Albuterol For The Soul – LittleCubeNews.com

I got this for the other Nathan…

“Hi Nathan,
Attached is the copy of my check, front and back, which was sent to you for my October payment which seems to be in question.  As you can see, I sent you a copy on November 22nd.  Hope this gets the issue resolved.

Thanks, and Happy New Year,
Carolyn Mulry”

And my reply…

Dear Carol Murphy,

I do vaguely remember getting your first e-mail, but it seemed meaningless to me since I could not figure out a way to turn this poorly copied and already processed check into cash. I thought about sending you a funny reply then, but you at least deserve a serious answer now.  I never got the check but this was no shock to me as I don’t own any vans or storage units, so it wouldn’t make much sense for you to pay me for them. If I did own a van, however, you would be more than welcome to rent it. I’m guessing it would be pretty awesome – maybe with a mural of Willow and Mad Mardigan painted on the outside.  Your $325 for an hour or two would seem about right. Here are some of the things I would probably spend it on:

1.    A mural of John McLane and John Rambo on the other side.

So as you can see, it would have gone to some really important stuff.  Please let me know if you would like to send me another check,

Nathan

Even though I never really had anything against The Home Depot, the only reason I was shopping there is that my parents gave me a gift card (even though I specifically asked for a gift card to The Dream Palace Gentleman’s Club).  So, I ordered a garbage disposal off of your website. At this point, my only wish is that once I finally get this thing, Mrs. Home Depot will somehow lose her wedding ring down my kitchen sink, and then my blood-spattered face will be laughing maniacally after I turn it on while you (Mr. Home Depot) are searching for it.  What sort of customer service nightmare would cause me to have such an extreme reaction? Admittedly, it was not a disastrous one, just an incredibly annoying one.  Also, I am not an emotionally “sound” person to begin with.

Let me point out that “the convenience of online shopping” cannot be spelled without “convenience”. After I placed my order, it appeared that you had not charged my gift card at all, only my credit card. Naturally, I sent an e-mail one minute later to explain the situation. And naturally, I was sent a shipping confirmation two days later before you replied to my e-mail stating that nothing could be done because my order had already been sent – you said it was my responsibility to call UPS and refuse the order.

I called UPS and attempted to refuse the order. Instead of using your phrasing (“refuse” has such an off-putting tone), I told them that “I would like to decline your generous offer of a parcel”. I also followed it with, “you deaf fucking robot,” because it was an automated system that would not understand anything I said. Once I got a human, she acted like I was an idiot because I didn’t know I would have to wait for the actual delivery before refusing it. You you got me again, Home Depot!

For some reason I decided to go into an actual store and plead my case (with tears). They gave me many reasons why I was an idiot. You’d won again!

I imagine the conclusion of this thing will be me sending back the package for a credit and buying it at the store with the gift card.  It will be completely anticlimactic… until you open the package. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but you should probably tell Mrs. Home Depot you love her while you still can and maybe watch the movie Seven together if you appreciate irony.

Sincerely,

Nathan

Another moving client wrote to me about his mom, Harriet, and all the details of her job, including these pertinent sections:

“Just writing to say I hope you received my phone messages today earlier with the various phone numbers and points of contact; please let me know if you have any questions. My mom is looking forward to the move and says she just hopes you have a big enough truck!? (Joking.)”

“…that stationary exercise bicycle, or my mom’s little fold-up bicycle, no, we have not put those in big boxes, figuring you have a method of dealing with those sorts of things… things like a wheelbarrow, or a few shovels and garden implements, no, we have not boxed those, figuring you have a method… things like kitchen implements, canned goods, towels, miscellaneous small tools, file folders, office supplies, all that stuff, yes, it’s been boxed…”

Dave,

I kind of read over your e-mail but started glazing over around the start of your itemized  laundry list (file folders, dishes, small tools, canned goods, etc.) Don’t worry about the last thing, by the way, as we usually eat any food items during the move… that’s one way we can offer such low prices, you see – by not having to stop at gas stations for food (although I have to admit it doesn’t matter if you’re just moving across town – we will still eat the peaches).  But basically, I get it – you have a bunch of shit. We’ll get it there. It’s what we do.

I was thinking more about your last name… I know your mom’s name is Henrietta or something, but are you related to Susan Boyle? She is this lady on YouTube who sings about dreaming and makes Simon Cowell smile. I wrote this for Wikipedia: “Global interest in Boyle was triggered by the contrast between her powerful voice and her plain appearance on stage. The juxtaposition of the audience’s first impression of her with the standing ovation she received after her performance led to an international media and Internet response…  CONSIDER ME A BIG PART OF THAT RESPONSE!!!” You probably know all that though, especially if you are related. I would like an autograph if you can make that happen.

Nathan

PS Maybe once your Mom sees how big my truck is she will not even think of joking about it.

I recently got an e-mail for another Nathan from some people that appear to be from a Christian camp in the Ozarks. Attached is their included picture. I am still waiting for a response.

Dear Britt & Gayle,

Thank you for thinking of me. It seems so long ago that I spent those blissful days in His mountains along with the MK Care Shepherding team! You asked for updates on specific aspects of my life so here goes:

1. Work – I have a job at a surf shop in La Jolla.  I have found it extremely surprising that full time Bible School did not really teach me any practical skills. Fishing and spreading His word – not in high demand out here. I feel like Lord kind of let me down on this one.
2. School – As you may remember my plan was to attend Notre Dame, but I wanted to spend some time in California first.  This dude who works at La Surfer King with me convinced me that school only teaches you to be submissive to authority… he also said this was a bad thing.  More importantly, I spent my entire savings I had budgeted for one year in two weeks.  So I don’t have money for school anymore.
3. Culture Shock – As you can imagine, California is much different than Missouri. All the things you warned us about exist and are plentiful: drugs, alcohol, homosexual sex, heterosexual sex, and the Devil’s music, just to name a few. Unfortunately, I have now experienced all of these first hand…  sometimes by force.
4. Family – They do not speak to me anymore.

I know it seems I am quite far away from my goals of being a minister and marrying a woman… sometimes I wonder if I have lost my way… or maybe I have finally found it?  I think about shit like that sometimes when I am up for 72 hours straight. I appreciate the offer of your home phone number and would like to call you about questions like these. I have so many questions… like, how do I know this isn’t all someone else’s dream?! Some dude asked me that at a bonfire and it blew my mind. Be warned, I do most of my thinking late at night.

Also, I would love to join you for Thanksgiving per your invitation. Is it alright if I bring some friends? The guy I work with I told you about has a bus that can hold about 36 people.

This last part is embarrassing, but could you tell me which one of you is Britt and which one is Gayle? I never really figured that out, or if I did, I’ve completely forgotten it.

Thanks,

Nathan

I was fined $500 for having glass at a pool party at my condominium. This is my response:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is regarding the bullshit fine given to Unit #365 for violation of Section G-10. There are three main points in my dispute of this assessment. I have followed all rules to the best of my ability in this instance and in previous instances where I have reserved the pool with no issues, including a complete lack of fecal incidents, though not necessarily a lack of pool sex (an act not at all prohibited in your monthly newsletter “The Center Court Community Digest” that apparently now doubles as the “official rules and regulations”).

1. The douche bag who brought (and broke) the bowl was not an invited guest of mine. Because of a prior pool reservation where other people came to swim, I wanted to know what I was liable for.  I verbally verified when reserving the pool that it was OK for me to let other people use the pool and I would not be responsible for their behavior. As such, I had no interest preventing other people I did not know from swimming or enjoying themselves.  I only know the person who brought the bowl as “Brent”.  I wish I could be of more help to who this inebriated & coked-up man-whore was, but he was no friend of mine.  He was with two other strangers, one with a large tattoo on his chest which I think  was a panther or maybe Garfield the cat (I’ve heard the HOA manager is a former police officer, so perhaps these details can aid in any investigation) .  Eventually, “Brent” seemed to understand that no one was going to eat his leftover slop, and tried to take it back his car or apartment or wherever the fuck he came from. Unfortunately, this clown began doing some retarded dance in an evident effort to entertain us, at which point he dropped it.  From what I understand, this entire situation was explained by one of my friends to the security guard (who promised to “take care of us”…  thanks a lot you miserable old battle-axe). They were all quite aware of the rules because of my insistence on no glass or pool shitting, which I’m afraid makes me come across as a real tight-ass.  Yet, I have done this because I am well aware of the rules.

2. I would like to reiterate I was told that I would only be responsible for my guests, but if this was complete ass-talk from the old man in the office, I would also like to make another point. Perhaps you will regard this as a technicality, but the bowl broken was not glass. It was clearly a ceramic bowl.  I fully understand the spirit of the rule, but as stated in your official rules, this is not a violation as ceramic is not “glass of any type”. Perhaps the regulations should be rewritten to include “breakable items” so it makes it easier for you to be complete assholes in the future.

3. Another thing – the sign posted at the pool clearly states that a fine for glass is $100. I’ve included a picture of it for your reference. I also have 3 witnesses in case you try and write over it with a Sharpie the way you did to the signs at the south pool. As an interesting side note, there was an older lady swimming when I took this picture. After explaining to her what I was doing, she told me a story in a thick Hungarian accent of how she had been bringing her twelve grandkids to the pool for ten years with no problems until the current HOA manager changed the rules limiting guests for no reason other than as an exhibition of his  delusional power trip. I thought she might just be a senile immigrant, but once she used the phrase “sad, washed-up cop with no meaning in his life”, I knew she was onto something.

I hope this resolves the matter. I would also like to note that I expect my deposit check for clean-up to be returned.  The area was as clean or cleaner when we left it than we got there. Despite Brent’s culpability, he did not show much interest in cleaning his mess. We made sure it was completely picked up since we fully understand the danger this could present in a swimming area (bloody feet, which leads to bloody water, which leads to sharks).

There are several of my guests who can verify anything I’ve written if you would like their contact information. In addition, Awesome John from Unit #344 was present for a short time. He was not a guest of mine, and I had not even met this guy before. But by liberally helping himself to our cooler of Bud Light and his use of the phrase “old twat” to describe the residents at the complex, I feel like he may be a future friend.

Thank you so much for your attention in this matter,

Nathan

One of the other Nathans I often get e-mail for is apparently a runner at Victory Christian School because the cross country coach put me on his mailing list, and he recently asked for the members to update him with any changes in contact information…

Please remove me from this list – I have decided I hate running because God hates running. Ever hear of Jesus running anywhere? I didn’t think so. Don’t try and change my mind. If you ever see me running, it is only because my mom is making me – she is convinced that running expels demons when the opposite is probably true. Sometimes, I wish she would be stricken down with a holy bolt from the sky right before she reaches the finish line – maybe then all of you would learn!

Also, I don’t like to cast stones, but Nick Paloma and his entire family is insufferable [ed. note - I inferred this from the number of Palomas on the list].  If I have listen to them talk about their matching sneakers one more time, I might be forced to pray that one of them gets punched right in the face somehow.

And his response…

I will remove you from the list.  Sorry you don’t like running.  If I disliked it as much as you…I’d quit too!  Should our saviour ever change your mind about running give me a holler…I’ll add you back on.

Regards,
Rich

An e-mail for the other Nathan Fuller accidentally landed in my inbox the other day.  Apparently, my shadow Nathan is experiencing some heartache… or something…

Hi Mr. Wall

Thanks for the email. =) I see your reasons and I respect them, that is ok.  I was actually praying that whatever you would say would determine what I would do.  I am content to be just friends, and if sometime in the future if the interest is still there we can continue are friendship at a better more logical time.  Essie is young, and your right about her not needing anything official with any guy while at NCA.  I appreciate and respect both you and and Essie =) thank you for the email.  Essie did say that if I wanted to talk/email her after I left that I needed to ask you first.  Do I have our permission to email/chat with her?

~Nathan Fuller

His response…

Yes, that would be fine. Thanks for taking the time to write as well.

Dave

And my response to Mr. Wall, in hopes of getting a restraining order taken out on somebody…

Fortunately, I have had a change of heart via the transmission of God’s Will through my daily prayer sessions. Ultimately, I must do what God says, not (like I had hoped) what you say – I’m sorry.

True love is a gift like the holy sunshine and we must bathe in its warmth – so I will follow Essie to NCA! If we cannot live together right now, then I have found a small room for rent  in very close proximity to campus. It is under a bar – technically a basement – but the rent is cheap if I agree to work as a busboy and I share my space with unopened palettes of beer.

I understand your concern that Essie is young… very young… but there is no age requirement for love. I mean, legally, there might be one according to man’s law, but that is not the Law I follow… anyway, I don’t think that necessarily applies here. How old is Essie again?

I have yet to make it official with Essie but as soon as she logs into her IM we will chat about it. I’m sure she will be happy to here my decision! I long for the day when she sends me the “love emoticon,” which is a little throbbing heart – I must say I’m getting frustrated by the constant smiley faces.

Sincerely,

Nathan

Every two months or so I get an e-mail for someone with my name, and from what I can judge about the inquiries, he is apparently a furniture mover in California. Whatever business card or napkin he accidentally put my e-mail address on – he has not made much effort to correct it. I’ve held my tongue even though I’m sure, somewhere out there, he thinks he’s better than me just because he can maneuver a right-hand turn in something larger than a Toyota Tacoma. The latest e-mail was from someone giving rates for vans and the required insurance to rent them. No one tells me what insurance I need (besides my state government), and I was bored at work, so I was forced to respond:

Dear Sydney “Penske” Larson,

First off, I don’t remember talking to you, but that is not necessarily unusual, so I’m sure it was a nice conversation, and I appreciate you getting back to me with some info it seems I may have asked for.

The way it looks, I would not mind renting several vans from you for many years. Do you not have yearly rates or 5-year rates? Is there any charge for removing any carpeting I might install?

I do have some concerns about the insurance requirements. I, of course, do not have any insurance at all, much less a “minimum combined single limit of $1,000,000 for tractors and $750,000 for straight trucks”. How do I go about getting something like this? Are
there driving tests involved or do I also need an official license? That could be somewhat of a problem – let’s just say I ran someone over once… but at least one of us was drunk! Ha, ha, jk – it was only him (wink, wink). No really, I’m joking, you would have to be crazy to rent vans to someone who admitted to alcoholism.

Sincerely,
Nathan

To my surprise he actually wrote back and informed me that “legally, you do need an official license to drive the vehicle, as you would need driving any other motorized automobile/truck on CA road’s and highways”.

Hey Penske,

Hmmm, it seems we may be getting closer to an oral agreement (I, of course, will not “do written contracts” as I have had my fair share of hassles with those in the past). The carpet could be a deal breaker, but I could probably rip it out myself. And while I assume you do a standard inspection of the vehicles upon my return of them, I must insist a forensic-style black light NOT be used.

I did not realize you came by my facility… I’m a little creeped out. Did we meet? Also, I’m suprised you would assume I have insurance on the vehicles parked in the lot, or that they are even mine. You know what they say you do when you “assume” – you make a real asshole out of yourself. It’s all good, though, because I have plenty of insurance. I am not sure if I have a “certificate”, so I will need you to send me (via postal mail) a certificate just exactly the way you need it except for the name part empty – just so I can see EXACTLY what you are looking for – then I can go through my filing system and find it. Sometimes, dealing with all this beuracratic mumbo-jumbo so the feds can have their goddamn paperwork can be such a hassle. This next part is a joke because my brother told me once its illegal to talk shit against the government over e-mail, but sometimes it makes me want to fire bomb a DMV.

Unfortunately, as you probably know, it seems the only legal way to protest our government is not to file taxes.

Sorry, I am going off on a tangent. Talk to you soon, Syd!

Nathan

Well, he wrote back again informing me that “standard procedure for all rentals require a ‘rental agreement contract’ (his quotes). I wish you the best of luck with your business.”

Syd,

Why does this always happen to me?!

Sincerely,
Nathan

To whom it may concern,

I recently stayed at your establishment, the Moore Hotel, for three nights. I chose it because it was right next to the Moore Theatre, and I was going to see a couple of concerts there- Gillian Welch and Jim James. Maybe you’ve heard of them? I doubt it, since their fans tend to wear cool shirts, and that was not in evidence where any of your desk clerks were concerned.

Regardless, I don’t really care what kind of music you guys like, even if it includes that new album by Ben Folds and William Shatner (yikes!). But I really wish you would have told me when I made reservations that you didn’t have any heat. Even this oversight wouldn’t have been so bad if my bathroom window wasn’t broken. Every time I had to use the restroom in the middle of the night, it felt like I was stepping outside. In Arizona (where I’m from), I actually do this regularly and enjoy the stars. But in Seattle (where I was visiting), it felt like my feet, hands, and genitals were going to freeze immediately.

Another complaint – I requested a wake up call at 6 am on my last morning there. I was awakened at 9 am by my friend frantically knocking at my door screaming, “You’re going to miss your flight!”. All I could think was, “But I have to keep my genitals warm!” before I completely woke and realized she was right. In explaining the lack of a phone call, the desk clerk informed me that “my phone must not be working”. No shit?

I fully expected to miss my flight since my driver’s license has a faded picture and I’m usually forced to go through the full security screening with all the Koreans and people with a European name. Fortunately, the person who checked my boarding pass and ID was fairly incompetent and waved me through with less than 5 minutes to spare. I don’t think the woman sitting next to me on the flight appreciated it, though. By her facial expression, she was either extremely displeased with her complimentary scone or could tell I didn’t have time to shower.

Because of your convenient location, affordable prices, and the fact I could see the TV while taking a shower, I will definitely stay with you again if I ever return to Seattle. Still, I just had to share with you my negative experience in hopes that you will fix the goddamn window in room 600.

Sincerely,

Nathan Fuller

Hello Nathan,

I am very sorry for the experience you had at The Moore. It was & never is our intention for our guests to have an unpleasant stay. We did experience our heating system going down on Monday Oct 4th. I apologize for not having mentioned that fact when you checked in.

As far as the window is concerned…. you are right… you paid for a room that should have had unbroken windows.

I would need to look into the telephone problem but as long as it was programed it always rings the room. So either the clerk did not program it or it ran but did not get ansewered. Either way there was an issue.

So…. to make the situation “right” I can credit your acct the amount you paid for the room, or I can comp your next
stay up to 2 days (not room 600) plus I will throw in 2 tics (row H….dead center)..(provided it is a reserved show)
to any up coming Moore Theatre show. (with the exception of anything Disney produces).

Sincerely,

Mike

You are really an ass. I guess the freedom of speach is working or ou wouldnt be. I know you have the right to say whatever you like but it seems to me that if you don’t know what or who, you are talking about you shouldn’t say anything.

I am talking about what you wrote about John Ritter. My Dad always told me that if you haven’t got anything nice to say don’t say anything. Enough Said!

Anonymous

Ed. Reply: Thank you for contacting LittleCubeNews. I appreciate the fact you don’t think I’d be “working” without freedom of speech. That seems to imply I’m getting paid for this. It’s really quite flattering. Unfortunately, thousands of readers a month and the occasional e-mail like yours is the only reward for my “work”.

I’m sorry you’re upset I didn’t mention “Problem Child” or the informational video “The Joys of Natural Birth” in my John Ritter eulogy. It was an oversight. I hope you can forgive the omission and visit LittleCubeNews in the future.

Sincerely,
The Editor

_____________________________________________

Thank you for advertising with Google AdWords. After reviewing your account, I have found that your site does not meet our guidelines. The results are outlined in the report below.

At this time, Google policy does not permit the advertisement of “Hate” websites that contain “language that advocates against an individual, group, or organization (McDonald’s)”. As noted in our advertising terms and conditions, we reserve the right to exercise editorial discretion when it comes to the advertising we accept on our site.

Sincerely,
The Google AdWords Team

Ed. Reply: Thank you for policing the content of my website. After review, it seems that I may have, indeed, accidentally expressed an opinion. And it may have even been critical towards McDonalds. God forbid. Combine those dangerous opinions with a few inflammatory facts (taken from one of those notoriously unreliable NY Times bestsellers no less, Fast Food Nation) and I can see why my ad should have been “suspended”. If just one of the ten people who read my site decided not to buy a McGriddle sandwich, then that is economic injury to an American business I am responsible for! I hope one of the minimum wage workers they shuffle in for 10 hours a week does not get fired because McD’s can’t afford to pay him. Then again, it is likely that worker would have been shot in a robbery. Maybe I saved a life! Oh, who am I kidding- probably not.

Even if McDonald’s is indirectly responsible, oh hell, let’s just say directly responsible for the death, pain, suffering, undermining, and crippling of people, animals, and free-market economies, that is no reason for me to go off on the McGriddle! I have never even had one. I am only reticent to go in and buy one because gallons of blood on the floor make me squeamish, even the metaphorical kind.

I guess Thomas Friedman, who is usually right about nothing, was dead-on when he asked if Google was God in a recent op/ed. I apologize to you and the trouble I have caused for the people who review ad content. But since a person who reviews the ad content for appropriateness actually took the trouble to click through it and read the site, my total number of readers is now 11. Thanks.

While I work on changing the content of my site, I temporarily changed the ad to read “We love the McGriddle. Read why while you still can.” The only problem I have is that my regretful piece about the McGriddle was part of a column urging people to “resist things”. So what do I put there, now? In light of this recent experience, I am thinking about going after Amnesty International. I assume there would be no problem with that? Until then, I will continue to look to Google ads for principled advertisers, especially when searching for “ass fisting” and “used condoms”, which brings up 17 paid advertisers alone.