WALDO
FIRED OVER ANTI-WAR STANCE (BR)
Waldo Henderson, star of the popular children's puzzles
"Where's Waldo?", was recently fired for what he calls,
"having the courage to stand up for what I believe in,"
and has threatened to sue for wrongful termination. A spokesperson
for Hasbro responded with a curt statement, "He couldn't
very well do his job, anymore, could he? Anybody could find Waldo
when he's carrying those big peace signs."
DR. PHIL FINISHES 14 OUT OF 15 AT ARCHERY CONTEST
(BR)
At a recent benefit, an archery contest was held for attending
stars. Local celebrity Channel 6’s Bruce McKinley finished
6th. “I just figured I’d finish 6th to give Channel
6 a little pub,” said McKinley with the wry smile that has
captivated viewers for almost ten years. Favorite Dr. Phil McGraw
finished second to last. “I’m known to millions of
television viewers as a straight shooter,” said Dr. Phil.
“I don't know what happened,” before turning away
and muttering, “God damn it!” The contest was won
by Reginald Vel Johnson, otherwise known to the world as Family
Matters sitcom-patriarch Carl Winslow.
JOHNNY-5 DESTROYED (BR)
Seven recently released POW's are now back at Fort Bliss,
near El Paso, TX. They are reported to be experiencing “happy
times," but several were saddened by the loss of their unit's
chef to Iraqi captors, a "mechanical cook", former actor
Johnny-5 from the movie Short Circuit. One soldier said,
"He was great for morale, always reminding us that 'life
is not a malfunction' and making great chicken-fried steak."
Steve Guttenburg commented, "I'm confused, I thought he was
just a puppet or something?" Johnny-5 will be replaced by
that robot from Red Planet.
K-MART
UNVEILS DUCT TAPE FOR SURGICAL MASK DISCOUNT
(BR)
K-Mart Superstores announced Thursday that it will
offer a 30% percent discount on family packs of surgical masks,
which are expected to be in short supply due to SARS fears. To
receive the discount, a customer must bring in a new roll of duct
tape. Local man Jim Walters said, "It's good. I have about
750 rolls of tape sitting in the garage. I don't know how many
masks I need, yet, but I imagine the price break will really help." |
