Soccer & The New World Order

Since all but two of you know me, let me start by saying, “I hate the Yankees”. Not dislike, but hate. However, we live in a capitalist society and if they can buy the best talent available every season then that's red, white, and blue through and through. So why haven't we adopted this philosophy with soccer?

As the sole superpower on the planet we still lack the respect of other nations, especially our European allies, because our "football" team is the Jon Kitna of international play. We have our good days but way more bad ones. Way more. Way, way more. One World Cup is worth 100,000 Tomahawk missiles in international respect… OK, fear and respect aren't the same
thing but who cares.

We can win almost every event in the Olympics but can't beat Turkey or Iran on the pitch?! We can't even outscore the guys from the country with the oil platform in the North Sea who declared independence from Great Britain. I think that was a 1-1 draw but in our defense it was raining. Where is the by-product of a generation of soccer moms? Oh, that's actually kind of gross. Instead of “by-product of”, let’s say “result of years of training by.” Or maybe even “videotape of when they were sweet, hot co-eds before they became”.

Now, if a team in Spain can buy David Beckham, England's captain and superstar, then why can't we, steal, err, lease Earth's Greatest Players (Dr. Evil laugh). Seriously (no Dr. Evil laugh). And unlike the Bronx Bombers they wouldn't have to come via Cuba on a monster truck inner tube. By the way, is saying "Bronx Bombers" politically incorrect now since you-know-when? Is my e-mail being tapped?

We have Las Vegas, corn dogs, Metallica, and Pam Anderson (don't give me any "she's Canadian" crap, because she hasn't stepped foot north of the border since "they" were real and if she was Canadian she'd be engaged to Carmen Electra for some reason, or I hope so anyway). Who wouldn't want to immigrate stateside, hire a pit bull of an agent, chill with 50 Cent at The Gold Club (we'd reopen it just for them), date Mariah Carey for a six days, play PS2 in a H2 with R2D2 ,etc? Every avenue to superficial happiness would be at your beckoning/Beckman-ing call. Side note: I'm a Baby Spice man.

But there is no interest in soccer in this country some argue.

Wrong. Kind of. There is no interest but it’s because we don't win. This is America: winning comes first, God next, family third, and guns a close fourth. There is no interest in the Padres and Tigers these days but there was in 1984 when George Orwell had Detroit in six. Once we have Joe Goldentoe from Wales or Nigeria and start trouncing the French and Brazilians you better check the suspension on the bandwagon… we’d have ourselves a lowrider!

Citizenship? Immigration laws aren't hard to get around. Any player that can pick strawberries in 104 degree heat for thirteen hours and answer all test questions "Ben Franklin" would surely qualify as a legal resident. Well, until they turned 33.

So who will flip the bill for all this you ask? The same guy who always does - Paul Allen. The Billy Buddy billionaire with a soft spot for mediocre sports franchises could have this up and running faster than you can say "Look at the ham on Hamm." Just keep the new guys away from Rasheed Wallace when he's on his period and no rides with Jeramy Stevens, not even to Circle
K (I’ll be staying away from Portland for awhile).

Without that World Cup we'll always be in the Roman Empire's shadow and I refuse to be the Buffalo Bills of world domination.

- Nick Sandin

A NASCAR-ticle

I am concerned for the American people. Why? Because NASCAR is the fastest growing sport in America. Why the concern? First off, stop asking so many questions. Be patient, I’ll tell you.

It’s not the popularity growth rate that troubles me, although it does a little, but I’ll get to that later. My concern arises from the fact that somehow NASCAR is categorized as a sport. I don’t own a dictionary, unless you count my English/Spanish dictionary, but I imagine the definition of los deportes (that’s Spanish) would include “athletic ability” in the description. If it doesn’t, I’ll be starting a petition to Webster. I’m just saying, where’s the athletic ability in driving a car? Unless you count the well-defined ab muscles it takes to lean into a turn, there’s not much.

I agree they are very skilled drivers, but possessing a skill doesn’t make you an athlete or your competition a sport. If that were the case, my fat neighbor kid, who has whomped more ass on- line at Counterstrike and Warcraft than anyone in the history of humanity, would be the point leader in the race for the Nintendo cup and Iron Chefing would be an Olympic event. Then again, how skilled are NASCAR drivers? Sure they drive at outrageous speeds in incredibly close confines, but for the most part, they’re all traveling at the same speed, in the same repetitive direction, for the same distance. Try driving down US 60 at 7 am in November. Everyone’s half asleep, everyone’s traveling at different speeds, merging and swerving to make their exit and no one’s giving you driving tips via headset. Rather, everybody's chatting via cell phone and probably not about driving. But I digress. Back to the rednecking of America, or the rise of NASCAR’s popularity, or whatever.

Back in my bartending days, the topic of conversation amongst quibbling drunks seemed less and less likely to be a friendly reminiscence of the ‘69 Mets but rather a two-and-a-half-hour debate containing all the intellectual insight of a “piss-on sticker” as to whether Dodge or Ford was the better engine, just so long as we could all agree that Chevy sucked. Of course, midway through that conversation, a 40-ish “lady” with less than the recommended number of teeth and a cigarette dangling from her lip would invariably enter and pose the query in the most Texan drawl you can imagine, “Who won the race today? Dale Earnhardt? He’s the man! Whooo!” Okay, she didn’t whoo, but did I mention she was wearing an Earnhardt shirt, tattered as though it were, perhaps, the frontrunner in her T-shirt rotation? If this is the average NASCAR fan, the fact that it’s spreading worries me, because that means the rednecks are spreading. If movies like Outbreak and Evolution have taught me anything, it’s that somewhere there are scientists gathered around a computer screen simulating the exponential growth and invariable global contamination of NASCAR fans. I just hope they can stop it before it’s too late. Then again, maybe I’m just a little upset and bitter because I drive a Chevy.

- Robert Jenks