Sometime after graduation but before you attempt to set foot in the workforce, before even typing a resume, you must first ask yourself the most important question: “Do I really need a job?”. If you said yes, you are like most people. If you are like me, then you said, “Probably… I guess… but it would it be a lot more fun to only apply for employment opportunities I will never get… jobs I would be ashamed to have if I ever did.” It was in this spirit that I tried my hardest (i.e., completely made up a resume and several cover letters) to land several “dream” jobs, one of which was reviewing pornographic tapes for the largest chain of adult video shops in my state, the Castle Boutique Megastore. It was a futile effort. Today, I work for a school (that is, at least until a perceptive student discovers this web site and tells his mom). What follows are a series of faxes sent to the Castle Boutique. Note: These are for mature audiences only.
DATE: March 3, 1999
Attached is my resume for the position of video reviewer with the Castle Superstore Corporation. Thank you for your consideration.
While I may not have a degree in Human Sexuality, as your newspaper ad suggested any potential employee might, I do have a degree in Media Arts. This is a liberal course of study that provided an opportunity to learn about a wide array of things, including psychology and sexuality. The requirements of the major required that I take at least one class in gay Asian pornography. I took several.
Working as a manager in a video store, I had the opportunity to watch more movies than I ever wanted, and because they were free, I felt a certain responsibility to do so. I took to writing scathing reviews for many of them as a hobby (samples available upon request). Unfortunately, few of these reviews included phrases like “knob slobber” or “snatch daddy”. As I grew more and more disgusted with mainstream, formulaic Hollywood cinema, I began to watch more low-budget gangbangs. The Godfather disappeared from the list of my top five favorite movies and was replaced by Buttman in Europe.
I understand that many people may not want to know how good a porno film may actually be, just how many anal reamings there are in the first thirty minutes. Luckily, I am also skilled in the art of counting and categorization. If I were called upon to subjectively grade movies, I already have a rating system in place- wet towels. An average movie would get three, as in that is how many wet towels an erection this movie produced could hold up. The best rating is five wet towels, the worst is a hand cloth.
I appreciate your time and look forward to an interview.
DATE: March 19, 1999
Attached is my resume for the position of video reviewer with the Castle Superstore Corporation. I am submitting it for the second time, as it appears you are a new human resource manager.
While your ad suggested that any applicant should have a degree in human sexuality, I cannot imagine that anyone with such a degree was hoping to watch pornographic movies in the basement of an office building as they worked towards graduation. I would like to respectfully suggest that a degree in media arts might be sufficient. And of course, I do not know for a fact that a basement is where you put your video reviewers, but I would not mind it. In fact, I would prefer it.
Because of my course of study in college, more than one motion picture has been subjected to my critical eye. Few escaped with anything less than a complete and critical dissection of their content. I understand the technical aspects of film, from lighting to blocking, and the creative side as well- the writing, the direction, the acting! The only difference between those movies and the ones I hope to review for your company would be standards. Where as most Hollywood films require only one climax to be successful, the kind you carry would need at least seven.
I worked for over a year as a manager in a video store. As such, I have developed a healthy amount of knowledge concerning the industry’s practices and procedures in its distribution outlets. I am also street smart, so I know that it would be suicide for any retail store to publish bad opinions of its own product. I am perfectly willing to end every one of my reviews with a favorable catch phrase, something along the lines of, “…but I did ruin my pants!”
I also have a unique rating system in place I can use. It is not a clever perversion of the “thumbs” system either, wherein a particularly bad feature would get “two thumbs up the ass.” Rather, it is based on wet towels (and neither is it an extreme extension of the wet Kleenex rating scale). It is much more intriguing and I think worth discussing in an interview.
Thank you for your consideration.
DATE: March 21, 1999
Since my last submission, I noticed your ad for video reviewer in the classifieds has changed. The sentence “Requires a Degree in Human Sexuality” has been moved to the top, bolded, capitalized, and then repeated at the bottom. I assume this is because you received a fair share of resumes from drop outs who are unqualified and consider reviewing porno films the pinnacle of success. I am nothing like those people, as I have never dropped out.
In fact, I now have a degree in Human Sexuality, which I recently acquired from www.BogusDegrees.com. It may sound a bit dubious, but they assured me they are an accredited institution.
I also have a degree in media arts, which I previously mentioned. I failed to point out my minor in philosophy. You may wonder how this particular discipline relates to the position I’m applying for. Unfortunately, your industry has often been criticized as “demeaning to women”, “immoral”, and “one step away from legalized prostitution”. It takes a trained mind to judiciously dismiss these arguments for what they are- lunatic ravings. I have no ethical issues with this business, and if I ever develop one, I would be quick to convince myself I am not actually working in the business, but around it- a journalistic watchdog endowed with the responsibility to determine the “Wow!” factor of any “facial” put before me.
At this point, I would also like to point out what a strong stomach I have. I imagine this is a requirement in an age where the boundaries of what can be shown in a triple-X video are being pushed. If you have a large staff of reviewers working in different departments, I would certainly prefer a position where I would be exposed to as few “scope and rope” videos as possible. I am not even sure if “scope and rope” is an actual term. I made it up. But if it is, I sure as hell do not want to know what it means.
I am looking forward to our eventual interview.
DATE: March 27, 1999
Since my last fax, I have been to a job fair, noticed a booth for your company, and filled out an application for the position of video reviewer. I did not mention my
previous attempts to get this job, as I can see only a two scenarios regarding them. One, my cover letters are making the rounds in the corporate office, impressing everyone, and it is taking time to schedule a welcome party appropriate to my hiring. Two, and the more likely scenario I think, is that everything I submitted has been saved only to serve as examples in the human resource department as words and phrases that would prevent Bill Gates from being hired to run your tech department.
Still, I think I made a favorable impression at the fair, as I wasn’t giggling when I approached your counter, and you saw fit to give me a personality test based on my resume. It is this test which I am writing to you about, a test which I believe is the new reason why you aren’t calling me.
While most would consider these tests simple, straightforward quizzes, I consider them grueling wit matches. Take this yes or no statement, for example, “I have planned out how to steal things, but have never actually done it.” I assume the perfect applicant would say “no” to this question, but the natural inference to this answer could either be that such a person doesn’t sit around scheming robberies, or it could be this person has thought about stealing something and carried through with his plans. Personally, I have thought about how to steal merchandise in the past, but only to be one step ahead of the tricky little high school freshman who worked under me. All of my other thieving fantasies have involved things like Picassos or entire buildings, tasks more suitable to my intellect.
What’s more, there are six more questions almost identical to the one above throughout the test, probably to gauge the consistency of one’s answers. Yet, there are subtle semantic differences in each one, obviously unintended, but completely changing the meaning of each. The ultimate point is this- your cheap paper exams cannot begin to measure the depth of my ability to capture the essence of Back Door Bunnies 15 in one paragraph.
I look forward to an interview.