There are so many criticisms to be made about this movie; it’s quite hard to be precise. From the opening moments of the film, for instance, it was obvious I would have to keep a tally of shoddy dialogue if I wanted to remember how much there was. So, I began to count lame lines, but early on when Bond jumped from an out-of-control hovercraft onto a bell just before the vehicle shot off a cliff and he announced he was, “Saved by the bell!” my pencil shattered from the pressure of my clenched fist. What was worse, the wisecrack or the action that preceded it?

The writers, apparently full of energy from the lack of effort put into the film’s dialogue, did actually work a bit of foreshadowing and parallel structure into that “hovercraft scene”. The main villain was on that hovercraft and Bond thinks he is dead (he’s not). Later, Bond flies over a snow cliff and the villain thinks Bond is dead. But Bond, of course, hangs off the ocean-side of the mountain fashioning a parachute and surf board from pieces of a car. When the avalanche hits, he surfs his way out of danger before launching himself off a wave and floating onto safe ground. As far as avalanche-themed stunts go, this makes Vin Diesel’s snowboard race in xXx downright likely.

That bit of foreshadowing, if it was even intended, is the best thing to be said about the storyline. 007’s chief enemies in Die Another Die are the North Koreans. The producers probably thought this would be a prescient move to reflect America’s next political boogeyman. I guess they didn’t count on us crippling a Middle Eastern state with sanctions and bombings to the point of almost complete exposure before invading them on the nightly news. It is hard to believe they didn’t foresee this, as the path to box office success for this movie must have been similarly predicated on a weak, hampered field of films that the majority of the public didn’t really care about. How else could they expect us to sit through a scene of Halle Berry strapped to a table, about to be diced by a laser beam? This was much more suspenseful when Hank Scorpio did it on the fourth season of the Simpsons. This says nothing of when the arch-villain puts on something that looks like a Nintendo Power Glove to transmit lightning bolts through people.

The actors don’t fare any better. Halle Berry seems to be as untalented as many have suspected, delivering her lines with all the flat-footed grace of a syndicated starlet. A graying Brosnan, as mentioned, looks aged and uninterested.

If you see this in the video store, my recommendation is for you to pick it up unprompted and shout “Die another day? I think I’ll watch it some other day! ” and throw it down. The iota of amusement this may arouse within anybody who notices you will surely surpass the cumulative enjoyment of everyone who’s actually seen the movie.

On an inverse scale of the worst movies ever made, where Crocodile 2: Death Swamp rates a 1 (still kind of campy), and Patch Adams rates a 10 (worst ever), Die Another Day actually replaces Josie and the Pussycats, the numerical equivalent of a 9.1.

Buy the DVD
- Nathan Fuller

The Uncredible Hulk

Now I'm not going to let a small thing like not having seen the movie yet stop me from reviewing it. I've seen the trailers on the tube about a combined 113 minutes so I believe I have a grasp on how hard it sucks. It sucks hard. Like a brand new shop-vac plugged into 220 when the barometric pressure is around 29.96 and the sock you're wearing is on your foot.

It also pisses me off (and this goes for the comic book, too) when he says "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry." Hey, I don't like anyone when they are angry, especially these chicks I've dated recently. I swear they all have hurricanes named after them. Put my ex in the ring with a transformed Bruce Banner and the latter is leaving on a stretcher with a bottle of Midol lodged in his rectum (and the doctor says "Rectum? Lucky. She damn near killed him").

Speaking of mid-sections, how does Hulk 2003 fit in his pants now that he's Shaq times 10? When the gamma radiation kicks in gear we should see his Kermit colored rear. Not that I want to. I don't. Not really. Just for realism. So its believable. I doubt Dr. Banner is sporting XXL Spandex 24-7 and correct me if I'm wrong, but does the Hulk always have purple pants? If they wanted to make the monster the real deal his pants would shred off like everything else and, like all guys who work out too much, he'd have a really small package. Which begs the question, do guys with large penises drive only compact cars? My theories on “the trousers that always fit” and Hulk are as follows:

So don't go see Hulk and wait for on DVD. It will make you a better person and human being.

- Nick Sandin

Giant Sand: 3 New Albums

Giant Sand’s Official Bootleg Series and front man How Gelb’s Down Home series of releases swing open the gates to the junkyard in back- the doll heads, hub caps, and plastic chairs, all the things from the woodshop not smooth enough to sell; you know, where the gold is. These records are the dusty trunks with a little new magic happening inside. Though even Giant Sand’s proper albums, especially recently, have resembled a languid, Sunday musical cookout, their latest three make the informality official.

Infiltration of Dreams: Official Bootleg Series Vol. 4 - This is a live recording, until now, only available on an Italian imprint. It features two French-Indian ladies I first saw perform locally over a year ago. Both sat in the middle of stage, one occasionally playing the violin, both looking quite perplexed, singing only when they appeared to recognize a bit of song. I thought this was only because they were both new, but now it sounds unlikely. Their curiously offhand stage presence is still there, the entire concert’s mood equally and wonderfully loose-fitting. A great record for when you wish you had a bunch of friends who rehearsed great music in the garage beneath your apartment (If your friends are drones and it’s been years since you’ve had your own apartment, all the better).

Too Many Spare Parts in the Yard too Close at Hand: Official Bootleg Series Vol. 5. – As the title implies, this is an odds-n-ends collection, but the only thing that really differentiates it from a normal release are the old songs that bubble up with a new, gnarly clatter. That, and the lazy song names like “Goldfrapp Tribute” and “Tom Waits Tribute”. Still, the finished product may be their best in a few years, definitely more rousing than the last covers record.

Down Home 2002 – Howe Gelb has been playing his pianos a lot more, lately. Most of these songs, for instance, sound he like he’s just crawled out of a bed and sat down to pound out whatever’s left of last night’s dreams. Then, maybe, he goes into the kitchen to make some coffee and look for things that will double as instruments for some extra tracks. The lyrics, as usual, are a strange jumble of alliteration, half-meanings, and dry jokes. This post-modern garage-jazz can be trying at times, but still rewarding, especially the opening re-examination of one of Sand’s best tunes, “Spun”.