»The Subtext of Ben Stein

A new column about hidden meanings called You See Tomato, I See Potato. Now, that's a good title, but it would be better if the writer's name was Bob Russet, because a Russet is a kind of potato.

»An Open Letter

Famous humorist Joel Stein was just plain wrong in his attack on custom mix CD's.

»An Evening With The Pops

A heartwarming look at the maturing relationship between a father and son.

ANNA KOURNIKOVA INVITED TO PLAY STOKER CLASSIC (BR)

Anna Kournikova has been asked to play a PGA golf tournament next month with a sponsor's exemption from Wilson Sports. An executive for the apparel company said he got the idea while watching Annika Sorenstam play the Colonial right after reading an FHM. "The whole thing was kind of boring," he said, "and I was hoping it would be a lot hotter. I ended up playing Outlaw Golf on X-Box for most of the day. We think this will be much more exciting for the true golf fans out there."

SEQUELS WILL CONTINUE TO RULE SUMMER BOX OFFICE (BR)

With Hollywood already counting the cash it hopes to earn from a summer full of successful sequels and a renewed interest in break dancing, New Line Cinema has announced plans to begin production immediately on Breakin’ 3: Electric Boogaloo 2 - Attack of the Boogaloos. The original stars who played Turbo and Ozone have already signed up with the project. When asked to comment, Adolfo Quinones (Ozone) was quoted as saying, “I really think the time is right to unleash my new moves.” He pointed out that “the movies were originally conceived as a trilogy” and that “this film would answer a lot of lingering questions.”

CLAY AIKENS GAINS MUCH MORE THAN FAME (BR)

At the onset of the last American Idol competition, Clay Aiken was said by Simon Cowel, to “possess the voice of a soulful arch-angel" even though he admitted to having the self-image of a Screech Powers. The AI finalist soon began a transformation. With the right combination of silk, hair dye, make-up,and a pubic hair, Aiken was called “quite a man” by Paula Abdul. “I like being quite a man, to be honest. After my first album bombs, I plan on keeping this look when I reinvent myself as a Christian singer named Toby Aikens.”

PHOTOS PROVEN TO INCREASE READERSHIP OF FAKE NEWS (BR)

During a two-week-long study that took into account web site hits, unsolicited responses, and writer satisfaction, it was determined that gratuitous photos of girls in tank tops holds an extreme appeal for male readers of fake news and does not totally offend as many women as you might think.