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Panty
Crimes
The practice of secretly filming up ladies' skirts has been
frowned upon ever since skirts and film were invented. Is
the nation coming around on the issue?
Hot
Irony? Topical Cream!
T-shirts are more than clothing. They are a chance to let
the world know who you are and which monster truck events
you've been to. Believe it or not, some people buy their
"statements" at the mall.
Mein
Kampf?
Confusing 'point - counterpoint' articles got you down?
Take a stand on the things that make up our popular rhetoric. |
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The
Highway Alphabet
A new series of travelogues from our resident journalist /
teacher / itinerant. She ponders why some traveling is so
boring and how to make it better. |
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My
Turn
Albert Van Peebles is not a celebrity, but apparently, he
should be. Read about his Gump-ian travels through US history.
This week, he narrowly avoids fame and fortune in Motown. |
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THE ZONE WITH SPORTS
TALK
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Rome
is Still Burning Me Up
Jim Rome takes his crappy circus of sports talk onto the small
screen so he can bag on the spelling bee champ. Television
only enhances his unmistakable brand of plodding, obvious
commentary. |
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This
week's mailbag includes the full text of a letter from our first
celebrity groupie, a fan's angry response to a movie review, and
the "man" trying to cramp
our style, so...
...
READ THEM HERE. |
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DELL
INTERNS ALSO PROVIDE TECH SUPPORT (BR)
It was revealed Tuesday that only 60% of Dell's
support staff are full time employees. Temps and the 7 actors
who play the Dell Interns make up the rest. Dell admitted
the embarrassing fact after message boards were flooded
last week with complaints by customers who said the final
advice they got after a fruitless hour on the support line
was, "Jesus Christ, we never had any improv exercises
like this in acting class!"
COLLEGE
STUDENT SAYS STAR WARS STILL RUINED
(BR)
A college student at a party last Monday said that
he can still barely watch any Star Wars movie at
this point because the “empire” now reminds
him too much of “downtown D.C.”. “When
Clones came out and Palpatine created a fake enemy
– the clones – as an excuse to seize more power
for himself, my jaw dropped… it’s just like
our war with muslimism.” After re-examining earlier
films and concluding that “Cheney might as well be
Vilmarh Grahrk,” he decided that watching them (except
for the Planet Endoor scenes) is “just too fucking
real, now”.
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MAN
OPTS FOR DAISY 'PILATE' FUENTES (BR)
For the last three Saturdays, a Cleveland man has
forsaken his extensive porn collection in favor of body
sculpting infomercials. “I don’t know why I’ve
been waking up so early. It’s not like I’m setting
my alarm to wake up and masturbate to Daisy Fuentes doing
Pilates, but I’ve been up and things have just been
happening.” An avid pornography fan since the eighth
grade, he has devoted an entire room of his home to pornography
, including some weird, unmentionable stuff. “When
I’m lying there on the couch, I know I could get up
and grab a tape, but it’s more spontaneous this way.”
He then glanced downward at his hands before continuing,
“And spontaneity is the key to any successful relationship.”
BILL
WALTON, JASON KIDD TO MARRY
(BR)
NBA free-agent-to-be Jason Kidd revealed he will
make a fresh start next season with a new team and a new
husband, NBA analyst Bill Walton. Kidd said Walton's repeated
comments during the NBA finals about "my stunning green
eyes" was what initially attracted him. Walton later
confirmed the story and added they plan to adopt Richard
Jefferson, a player Walton has often referred to as "magnificent"
and "the most incredible player of all time".
Walton then joked, "Jason won't be beating on me like
his old wife, though, because if he does, I'll dunk something
in his face!"
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| This is not the greatest song introduction in the world,
it's just a tribute to the greatest song introduction in the
world, which actually reads nothing like this introduction. |
If
you like it, buy some from your local mom
'n'
pop major appliance and CD retailer. |
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The
Duck-Billed Platypus
My name is Ken Bialobrzeski of the
Polish Corner and I like monkeys. This week’s monkey
is the duck-billed platypus. In response to those who claim
the platypus is a duck and not a monkey; you are wrong.
I, too, was once fooled by the duckbill, but then I discovered
that the platypus is actually a marsupial, just like monkeys
because they used to be able to fly. My name is Ken Bialobrzeski
of the Polish Corner and I like monkeys.
If you’re wondering why I’m not Kevin, who usually
writes this column, it’s because he’s a fraud
and he claims to be the world’s number one fan of
monkeys, an improvable statement if ever there ever was
one. I know improvable statements when I hear them. Like
the time I tried to prove to some dude talking trash that
I did, in fact, know my ass from a hole in the ground and
I ended up coining the term “shovelectomy”.
I didn’t prove shit and Kevin has never even seen
Project X, so in no way, shape, or form can he
be the top monkey fan on the planet.
My name is Ken Bialobrzeski of the
Polish Corner and I like monkeys. |
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