On
the Origin of Robin Williams’ Body Hair
July 21st, 1952: Robin
McLaurim Williams born in Chicago, IL. At birth, pubic hair
fully intact, which must be trimmed down to discover sex of
child. With this difficulty, child is named Robin.
April 6th, 1954: Robin’s mother shaves her
son’s legs for first time. This soon-to-be regular
occurrence is done to avoid embarrassment at his day care.
1955: The perineum fiasco.
July 18th, 1955: Supplication. As his third birthday
nears, Robin’s father writes a letter to the makers
of Nair, asking for aid. No reply was ever received.
July 21st, 1955: The stand. After his morning bath,
his mother eliminates both his upper and lower back patches.
1957: Begins shaving on his own. Shaves daily
his beard and neck hair which have by this time combined
into one wrap around neck-beard.
1958-1960: His “white-flag” years.
Robin refuses to shave any part of his body for this two-year
span. Earns the nickname “Sasquatch McGill”
from a school mate.
October 17th, 1967: Salvation. Rado and Ragni’s
“Hair” first performed at the New York Shakespeare
Festival Public Theater in New York City. Robin turns
to theater as a way to channel the energy of his body hair.
The world is grateful.
|
-
Steve Smith 
Open Letter
to a Friend Who is No Longer a Friend
I admit, it is partially my fault. I never should
have loaned you the CD’s in the first place. Looking back,
your thinly veiled contempt for my musical “foibles”
was obvious. More than once, you called me “anal”
for alphabetizing my collection in several racks, a “no-life
freak” was the phrase I specifically recall you using once.
I have over 600. You would have me search through every CD when
I want to find something? I guess the notion of wanting to hear
something particular is foreign to you, anyway, as your idea of
listening to music consists of grabbing whatever CD lying on the
floor (not in its jewel box, of course) is the shortest distance
between your bed and the stereo, usually Peter Gabriel’s
Greatest Hits or Candlebox.
Many times you would wander into my room, oblivious to the fact
I was trying to take a nap, and looked at my CD’s for ten
seconds before yelling, “I’ve never heard of any of
these bands!” then yelling, “Oh wait, Pearl Jam!”
When you asked to borrow some last Tuesday, I conveniently forgot
you never make copies of your CDs for the car. Maybe I felt sorry
for you because I don’t think you’ve bought a new
CD in 3 years. I thought, perhaps, you’d find some true
enjoyment in the Avalanches, Pavement, Yo La Tengo, Ted Leo, or
the Mountain Goats.
Of course, we both know what happened. The ones you didn’t
lose, you callously threw on the gravel landscaping of our crappy
apartment complex and hit with a hammer. At least, that’s
what it looks like happened. I know we’ve been friends for
almost nine years, but this is too much. If you replace my CD’s
we might be able to return to amicable speaking terms. Until then,
it’s been fun. Synchronicity, by the Police, has
somehow managed to survive over ten years with you, but not me.
-
Nathan Fuller
 |
A Matter
of Plethics
Old Professor Elliot believes the study of philosophy
has to be "updated to reflect the modernity of our youth,
much like leather". To this end, he "has a box,
like a restaurant suggestion box, in which I allow my students
to ask any questions they like,without fear of embarrassment".
He sends us some with his answers attached. |
| "This
past weekend I was watching an Arena Football game –
the Grand Rapids Rampage versus the San Jose SaberCats –
with a buddy of mine. I’ll call him Stuart, but his
real name is Kenneth Applebee (don’t say that, of course!).
Stuart, or Stu as I like to call him, have been buddies a
long time, we’ve been through it all: “Friends
in Low Places” karaoke nights, and a buttload of Whataburgers
together. I’ve known him going on three years come this
September. Well, Professor, at half time of the game this
past Saturday, Stu gets up from his seat on the couch, comes
over to my La-Z-Boy and starts giving me a lap dance. I tried
to protest, but he just took his index finger and placed over
my lips as if he was telling me to hush. Stu and I have been
to a few strip clubs together and obviously that’s where
he picked up some of the moves he was doing on me. I let him
do his dance, but I was not real happy about. Just in time
for the second half kickoff, Stu jumps off me back onto the
couch, never saying a word. We did our karaoke on Tuesday
and we’ve had a diner a few times, but have not spoken
about the lap dance at all. Was Stuart’s halftime grind
on me ethical? Help me I can’t sleep!" |
I begin my
response in a state of aggravation. Students, if I am to be able
to answer your ethical queries I need from you more details. For
instance, Stuart’s body was not described. Is he big-bodied
or is his body more of a slim/petite? Also, did he smell of Aqua
Velva or a man’s natural musk? Details, people, details!
To be honest I cannot picture Stuart at all and that is a shame.
Alas, I will try my best with what I have been given.
The ethics in this matter are grounded in your behavior while
he danced. With what amount of currency did you tip, and where
were the bills placed? When a given a lap dance by a man it is
most ethical to place the bills along the waist line of his pants,
while brushing his undergarments with your fingers is optional.
At no time should change be dropped into his trousers. After the
pants come off, however, anything goes. The rule of thumb is to
gauge for yourself the chemistry you have with your dancer. Certainly,
you can at that point hand him more money, but as he grinds I
would recommend using the money to gently caress his lower back/buttocks
area. As stated, though, when your male stripper has reduced himself
to only the natural curves of his flesh, anything goes.
Know this: in a darkened club use one dollar bills, but when hiring
an out-call start with fives and then make your way up twenties.
Readers, forgive me for my inept response to this man’s
ethical dilemma, but please know for future reference that details
of a man when giving a personal dance is vital for any reply.
| "We
were watching 101 Dalmations last night in my dorm
room. Funny... as... shit! Anyway, we were going to get one
and let it live in the bathroom that we share with Mike and
Carl, but some guy at the pet store said they play rough,
shed lots of hair, and can chew through a baseball bat, but
I think it would make a great 5th floor mascot if we called
him "Eight Ball". Then, our RA said, "No way!"
That guy is such a dick. Should we get a dog, anyway?" |
Ahhh, you
remind me of the dog named "Roach" in college I shared
with my roomate. What we have here is a conflict between short-term
and long-term interests. In the short-term, it would be easiest
to repsect the rules and suggestions of the pet store owner and
your resident advisor and not risk being expelled. But in the
long-term, the relationship you build with your pet will benefit
you for a life time.
To find a resolution, first let us look at an ends-based perspective-
you would take the action that would provide the greatest good
to the greatest number of people. So, you should get the dog,
because he would be great at parties. But from a rule-based perspective,
you would try to make the decision you would want other students
to make in similar situations.
So, you should also get the dog, because it is only natural for
young collegiates to rebel against authority figures like pet
store owners. Finally, drawing upon a care-based perspective,
you would try to get into "the other's" shoes before
making your decision. From the dog's perspective, he will likely
lead a terrible life spending most of his time in a shower. His
feces will be scooped up rarely. He will be paraded in front of
co-eds only as a means for it's owner to procure dates.
Two out of three wins. The ethical solution is to buy the dog.
-reported
by Steve Smith
& Nathan Fuller
|
