Highway Signs
I like words. Baba ganush… ditty… hula…
these are my favorites this week. And while a jet pilot
in a flight suit may excite some women, what really turned
me on about my last boyfriend was the way he could recite
the entire aviation alphabet. Whiskey… India…
Tango… Yankee… these words just sound good in
a man’s mouth. Unfortunately, a man who knows the
aviation alphabet is also likely the type of man to go see
Pearl Harbor on opening day.
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Last weekend, I figured I needed my own alphabet, so I wrote
down a billboard alphabet between Highway 666 and Arizona.
I was driving solo, which is also a satisfying word, as are
highway… and summer… and June. Here’s a
Highway Alphabet:
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When I’m on the road, I don’t stop for gas, I
stop for “Good Coffee – At the Teepee –
Scenic View”. I don’t pull over at the rest stop
but the “Revival – Exit – Scenic View –-
Turquoise” stop. Driving the long stretches of empty
highway is much more exciting this way. It occurs to me that
there is at least one other way it could be exciting for everyone.
Road signs, as they stand, are colorless wooden posts flashing
by our car windows at their professional pace. Cattle Crossing.
Interstate 495. Dangerous Cross Winds. Road Construction.
I want to see “Cattle Stampede!” and “Famous
State Passageway Number 495!” and "Crazy Strong-Ass
Winds" and “This Road is a Changin’!”.
I think the best way to bring about a revolution is from
the bottom up. Use the highway alphabet. Teach it to your
friends. And I’m not recommending vandalism, but if
you see a boring road sign, wait until midnight and spray-paint
a better slogan right over the old one. Sure, I’ll
mail my ideas to the Federal Department of Highway and Transportation,
but I think we both know that when it comes to getting things
done, that department is “Scenic View – Lumbermen
– Oranges – Winslow” as “Scenic
View – Hay & Feed – Indian City –
Turquoise”.
- Sara Loewen 
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