SCIENCE ALERT!

Scientist bastards have screwed us again! Just when they cure SARS, they unleash upon us a newer, deadlier, sneak attack disease… the monkey pox! I’m aware of its deadly nature, because it was on the news. Actually, it was on a promo for the news. They told me to tune in a ten to find out more about “this mysterious threat to our nations’ children.” Although vague, I was able to surmise from this brief teaser that this new disease was deadlier than all other diseases combined, except for zombie-ism. Quite frankly, I was too squeamish to tune in and learn its gruesome details. Besides, Crank Yankers was on at ten. Those are some crazy-ass marionettes, but if they ever call me, I’ll find them and introduce them to my punching sock puppet, Ima B. Pissed!

Anyway, I’ve managed to gather all the pertinent information about the monkey pox. Here’s what I know: it’s carried by gophers. That’s all I know, but it’s enough to scare and worry me. You see, my favorite game in all the world is Whack-A-Mole (I also like Whack-A-Pole, if you know what I’m saying). Moles are the same as gophers, except I think they’re what southern people call them, like davenports are the same as couches which are the same as futons in China. Back to the Monkey Pox, I don’t know specifically how the virus is spread, but I imagine it’s either a blood borne or airborne pathogen.

All these years of Whack-A-Mole I’ve been whacking the shit out of those pesky little rodents completely unaware. I mean I’m sure all that head trauma has opened up a wound or two. They act tough, but I know I hurt ‘em. That’s how it is in any sport; you don’t show pain to your opponent. But as soon as I leave, they probably pop up out of their holes screaming and crying. I know I do once I hit the parking lot.

So, the next kid that pops in a quarter ready for some wholesome fun is caught totally off guard when that first mole rises up out of his hole and wheezes the monkey pox all over his face. Naively, that kid proceeds to whack the mole only to open that swollen right eye, just like in Rocky, and contaminated blood spews over the kid in slow motion. Jesus Christ, what if I caused the monkey pox epidemic?! I think I did and that’s why I didn’t watch the news. Not because I was squeamish, but because I was ashamed of what I had done, of what I had become.

- Kenneth Bialobrzeski