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The
Blood of Puppets
Puppets, muppets, and animatronics used to be the norm and
the best.
Jennifer Connelly proves it. Now they're gathering dust
before their rightful time.
The
Sausage Factory
A slew of tidbits and factoids about the meat that everyone
enjoys, but no one really talks about that much... sausage.
Finalmente,
La Bella Vita!
Life got you down? It might be better if you adopted the
lifestyle of a character in a certain type of movie. |
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New contributor Dignan Clark likes to waste people's time. He sends
e-mail
to people who probably think
they've got better things
to do with their day...
... Read this week's "Letters
from Dignan"... |
This
week's fiction selection is an adapted play. It chronicles the
winsome days of longing and splendor that distinguish the heated,
middle months
of youth...
...
In The Time Of
Summe... |
| IN
THE ZONE WITH SPORTS
TALK
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Soccer
& The New World Order
The shrinking list of American allies is not a result of
crazy, imprerialist foreign policies. Not totally. Other
countries respect fútball, and we ain't got it.
A
NASCAR-ticle
We don't have an "In The Zone With Skilled
Competition Talk" column... yet... so this will have
to go here. |
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Encountering
Beard
A conversation with one man who spends his days pedaling a
super-bike back and forth across the serrated landscape of
the Western states. |
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This
week's mailbag includes a tirade from a former classmate of the
Polish Corner's author, something creepy from our number one fan,
and a
flattering note about the
editor, so...
...
Read Them Here... |
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TREKKIES
LIBERATED
(BR)
With the fall of Saddam's regime in Iraq comes the
liberation of the Kurds,
freedom for thousands of political prisoners, and the end
of a 23-year ban on science fiction. This weekend will be
the first Star Trek Convention in the history of the country
at what is left of Baghdad's downtown Hilton. Muhammad Al
Muhammad, who refers to himself as Muhammad Al Norvak Four,
heads the fan club that has been underground since 1981.
"This is a great day for our members here in Iraq.
In Deep Space Nine, episode 35, the Romulans lost control
over the planet and the Federation moved it to secure it.
Mr. Bush is our Sisko prophet, second only to Allah."
The war torn middle-eastern nation has one of the highest
per capita fan to human ratios in the world with an astonishing
66% of the population now claiming to be Trekkies. Guest
speakers at the convention include John Billingsley ("Dr.
Phlox") who will also be passing out autographed bags
of wheat. Meanwhile, Muhammad is writing an Arabic to Klingon
dictionary and spearheading a petition drive to get a Muslim
character in the next series. "Live long or prosper,"
he says, "Because you're damn lucky if you can do both
here."
MAN
FINDS BANNED ARROW-HEAD IN BACKYARD
(BR)
A man living on a Navajo reservation in Arizona recently
found an arrowhead buried in his backyard, prompting the
White House to point out that arrowheads have been banned
since 1492 after deckhand George Walterson stepped off the
Santa Maria and was shot with a bow and arrow by a suspected
terrorist. Hans Blix accused the "U.S. government bastards"
of planting the evidence to discredit the work of U.N. inspectors
in 1495.
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MAN
HURT IN HARRY POTTER, GYM ACCIDENT(BR)
A man broke his wrist after he collapsed under the
weight of a 200 pound bar bell while to trying to do squats
and read Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix
simultaneously. He said he was never one to waste time
and had “been reading magazines during spinning class
for quite some time” and “just recently managed
to read a paperback about winning at blackjack during curls.”
He said he got the idea after his sister gave him the large
print 1,000-page hardback, and even though he had no interest
in jumping into the series about a boy wizard midway through,
was looking for a physical challenge.
HOTEL
CALIFORNIA TO BRING BACK “CHAMPAGNE ON ICE”
(BR)
Facing empty rooms and creditors in a dormant tourism
industry, the famed Hotel California will bring back a popular
drink , "pink champagne on ice," with hopes of
rekindling the magic of years past. Hotel spokesperson Elaine
McQuincy said at a recent press conference, “We haven’t
served it here since 1969." In order to commemorate
the event, McQuincy was said to have attempted to lure the
Eagles out of retirement for a lounge set. A faxed statement
from guitarist Joe Walsh read, “We are retired. Don’t
you people get that?” He then went on to make an acrostic
poem using the letters in RETIRED. T was “tired of
all this crap.”
HETEROSEXUAL
WATCHES A WEDDING STORY ON TLC
(BR)
It was reported a local man watched The Learning
Channel's top-rated reality show although he immediately
denied the allegations, claiming he simply forgot to turn
the TV off after watching an episode of A Personal Story
about breast augmentation.
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| Joseph Conrad has nothing on the pain and the plight of
the 'Horse's crippled but stouthearted songbird. |
If
you like it, buy some from your local mom
'n'
pop major appliance and CD retailer. |
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The
McGriddle
McDonald's latest marriage of edible material and marketing
is the this new breakfast sandwich. As you can see, it is
even branded with an "M" like a cow might be,
just in case you forgot where you bought it. Following in
the footsteps of the stuffed crust pizza, it attempts to
cram stuff where stuff has never been crammed before. Instead
of cheese in the crust, though, it has syrup injected directly
into the muffin. And instead of ingredients that can be
broken down by your digestive system into nutrients, it
doesn't have those. Reviews on the internet have ranged
from "I was repulsed but hungry, so I ate it"
to "Off-the-chart disgusting, I'm surprised the clerk
didn't hand me the bag using tongs." There are plenty
of reasons to boycott McD's anyway.
One-fourth of the cows slaughtered by the restaurant are
old dairy cattle likely to be riddled with diseases and
antibiotic residues. Not one worker at McDonald's belongs
to a union even though more clerks make minimum wage and
are being robbed more than in any other profession. Half
of today's children think Ronald McDonald "knows best
what kids should eat", even though he clearly encourages
a diet high in sugar, salt, fat, and milkshakes. The clown's
a real prick.
I have done my own studies on the McGriddle, and by my calculations,
if you begin to eat just three of the sandwiches a week,
you will, as a conservative estimate, develop diabetes and/or
experience a heart attack within a month. Please stop. |
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The
Squirrel Monkey
My name is Kevin Shaughnessy and I love monkeys. The gentle
squirrel monkey, as he used to be commonly known, is a member
of the Saimiri genus within the Cebidae
family of primates. Besides their friendly demeanor, they
used to be most renowned for their oversized occipital lobe
that was devoted to auditory processing, resulting in a
complex vocalization system. They're just like people! Unfortunately,
they are more infamous now for their role in the Serbian-Croation
war, when they became known as "mine monkeys".
Serbians used them to hunt for land mines by letting them
loose in the dangerous "killing fields" of Western
Slavonia during the early 90's. They quickly became an endangered
species, and a relief organization was organized to save
them, of which I am a member. Fortunately, 20 million squirrel
monkeys were found living in the Bolivian jungles a few
years ago. My name is Kevin Shaughnessy and I love monkeys. |
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