Ethical Mailbag

This past weekend I was watching an Arena Football game – the Grand Rapids Rampage versus the San Jose SaberCats – with a buddy of mine. I’ll call him Stuart, but his real name is Kenneth Applebee (don’t say that, of course!). Stuart, or Stu as I like to call him, have been buddies a long time, we’ve been through it all: “Friends in Low Places” karaoke nights, and a buttload of Whataburgers together. I’ve known him going on three years come this September. Well, Professor, at half time of the game this past Saturday, Stu gets up from his seat on the couch, comes over to my La-Z-Boy and starts giving me a lap dance. I tried to protest, but he just took his index finger and placed over my lips as if he was telling me to hush. Stu and I have been to a few strip clubs together and obviously that’s where he picked up some of the moves he was doing on me. I let him do his dance, but I was not real happy about. Just in time for the second half kickoff, Stu jumps off me back onto the couch, never saying a word. We did our karaoke on Tuesday and we’ve had a diner a few times, but have not spoken about the lap dance at all. Was Stuart’s halftime grind on me ethical? Help me I can’t sleep! – CAN’T SLEEP IN SEATTLE

I begin my response in a state of aggravation.  If I am to be able to answer your ethical queries I need from you more details. For instance, Stuart’s body was not described. Is he big-bodied or is his body more of a slim/petite? Also, did he smell of Aqua Velva or a man’s natural musk? Details, people, details! To be honest I cannot picture Stuart at all and that is a shame. Alas, I will try my best with what I have been given.

The ethics in this matter are grounded in your behavior while he danced. With what amount of currency did you tip, and where were the bills placed? When a given a lap dance by a man it is most ethical to place the bills along the waist line of his pants, while brushing his undergarments with your fingers is optional. At no time should change be dropped into his trousers. After the pants come off, however, anything goes. The rule of thumb is to gauge for yourself the chemistry you have with your dancer. Certainly, you can at that point hand him more money, but as he grinds I would recommend using the money to gently caress his lower back/buttocks area. As stated, though, when your male stripper has reduced himself to only the natural curves of his flesh, anything goes.

Know this: in a darkened club use one dollar bills, but when hiring an out-call start with fives and then make your way up twenties.

Readers, forgive me for my inept response to this man’s ethical dilemma, but please know for future reference that details of a man when giving a personal dance is vital for any reply.


We were watching 101 Dalmations last night in my dorm room. Funny… as… shit! Anyway, we were going to get one and let it live in the bathroom that we share with Mike and Carl, but some guy at the pet store said they play rough, shed lots of hair, and can chew through a baseball bat, but I think it would make a great 5th floor mascot if we called him “Eight Ball”. Then, our RA said, “No way!” That guy is such a dick. Should we get a dog, anyway? – FUTURE PET OWNER?

Ahhh, you remind me of the dog named “Roach” in college I shared with my roomate. What we have here is a conflict between short-term and long-term interests. In the short-term, it would be easiest to repsect the rules and suggestions of the pet store owner and your resident advisor and not risk being expelled. But in the long-term, the relationship you build with your pet will benefit you for a life time.

To find a resolution, first let us look at an ends-based perspective- you would take the action that would provide the greatest good to the greatest number of people. So, you should get the dog, because he would be great at parties. But from a rule-based perspective, you would try to make the decision you would want other students to make in similar situations. So, you should also get the dog, because it is only natural for young collegiates to rebel against authority figures like pet store owners. Finally, drawing upon a care-based perspective, you would try to get into “the other’s” shoes before making your decision. From the dog’s perspective, he will likely lead a terrible life spending most of his time in a shower. His feces will be scooped up rarely. He will be paraded in front of co-eds only as a means for it’s owner to procure dates.

Two out of three wins. The ethical solution is to buy the dog.