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Celebrities Shut Up!
It’s a good thing we have responsible
people organizing movie reunions. Without them, the tide
of celebrities who won’t shut up might be even greater.
So, thank you to the noble Dale Petroskey for canceling
the Bull Durham reunion at the Baseball Hall of
Fame two weeks ago. Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon were
endangering U.S. troops with anti-war statements and they
wouldn’t shut up. They said, of course, they weren’t
against the troops and the whole premise was ridiculous.
Dale responded by apologizing… for not telling them
on the phone, personally, to shut up. Slam. Dale was right.
What the Sarandons and many other famous people fail to
recognize is that armies of terrorist states are just like
good football teams. They tape inspirational quotes all
over their locker rooms. They pin-up pictures of traitor-activist
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt – even the military aggressors
hate Bush, they think!
Why do celebrities think we want to hear what they have
to say, anyway? Besides Extra, Access Hollywood, Entertainment
Tonight, MTV Entertainment Tonight, Starz! Sneak Peaks,
E! News Daily, Biography, Larry King Live, Showbiz Tonight,
Good Morning America, Celebrity Profile, Entertainment Weekly,
People, US, Premiere, Vanity Fair, Interview, Rolling Stone,
and maybe a few others, I don’t know where they would
get that idea. It is hard to believe we want to hear what
they have to say during peace times, much less war times,
when it is much more important to be quiet. It is important
to be quiet because of the “endangering troops”
thing.
It is even worse when celebrities speak up over seas. I’m
looking at you short Dixie Chick. Why weren’t you
at school, Natalie, on manners day? “Don’t say
things in a foreign country” comes right in between
“chew with your mouth closed” and that salad
fork thing. Speaking your mind on stage, especially in England,
is even worse, where I imagine they take particular offense
to the mixing of music and politics. The Sex Pistols were
deported to America for a reason. The whole thing might
be illegal, too. Your rights to free speech, which are already
too open-ended, stop at the borders. In England, I’m
pretty sure they don’t even have free speech.
To top it all off, it now appears as if the celebrity anti-war
movement was not even a byproduct of liberal, Cali-fostered
stupidity, but a just a cynical way to make more money.
The Dixie Chicks album is selling more than ever, probably
being downloaded more than that. Michael Moore’s movie
is the highest ranking pre-ordered DVD on Amazon.com. That’s
just the TWO examples I can think of, but I’m sure
there are thousands. Paul Farhi of the Washington Post
points out that there is no real backlash because “baby
boomers grew up with dissent” and young people “aren’t
paying attention” or aren’t easily offended.
It definitely isn’t because people agree with them!
Maybe it’s that nobody understands them. A “fictional
war” in “fictitious times”? What does
that even mean, Moore?!
So, to all the Garofalos who expect to drop a dime and
get rich on the death of innocent American soldiers, the
joke (and it’s a funny one) will be on you. Unless
you know how to make cluster bombs, put out fires, organize
new “democracies”, export oil, or rebuild cities,
then you ain’t getting squat!
-Nathan
Fuller 
Finding
the Perfect Burrito
What is a burrito, anyway? A burrito must
have:
*A flour shell,
lightly toasted as to have some crispiness, but it still
must be pliable and slightly chewy.
*Steak, grilled and
marinated or chicken that is shredded and seasoned...the
meat must be dry and not swimming in a pool of juice or
grease.
*Beans-refried...refried
black beans, even better...again, dry...more like spackle
and less like a slurry.
*Cheese - preferably
shredded white cheese.
*Sour Cream - Copious
amounts.
*Guacamole - fresh
avocado is best, but a mild guac’ (without the taste
of lime please) is ok.
*Lettuce - Shredded
very fine and crunchy.
*Tomato - slices
rather than a Pico de Gallo.
*Cilantro - just
enough to flavor...any more than necessary and the thing
tastes like a bar of dial soap.
*Sauce - not salsa
and not the crap from a hot sauce bottle...a sauce...consistency
of ketchup...maybe a nib thinner.
No onion, no rice, no wet meats, no wet beans, no salsa...nothing
that can disrupt the integrity of the tortilla by making
it soggy. Size should be just under the length of your forearm
with a diameter about the size of a Chunky Soup can. It
should be wrapped in wax paper and in foil as to be eaten
by peeling the paper and foil down bite by bite. Salt and
more sauce should be added as necessary.
Finding a legitimate, bargain burrito is, indeed, hard
but I have figured out how to make a good burrito at Baja
Fresh for under $6.
Order a Steak Baja Burrito. Tell them to hold
the Pico de Gallo but add lettuce and sour cream. This will
give you a steak burrito with cheese, guac’, sour
cream, and lettuce.
From their condiment bar, get a small dish of the tomato/cilantro
mix and a small dish of the Baja Rojo sauce.
Open the burrito and put in the tomato/cilantro and pour
in the hot sauce.
I understand that opening an already made burrito extends
beyond normal protocol and I concede that this should never
be done except under the most unusual of circumstances.
I do have to say that it's imperative to do it this way.
If they put in the Pico de Gallo, they will sog up the whole
tortilla. Tomatoes and cilantro are necessary for full flavor,
but the people at Baja Fresh use a spoon that doesn’t
have the holes in it for straining, so in effect, you get
the tomatoes and cilantro swimming in a thin liquid that
tastes like crap. If you add your own Pico de Gallo, you
can eliminate much of the disturbing juice from spoiling
the whole deal.
The hot sauce is necessary since the beef, while decent,
isn’t marinated in anything so the beef needs a bit
of kick. Beans can go either way...if you get beans, you
will be over the $6...also they use wet whole beans rather
than the preferred refried variety so be prepared for the
bean
juice to overwhelm the flavor of everything else. I say
no beans at Baja Fresh!
The total cost on this should be $5.80...I've been charged
for the lettuce once and made the person take the charge
off. Also, because the order taker and the guy making the
burrito are pretty far apart and don’t contact one
another, being picky at a place like this isn’t going
to get you a luggied-on burrito.
That said, this is the best I can do at that chain...I
have tried about 10 other options...Burrito Ultimo,
hold the rice and onions and peppers...that just gets too
cumbersome to order...and if they fuck up and put in the
peppers and onions and chilies, you will have a wrapped
up
fajita...not a burrito. Blech...fajitas are fine, just not
in burrito form! The Burrito Mexicano can’t
do it...you have to get the rice and beans removed before
adding the sour cream, guac’ and lettuce...takes the
price over $6, too.
So reiterating:
-Baja Burrito-Steak
-Hold the Pico de Gallo
-Add lettuce
-Add sour cream
-As they are making it, grab a cup of the Salsa Roja
and a cup of tomatoes
and cilantro.
-Unwrap the burrito and add the salsa and tomatoes to the
mix.
-Rewrap.
- Alex Millar
Multiple
Personality Disorder
I wrote this in college, an open letter
proposal for a clinical trial, for my professor who was
very dismissive despite the fact the issue was important
to me because I thought my roomate had a multiple personality
disorder at the time. Hopefully, someone with a degree in
experiments and the drive to help the world will see this
today:
Multiple personality is a mental disorder in which the subject
in effect displays more than one distinct personality, whom
they regard as separate individuals, each with their own
likes, dislikes, attitudes, names, etc. According to a book
I found in the library, multiple personality disorder falls
under the general category of dissociation. The
most recognizable symptom, would of course be, the having
of more than one personality. Also, the subject will have
a fragmented memory. That is, the subject will have a full
life's memory, however, since they live their lives as different
"people", each "person" will have their
own memories, depending on whether or not they were the
dominant personality at the time of the event(s) to be remembered.
Often, the separate personality(s) will be brought about
by abuse or a traumatic event that is so horrible that the
subject creates a separate personality to house those memories
he/she wishes not to remember. This creates the fragmented
memory.
An interesting question arises: Is there a genetic predisposition
to multiple personality disorder? Well, I have devised an
experiment to uncover the truth, long in doubt.
First, I take 50 MPW ( or multiple personality women) and
artificially inseminate them with the sperm of 50 MPM (or
multiple personality men). Then, I take those kids and abuse
them. At the same time I take the children of another 50
MPW and 50 MPM and raise them in a loving, caring, Christian
household. I would carry this out for about 20 years, then
see how many from each group had developed multiple personalities.
At the same time this was going on, I'd have two other groups.
Both groups would consist of the children of 50 MHP (or
mentally healthy people). I would beat the physical and
emotional tar out of the children of one group while loving
and nurturing the other. To be safe I would continue this
treatment on four other groups. Two groups of the children
of MPW and MHM, and two groups of the children of MHW and
MPM. Of course I would abuse one group from each while treating
the remaining two groups as respectable human beings. After
twenty years of this, I'm going to have some very ... um...
data. Unfortunately, this experiment has a few flaws. One,
I don't have the time, energy, or financial capability to
raise around 400 kids. Second, multiple personality disorder
is very rare, so it would be extremely difficult to locate
400 men and women with multiple personality disorder. Then
there's that whole moral and ethical question of whether
or not it's right or wrong for me to abduct 400 children
and repeatedly abuse half of them for their entire developmental
years. I figure some real scientist should read this, though,
and figure out a way to get around it. He can have all the
credit, I just want all the people with multiple personality
disorder to get better.
- Robert Jenks
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