Student
Fights 
The
sign in my classroom was intriguing.
Student Fights it read,
And in Europe, too,
For a fee
(and a heart full of desire I suppose).
Sign me up, I thought,
So I did.
Rage and Restraint,
COURAGE AND CONTROL,
KUNG FU,
AHHHHHH, THE MARTIAL ARTS!!!
After landing in Old Oxford,
I looked at my brochure
(you know, to find out where the budokan arena was).
Turns out,
I had simply purchased a student flight. |
-Nathan
Fuller 
 |
A
Treatise on Love, Sex, and Fucking
Treat
Williams, the acclaimed actor of such films as Human
Cargo (1999) and The Fraternity (2002), is also “a
real thinker.” He recently shared is insight for
LCN in an unsolicited letter. He can currently be seen
on the WB’s Everwood. |
I’ve
been with a lot of women. So, I know some things regarding
the making of love, the having of sex, and a good fuck.
There’s a difference. You see, I’m very discriminate.
Recently, I felt it time to have “the talk”
with my seven year old son, Freddy. This the conversation
I had with him, the ideas I presented to him:
Son,
to make love is the most obvious of the three. To make
love, the people involved must, indeed, be in love.
Allow me to drop an honesty bomb on you, Freddy: your
mother and I never made love. We never did because I
was never in love with her. I also doubt she makes love
with your new “dad”, William Katt. He’s
a great American fraud, Freddy, don’t believe
anything he says. The only time I ever made love in
my entire life was in 1987 when I had a threesome with
two of-age prostitutes named Gloria and Stacey. I loved
those girls. Oh fine, honestly… I also make love
every time I masturbate.
Sex, or the having of it, occurs when people who aren’t
in love copulate. They do it. I’ve never
had sex either, my son. How's that? Let me tell you
a story about a buddy of mine who called me last Sunday
morning and said, “Treat, remember that girl who
works at the galleria down near the Hollywood bowl?
I fucked her.”
I had to tell him, “No, you didn’t. I’ve
seen you in the shower.”
I told him that because fucking and the having of sex
are very similar except that fucking is done by people
with enormous sex organs like myself. Me and Tommy Lee,
we fuck. Not each other, but you know what I mean.
I told my buddy, “Not you my friend, not you.”
Listen, the easiest way to make the distinction between
sex and fucking is that having sex involves a penis
and fucking involves a cock. You get the picture, don’t
you Fred? |
At that
time, I gave my son his first box of condoms. He hugged
me and we had what is deemed in the biz as “a moment.”
 |
A
Matter of Plethics
Old Professor Elliot believes the study
of philosophy has to be "updated to reflect the
modernity of our youth, much like leather". To
this end, he "has a box, like a restaurant suggestion
box, in which I allow my students to ask any questions
they like, without fear of embarrassment". He sent
us some with his answers attached. |
| "I
wanted to ask you another Billy Ocean related ethical
question. In his song he tells his dream girl to get
out of his dreams and into his car. At the closing of
the song he goes so far as to tell her, "get in
the back seat, baby." Is this ethical?" |
First
off, I'm not familiar with today's music and so I do not
know who this man is. I do have a 14 year old daughter who
I'll consult later. Judging from his pseudonym, he must
be a Navy man which implies that he might have a short time
on his current shore leave. Give him a break if he then
wants to rush this relationship. Also, I find it quite polite
of him that he would desire to chauffeur this woman around.
Kudos, William.
| "I
was walking downtown when I spotted a banana peel right
in the middle of the street! No one else seemed to notice
it, and if someone did they walked right over it! I
was going to pick it, but I wanted to consult you first.
What would have been the ethical thing to do? Shouldn't
someone have picked it up? I mean someone could have
slipped! Would you spend an entire class on this, please?" |
You
were right to consult me about this. It was your responsibility
to pick up the banana peel since you spotted it first (please
refer to Plato's Republic). If this happens again
it is your duty, your social contract. However, before doing
this you must first look at the area around the banana peel.
Is there a giant rope encircling the fruit, placed there
to catch a runaway gorilla? If there is do not pick up the
peel! But if not, pick it up and then attempt to find its
owner.
| "I,
like many other American men, wear a fake moustache
when I go out on the weekend. I don't need to give you
a history lesson on high fashion. Of course, you know
that this trend started with Tom Selleck. (Ed. note:
Tom Selleck plays Billy T. Wingington on Friends).
Well, I met a girl while wearing this moustache, and
I think it could get serious. Should I tell her that
I'm a fake?" |
You
are not a fake, my friend. You are a trendsetter. Please
remember that the world needs people like you. For your
question I consulted first the index of Aristotle's
Ethics. I could not find any entry concerning fake
moustaches. Then I consulted the glossary of the treatise.
Again, no reference. From this, it must be surmised that
fake moustaches fall outside the realm of ethics and so
therefore, my good friend, you are in the clear. Marry this
girl. You sound like a match!
-reported
by Steve Smith |
