Letters From…

I sent the following to the makers of Mr. Clean cleaning products.

To Whom it May Concern:

My name is Dignan Clark and I am starting up a moving company in Newport called Mr. Zero Moving. If you’re wondering, it is taken from the movie “When Harry Met Sally…” during the scene where Harry tells Bruno Kirby that the mover who knew his wife was leaving him before he did was wearing a t-shirt that said “Don’t F*** With Mr. Zero.” Don’t worry, we are going to wear uniforms!

Anyway, I sort of used the Mr. Clean logo to make my own. I totally changed it, but my wife said I should run it by you guys first because she read that Spike Lee is suing TNN for trying use Spike TV. I told her I am not starting Mr. Clean Moving and I totally changed the logo. Still, she said I better do it. My logo is the second one. Yours is the first one.

See, I totally changed it.


Dignan Clark

Dear Mr. Clark,

The Mr. Clean logo and Mr. Clean man design are registered trademarks of The Procter and Gamble Company of Cincinnati, Ohio. You must submit all uses for the trademark to P&G in Cincinnati.

In its current form, it would seem that your logo is an infringement on
the existing trademark.

Mr. Clean Cleaning Tools are a licensed product of Butler Home Products LLC.

This came a little later.

Thanks for contacting us, Dignan.

I appreciate your interest in using our Mr. Clean logo, but I’ve checked with our Mr. Clean contacts and we’re unable to give you permission to use our trademark because of the legal issues involved. I wish you much success in your new business.

Mary Lynn
USA Mr. Clean Team

I sent the following to four departments of the New Yorker magazine, just to make sure I wasn’t passed over. Still no response, but they say it could take 6-8 weeks.

Dear New Yorker,

Submitted is my proposal for a New Yorker cover. I think it would work best for the month of December, although January would come off well, too.

As you can see, it is a picture of a child living in Arizona looking very sad because he tried to make a “snowman” out of a cactus, but it looks terrible because, obviously, it is a cactus. I toyed with the idea of the child crying because he pricked himself while trying to put the hat on, but I think blood would undermine the “charming” tone I was going for.

Of course, I am flexible. I have never done a New Yorker cover before, but I imagine there is a “workshop” stage. I am not even opposed to the commissioning of a local painter to redo the actual artwork. I have read that bands sometimes hire a “studio musician” to perform on albums when the real member is in rehab. I suppose the magazine industry does something similar.

I have also included a complete mock up of our own art with the New Yorker logo (below) and I do think it could work. Maybe you could play it off like when the “Family Circus” is drawn by Billy and all the drawings are very childlike. Those are some of the best Family Circuses.

I thank you for your time and am looking forward to working with you.

Dignan Clark

I found this site where some lady will paint you and Stevie Nicks for money. Just take a look HERE. Naturally, I wanted a piece of art to call my own.

Dear Johanna,

Finding your site was amazing. I have been a fan of Stevie ever since “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.” I was wondering if you could do a picture of Stevie with Denzel Washington and my dog, Barracuda (he’s a sweetheart, I named him after a Stevie song). Denzel is my favorite actor and it would be great if Denzel (with his Training Day costume on) had his hand on Stevie’s shoulder even if maybe she looked a little uncomfortable because they just met or something and Denzel had his other hand petting Barracuda. You could put a unicorn or a moon in the background just like some of your others. I’ve tried to do this myself, but it doesn’t look good enough to hang on the wall. Here’s a couple of pictures of my dog and Denzel to give you an idea.

I’d like something around 20 x 30 inches and in color.

Thank you,

Dignan Clark

Dear Dignan,

Thank you very much for your kind interest in my work and your fantasy portrait price list request in regards to a portrait of your dog Barracuda, Stevie Nicks and Denzel Washington. I would be delighted to create that for you!

Please have a look at the following page: http://www.johannas-art.com/pricelist2003.htm. Here you will find a variety of choices in technique, number of subjects and size to choose from, as well as a lot of general information on how I work.

Please know that my current waiting list is about 6 to 8 months long.

If you have questions or would like to further discuss the portrait that
you have in mind, please do not hesitate to contact me anytime.

Thank you again for your message and kind words, Dignan!

Best wishes,

I sent the following 2 e-mails to Dillard’s Department Store and Basha’s Grocery Store while watching Smokey and the Bandit II.

Hello. My name is Dignan. My son-in-law, Ricky, recently told me that Dom DeLuise has put out a cologne. I’ve been to your store at the mall near my house and nothing – and I couldn’t find it for no how on your web screen. Ricky told me the fragrance was called Opprobrium or Opprobius, something like that. I’d love to get it for myself for Father’s Day. Please help.


Dear Dignan,

Thank you for your email.
We apologize, we do not carry the Dom DeLuise fragrance.

Thank you for choosing Dillard’s Direct.

Dear Mr. Basha,

Hopefully, you can forward this to your bakery department. I was just wondering if you make novelty cakes? My dad is a big fan of comedy, especially Dom DeLuise and I’m sure he’d love a funny cake for Father’s Day. I’m not very creative, but I know you’ve got some people working in your bakery that are. Please let me know. I love your store and am a long-time customer. Dignan.

No Response.

I sent this to some apartment complexes near where I live.

I am moving to the area soon and wondering if the “Courtesy Patrol” feature you list for your apartments is anything like the “Neighborhood Patrol – A Courtesy to our Neighbors” program at the complex I am currently living.

If so, I would like to participate upon my arrival. I almost completed ROTC training once, took the test to become a police officer (failed barely), and have taken several self-defense classes since. I feel I would be an asset to any courtesy patrol squad. Do you give out guns? I am self-taught, but I can handle one.

Until I can find a job, I will have a lot of time to volunteer to patrolling your property. Please inform me of any vacancies (one bedroom) and any enrollment procedures for your “Courtesy Patrol” program.

Dignan Clark

Hello Dignan,

Our courtesy partrol means that we have a night patrol security guard. They are on duty from around 10pm to 6am, walking the property and making sure no one is trespassing and vandelizing anything or
stealing anything. They patrol the whole complex including the underground parking. They are there for any kind of noise complaints
or any disturbances and also to keep an eye on things when everyone else is asleep. Im not sure what kind of program you had at your complex. anyway we have one bedrooms coming available now and in the future. You didnt say when you were looking to move in so i will just tell you the general prices right now. The one bedrooms range
between $850-975 with a $450 secutiy deposit and the application fee
is $30. If you would like some more info, give me a call xxx-282-1191
or you can just email me back.

thanks tara

I sent the following e-mail to a local news station after accidentally watching the local news one day.

Dear General Manager,

I tried to find the e-mail of news anchor Jon Du Pre because he looks like a man who can get things done, but I couldn’t. Hopefully, you’re the same type of man or can forward this to someone with real power and the cahones to use it.

I was flipping through all the local news channels yesterday and it occurred to me that everyone must be trying to corner the market on “news for imbeciles”. This was most apparent by the coverage of Channel 15 regarding the story of a boy who was locked in the closet by his parents for a few days. A “reporter” stood in one of the janitor’s closets of his studio to “demonstrate” what the child went through. Then he turned off the light. “I can barely see,” he said from behind the door.

I am not an expert on market share, demographics, the Nielsen’s, or utter stupidity, but I would think that if everyone else is catering to the latter, one channel could take aim for “people with an ounce of intelligence” and make a killing in the ratings. Necessarily, this might involve retiring such features as “Pump Patrol!” but I have a feeling there are a fair share of viewers who couldn’t care less that they can save a penny on gas by driving to a station across town. It might be hard to lure them away from Simpsons reruns at first, but it can’t be impossible.


Dignan Clark

No Response.

I wanted to send this one to Richard Karn, the new host of Family Feud, but I couldn’t find his e-mail address for the life of me. If anyone has it, please send it to me. Instead, I sent it to the webmaster of this Home Improvement fan site, which is pretty funny in itself.

I’m sorry, but I could not find Richard’s e-mail address anywhere on the web. Could you please forward this to him? It is somewhat important.

Dear Richard Karn,

This e-mail should perhaps be directed to the producer of Family Feud, but after watching you for years on The Tim Allen Show, I think you are a man who knows how to get things done.

Family Feud is great and all, but there is one huge flaw in the game play. Whoever wins the triple-point round, because the points are tripled, invariably wins the game! This makes the first few rounds almost meaningless! Sometimes, this opens the door for a family who has done nothing in the first part of the game to get lucky in the final round and move on to the fast money round VERY undeservedly!

At times, I have found myself not even tuning in until halfway through the show because of this. I am not an expert on game show rules or the Nielsen’s, but it seems you would improve in the latter if you changed the former.

Also, maybe you should stop hugging people so much. It makes you look kind of… well, you know.

Dignan Clark

Due to time constraints and the volume of mail received on this
account, I can’t personally respond to all messages sent.

This website is “frozen in time”, it remains very much as it was when Home Improvement aired its final episode, very little has changed or
will be changed save for a little pruning from time to time.

If your mail was intended to reach one of the cast or producers of the
show, you’ve written to the wrong address… I’m not them 🙂

The letter then included a long list of frequently asked questions. The funniest part is “volume of mail”.