A. announcers, I’m sorry, the TNT announcers kept pointing out that Minnesota can’t rely on 30+ points from Troy Hudson for every game, and they would need additional scoring if they expected to win this series. But, the Twolves didn’t win by two points or even ten it was something like 50. I don’t care if Hudson only scores 15, they win. Oh yeah, Garnett is MVP.
NF: And in game 3, did you notice how the L.A. referees, I’m sorry, NBA referees kept trying to hand the Lakers the game? Then they got nervous or something because it was so obvious and they decided to let the Wolves win. Troy Hudson is my MVP, too.
Time! Next subject – Robert Horry pushes a cameraman when walking off the court during halftime!
RJ: I know Charles Barkley is still not a role model after he said, “Good for you Robert Horry, the cameraman shouldn’t have been there (on the court).” I hope Barkley never runs for Governer of Alabama, or the governer of Georgia will get thrown through a plate glass window after bumping into Barkley while mingling at a State dinner. But enough about politics. Why shouldn’t the camera man be there? How does Barkley think Barkley made his millions? Not through concessions, that’s where he spends his millions. The money rolls thanks to the huge television contracts. With television contracts comes cameras and cameramen. The NBA fan base has grown not through established wide shots of game play from cameras mounted in the rafters, but through up-close action shots, player interviews where we learn of God’s rooting interests, and of course, the floor cam. I wonder, where are the cameramen on Barkley’s set allowed to stand? I fear for the fellow in charge of Barkley’s close-ups.
NF: Sometimes, I wish the programming guide on my DirecTV would update constantly, not just when new shows are on. I want to know what commercials are on instantaneously and what people are talking about at the exact moment. Like, instead of “TNT Halftime Show” I want “EJ and Kenny talk about Allen Iverson” and then “Charles Barkley and guest host Magic Johnson make a joke about golf” and then “Man Show Commercial”. Know what I’m saying?
RJ: I love Man Show commercials.
Time! Last subject – the Utah Jazz!
RJ: What a buzz-kill life must be for a Jazz fan. Does any one of them believe they actually have a chance for a title? It must be like being married to the same annoying little white guy and redneck truck-driver for 15 years (I think bigamy is legal in that state), but after the divorce next year, Stockton and Malone get to keep all the money!
NF: And what’s with having the top two assist men on the same team, Marc Jackson and John Stockton? That seems kind of gay for some reason.
RJ: Yeah, no kidding.