NOT A POLE COLLEGE, A REAL COLLEGE!

Unlike most of America, I did not see the lunar eclipse the other night. Not because I didn’t know about it, because I fucking did! I didn’t see it because, unlike most of uneducated America, I know that you can’t look at an eclipse without permanently damaging your retinas and corneas. So, I chose not to look at it directly. Instead, I fashioned a viewing tube from my milk carton periscope. And before any of you clowns make any jokes about my submarine having screen doors, well fuck you, I don’t have a submarine!

Scientifically speaking, lunar eclipses smell an awful lot like spoiled dairy. I can only surmise it has to do with the theory that the moon is made of cheese and that somehow the increased gravity and radiation caused by the ecliption enhances either the scent itself, or perhaps man’s ability to sniff. Personally, I never much believed the cheese theory, but you can’t argue with college science. That’s right… college. College made me smart and I’m smart enough to know we’ll never know for certain, at least not until we have the Star Trek-like ability to travel beyond our own galaxy… all the way to the moon.

- Kenneth Bialobrzeski