Whaaassup with the D-backs?!
To quote one of the finer films of the baseball genre, “They’re shitty.”

The question remains as to why. Well, after carefully studying upwards of four and one half innings of play, I have devised the following theories.

One, both the Giants and the Dodgers have conspired to hire Kiefer Sutherland to perch in a luxury box and aim a high-powered sniper rifle with orders to shoot should any D’Backs pitcher who throws more than five strikeouts or any Arizona hitter that makes meaningful contact with the ball. My basis for this theory? I’m pretty sure I saw Forrest Whitaker squatting behind the home dugout sporting a yellow security shirt and a bushy mustache. I just saw Phone Booth.

Two, the loss of announcer Jim “Trebs” Traber has hit harder in the clubhouse and in the hearts of the players than the number crunching upper management types had counted on. I’m not completely certain if Trebs is no longer the color man (only four and a half innings, remember). And even if he is in fact not, I have no actual “facts” upon which to blame the “D’Brass” for his termination. I do, however, have an unhealthy disdain for corporate big wigs and their golden bats.

Trebs’ replacement (at least for those four innings), Joe Garagiola, has all the players with radios in the dugout so preoccupied with deciphering his Dr. Philonian analogies, they can’t concentrate on the game. I’m not even sure they are analogies. Really, what does the statement, “They just need to decide whether or not they are going to put out this fire or if they’re going to come back and bark like dogs” fall in to? That may not be an exact quote, but believe me, it makes more sense than the original. It just seems to me, that if you are going to give two options they should probably be two different options. Unless, one of those options is maybe just a more extreme version of the other. Now I can’t even concentrate on typing… imagine what these brain teasers are doing to the fragile psyche of a multi-millionaire athlete.

My third theory is golf. Golf, when watched on television, is boring. Golf, when listened to on the radio, is sleep inducing. Really, I was in the car for just ten minutes, but when I arrived at my destination, I was near REM. At the same time, I couldn’t change the station because the whispers from my speakers were so like the sweet sounds of spring time and butterflies... so soothing, so relaxing, so hypnotic. Forget about CD’s of ocean whales and rain showers, give me the gentle sounds of the Masters any day.

I’m guessing a lot of D’Backs players are golfers, and in their busy workout schedule they only manage to listen to the PGA tour events on the radio, lulling them into a state of passivity. Maybe the stingy “D’Brass” could spring for a big screen or two in the facilities!

Speaking of corporate types, I swear to God, if Soundscape Inc. steals my idea for a "Golfsounds CD", like those Heinz bastards did with my colored ketchup idea I had when I was eight, I’ll sue. You can’t bully the little people forever!

- Robert Jenks