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1/3 Part Club Soda
1/3 Part Lingonberry Concentrate (available from IKEA)
1/3 Part Vodka
Add Crushed Ice

Most of the time, when I tell people about my signature drink and basketball nickname, The Dirty Nathan, the look of disgust on their face escalates until I am done, and then they begin to ask how I could drink something so disgusting. That’s usually when I tell them about my alternative signature drink and nickname in college I got from an incident in the dorm bathroom… that usually shuts them up.

Let me first thank my friend who got me a crock pot as a housewarming present, along with four plastic freezer mugs that have little footballs on the side (great for Sundays!). While I’m thankful for everyone’s generosity, some would say the pot looks even better when compared to other gifts: a free book on mortgages from someone’s work, someone’s rear-view window ornament, and a DVD someone accidentally bought for themselves without knowing a better, special edition existed. Here’s the recipe for Nathan’s Cran-Tard Pork:

1-16oz Can of Cranberry Sauce
4 Tbs. Dijon Mustard
3 Tbs. Fresh Lemon Juice
3 Tbs. Brown Sugar
3 Pork Tenderloins
1 Lb. Beets

Notice, the beets are optional. I only include them in all my recipes so the clever title of these columns make sense – and the eventual name of the book as well, Crock Rockin’ Beets: 101 Recipes to Improve Your Health with a Crock Pot and Beets. Anyway, take all the ingredients above and mix them with a wooden spoon. When you are done, it should look like three alien slugs from the 1986 movie Night of the Creeps soaking in a vat of fetal liquid.

After ten hours of cooking on low, it should look even worse, but will taste amazing – a marinated, loose-meat heaven.

1/2 Part Diet Vanilla Pepsi
1/2 Part Milk
Add Vodka to Taste

Stir and add little icecubes for coldness. Warning: If you like drinks that give you signals to “slow down” or “stop” because you are drinking too much of them, this is not for you. A Dirty Nathan will sneak up behind you. It may also give you superhuman strength, though, as I have recently discovered there is a chance you will wake up in bed with a toilet handle clutched in one hand. Also, some people have warned if you like drinks that “taste good” this may not be for you.