Sick Day Movie Reviews

Into the Blue – The best I can say about this movie is that it had the most gratuitous ass-shots I’d ever seen in something rated PG-13. I have to say I was both surprised and delighted by Jessica Alba’s and Paul Walker’s rear ends in what was an otherwise dull affair. The only other good part was when the gratuity proliferated to crotch shots at the end as Jessica punched and squeezed the testicles of an evil pirate lackey before tossing him in the water. Apparently, a shark smelled the blood and nuts because the pirate was soon eaten.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose – A mostly successful amalgamation of the courtroom drama and satanic horror flick. It was not the first, though, because I had a great idea for one years ago. I wasn’t sure what the plot was about even then but the trailer went something like this: An unscored, uncut scene of Michael Moriarity (reprising his role as the baddest Executive ADA in New York, Ben Stone) grilling some normal, white collar, Republicano looking dude about a horrible crime for about half-a-minute. Then he finishes a question with, “… and isn’t that true… demon?!” There is an awkward pause before the defense attorney screams, “Objection!”. Then Stone reaches under the table because he rigged a gun under there just like Gary Busey did in The Firm except this time it’s a shotgun and he pulls it out and yells, “Overruled!” The defendant hisses and shows his Vampire teeth for about a second before his head completely explodes and we see Stone standing there with a smoking barrel. The screen slowly fades to black and shows the title while we hear the judge timidly say, “I… think it’s my job to rule on objections?” That adds a moment of levity but then everything is serious again when the last shot is of Moriarty and every other great fired Law & Order cast member (Chris Noth, Richard Brooks, Jill Hennessy, Dann Floreck, etc.) standing in a sewer with flashlights and crossbows as Stone says, “Ok, let’s do this.” Granted, this would have to be an internet-only trailer because of its coolness/goriness, but I think it would build good buzz.

Murderball – This is supposed to be an inspirational film but if you are anything like me you will feel like a bad human being after watching it. It made me kind of mad that every murderballer (paraplegic rugby player) had extremely hot girlfriends. Even the Captain Dan character had one. Then I felt even worse after giggling when it showed footage from an old 80’s video about quads having sex.

No One Knows – This is a foreign movie about four young siblings who survive alone in Tokyo in a small apartment because their mom left them. This was an especially touching story for me because I think the same thing is happening in an apartment near mine inhabited by nine or ten small Mexican children. I’m led to believe this because they are always playing in the parking lot and I once glimpsed inside their doorway – the place was a pig sty and smelled like dog food even though I’ve never seen a pet in there. I’ve also seen four of the little munchkins carrying a laundry basket down to the laundry room, each one struggling to hold up his or her side of the basket. This was actually kind of cute and made me wonder if I should begin to raise them as my own. In my mind I saw a montage of us painting the walls, building some neat bunk beds in the living room, and learning to cook Ramen noodles. We would walk through Target with each of them holding onto a rope tied to my waist while we shopped for clothes. Every now and then, the one named Santiago would come to my apartment and sleep on the couch because of nightmares about the terrible things that could’ve happened to his missing mom. The movie would be called Only Nathan Knows.

Flightplan – It is annoying to me when otherwise reputable critics will sacrifice their opinion in order to include some shrewd play on words in their reviews. I can only imagine this is what happened when Roger Ebert called Flightplan “airtight”. Other recent examples might be “It doesn’t suck!” for Underworld: Evolution or “Set sail for the greatest movie of the year!” for The Island or even “That was really good!” for Crash. Needless to say, there were quite a few holes in Flightplan’s plot. Plus, it spent most of its time casting Sean Bean and Peter Sarsgaard in various amounts of shadowy suspicion in order to keep us guessing who the real villain was. I know Jodie Foster is an Oscar winner, but instead of her name above the title on the DVD, I would have liked to seen “Sarsgaard Versus Bean!” That’s something that I’ve never seen before, which is more than I can say for the movie.


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