| The
End of the World as We Know It
a look back at the movie Armageddon
 |
In a series of promotional posters
for the film Armageddon, mug shots of our promised
heroes were underscored with a bit of information about each.
Bear, for instance- he was doing it for the thrill! Truman
was doing it for his country, Steve Buscemi was doing it for
the money, and Grace was doing it for love. A.J., well, he
was doing it for her. At least, that’s what I thought
until saw another A.J. poster asserting that he was in it
for the thrill, too. I was panicked by the unforeseen ambiguity
in these people’s motivation. Wasn’t Bear the
adrenaline junkie? Or did A.J. have more than one dimension?
Would the movie be as confusing as these posters? |
In some ways, like the direction, it was more so. Even by director
Michael Bay’s standards (Bad Boys, The Rock),
the action sequences were hyperactive, muddled spectacles drowned
out by an equally addling soundtrack of endless explosions. However,
the farfetched action of Armageddon was easily matched
in slack and tedium by the plot.
It revolved around a crew of roughneck oilers whom we first met
as the boss man Harry (who was doing it for the honor) chased
A.J. around the rig with a shotgun. Man, those were some crazy-ass
riggers! That’s about the some total of what was important
to know about them.
The story line was a familiar one for the modern day blockbuster
about things of a large size. Ominous opening scenes made us aware
of a threat. Then the military got involved by hiding information
from the public. Soon, specialists were brought in. This is where
the drillers came in to play, for they were the only ones who
can stop a “rouge comet” headed directly for Earth
by inserting a nuclear device into its core. A nuclear device?
Yes, there was a scene where someone has to guess between differently
colored wires to defuse the weapon.
As the film progressed, they faced an absurd parade of obstacles
to their goal, including a nasty case of “space dementia”.
The only real surprise was that a furry Meteor Beast was not piloting
the asteroid. The astro-drillers overcame these hurdles with methods
that were, even in terms of astro-drilling movies, unbelievable
but fun to count. I tallied thirty-four.
Armageddon failed to engage the viewer in any meaningful
way as the potential for emotional involvement was crested by
a brassy Ben Affleck stating with a grin that he “feels
pretty good for being more scared than he’s ever been”.
Meanwhile, Bay couldn't manage to keep the camera still unless
he was displaying a huge American flag in the background.
The irony of such a patriotic movie was that it could only inspire
hatred for a country where such a movie is made. For me, though,
it did inspire one question. Why wasn't there a poster for the
bleached-blond Oscar? I think he did it because he was a surfer
or something, but I’d like to know for sure.
 Buy
the DVD 
-Nathan
Fuller 
 |
How
the West Was Fun
starring
the Olsen Twins |
I think I liked that movie How the West was Fun. It
stars Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. I’m certain you think
that I'm joking and what follows will be a myriad of Olsen Twin
jokes - you know all the old-standards: “How many Olsen
twins does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. That’s
because either Danny Tanner, Joey Gladstone or Jesse Katsopolis
will always be there to lend them a helping hand". No, I’m
not going to include any of those types of jokes here. I admire
the ladies and importune them to keep doing what they’re
doing. In other words: You go girls!
I like the movie because of its title. If I were to say finish
this sentence, “How the west was ...” , invariably,
the answer back would be: Won. But, no. The script writer flips
that on us and just when you thought you knew where the title
is going the rug is pulled out from underneath and you find yourself
smack dab in the middle of a wild west adventure.
To be honest, I don't think I have ever seen the film. The title
just popped in my head as I was driving home from work, but still,
it has a solid message announcing to its audience that the west
isn’t just gun slingers and cattle branding any more. Best
of all, it is ... fun!
Buy
the VHS
- Steve Smith
The Dawson’s
Creek Series Finale
The WB’s replaying of the Dawson’s Creek
series finale gave those tuned in a keyhole view into a more simple
time and place - one that I no longer can relate to. Originally
airing back in May of 2003, the finale was first broadcast at
a time when the nation had just begun ease after the tensions
of war. But then, after the credits rolled for the last time,
the show was forgotten.
That is, until the WB opened the archive vault and pulled out
the dusty tape. Let’s get real for a sec: this turkey should
have been saved for a later date, like Thanksgiving!
It doesn’t hold up. The world today is much too jaded to
enjoy the sweet simplicities of a motorist/police officer, male/male
kiss. Remember: since the finale first aired we’ve had a
buttload of world changing events like ... like that thing that
happened near Guatemala.
Remember when Jen died? But more importantly remember how her
death affected our society as a whole? It doesn’t anymore
because, sadly we don’t live in that world anymore. Far
too much has happened in the last two weeks to ever go back to
such an innocent time.
Buy
the DVD
-Steve Smith
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