Archive for June, 2003

Kevin’s Monkey of the Week

Saturday, June 28th, 2003

minekevin1

My name is Kevin Shaughnessy and I love monkeys. The gentle squirrel monkey, as he used to be commonly known, is a member of the Saimiri genus within the Cebidae family of primates. Besides their friendly demeanor, they used to be most renowned for their oversized occipital lobe that was devoted to auditory processing, resulting in a complex vocalization system. They’re just like people! Unfortunately, they are more infamous now for their role in the Serbian-Croation war, when they became known as “mine monkeys”. Serbians used them to hunt for land mines by letting them loose in the dangerous “killing fields” of Western Slavonia during the early 90’s. They quickly became an endangered species, and a relief organization was organized to save them, of which I am a member. Fortunately, 20 million squirrel monkeys were found living in the Bolivian jungles a few years ago. My name is Kevin Shaughnessy and I love monkeys.

The McGriddle

Saturday, June 28th, 2003

mcgriddle

McDonald’s latest marriage of edible material and marketing is the this new breakfast sandwich. As you can see, it is even branded with an “M” like a cow might be, just in case you forgot where you bought it. Following in the footsteps of the stuffed crust pizza, it attempts to cram stuff where stuff has never been crammed before. Instead of cheese in the crust, though, it has syrup injected directly into the muffin. And instead of ingredients that can be broken down by your digestive system into nutrients, it doesn’t have those. Reviews on the internet have ranged from “I was repulsed but hungry, so I ate it” to “Off-the-chart disgusting, I’m surprised the clerk didn’t hand me the bag using tongs.” There are plenty of reasons to boycott McD’s anyway.

One-fourth of the cows slaughtered by the restaurant are old dairy cattle likely to be riddled with diseases and antibiotic residues. Not one worker at McDonald’s belongs to a union even though more clerks make minimum wage and are being robbed more than in any other profession. Half of today’s children think Ronald McDonald “knows best what kids should eat”, even though he clearly encourages a diet high in sugar, salt, fat, and milkshakes. The clown’s a real prick.

I have done my own studies on the McGriddle, and by my calculations, if you begin to eat just three of the sandwiches a week, you will, as a conservative estimate, develop diabetes and/or experience a heart attack within a month. Please stop.

Gemma & Cat

Saturday, June 28th, 2003

The backlash against Liz Phair’s new album by fans and critics alike has been so consistently negative and, at times, vitriolic, I’ve begun to wonder if a backlash against the backlash will occur. Rolling Stone gave her album three stars, while giving Jay Farrar’s two, who deserves more than that on reputation alone. And if Rolling Stone is not basing record reviews on reputation, then I don’t know what to believe. After all, Liz Phair’s cute as a button and her timid stage presence are still very winning. Unfortunately, that stuff called the music would still seem to get in the way of any possible reconciliation between Liz and her fans. In fact, revisiting her recent self-titled release (which happened to me while I was shopping for cereal and her new single started playing on the grocery store’s background audio system which, I believe, is designed to make people hungry with music so bland that it triggers a sub-conscious desire for anything with flavor) would only make a fan angrier. Here are a couple of alternatives.

For fans of later-era Liz, the new album by Irish singer Gemma Hayes offers a pleasant mix of straight forward rock and electronic flourishes similar to whitechocolatespaceegg. Harmonicas, mellotron, and slide guitars waft in and out like a breeze. Mid-tempo rockers dutifully punctuate the graceful ease of her slow numbers, all blanketed by one pretty voice. It’s slick and polished but not annoyingly so. It’s certainly not the most exciting thing you’ll hear this year, and if Liz had made it, it might have been labeled good, but more of the same in a creatively torpid career. This is Gemma’s first album, however, and hopefully a sign of things to come.

For fans of early-are Liz, the album Cat Power (aka Chan Marshall) released in February might be a welcome revelation. Its got the do-it-yourself feel of someone who still believes “yourself” is what matters most, not record sales. Going from sparse to teeming and back again, layered vocals and confessional lyrics infuse the record with a real sense of urgency. “We all do what we can / So we can do just one more thing / We can all be free / Maybe not in words / Maybe not with a look / But with your mind” she sings on the yearning, piano-ballad call to arms. There are not enough hooks to maintain the albums 14-song length, but it still manages to be a focused statement of presence.

On a scale of cereal, where Bedrock Blizzard Fruity Pebbles are a 1 and Cracklin’ Oat Bran is a 10, Gemma Hayes’ Night on Your Side is a bowl of Golden Crispix, the numerical equivalent of a 7.3. Cat Power’s You Are Free is a bowl of Frankenberry, the numerical equivalent of a 7.5.

Letters From Dignan

Saturday, June 28th, 2003

I sent the following to the makers of Mr. Clean cleaning products.

To Whom it May Concern:

My name is Dignan Clark and I am starting up a moving company in Newport called Mr. Zero Moving. If you’re wondering, it is taken from the movie “When Harry Met Sally…” during the scene where Harry tells Bruno Kirby that the mover who knew his wife was leaving him before he did was wearing a t-shirt that said “Don’t F*** With Mr. Zero.” Don’t worry, we are going to wear uniforms!

Anyway, I sort of used the Mr. Clean logo to make my own. I totally changed it, but my wife said I should run it by you guys first because she read that Spike Lee is suing TNN for trying use Spike TV. I told her I am not starting Mr. Clean Moving and I totally changed the logo. Still, she said I better do it. My logo is the second one. Yours is the first one.

See, I totally changed it.

Sincerely,

Dignan Clark

Dear Mr. Clark,

The Mr. Clean logo and Mr. Clean man design are registered trademarks of The Procter and Gamble Company of Cincinnati, Ohio. You must submit all uses for the trademark to P&G in Cincinnati.

In its current form, it would seem that your logo is an infringement on
the existing trademark.

Mr. Clean Cleaning Tools are a licensed product of Butler Home Products LLC.

This came a little later.

Thanks for contacting us, Dignan.

I appreciate your interest in using our Mr. Clean logo, but I’ve checked with our Mr. Clean contacts and we’re unable to give you permission to use our trademark because of the legal issues involved. I wish you much success in your new business.

Mary Lynn
USA Mr. Clean Team

I sent the following to four departments of the New Yorker magazine, just to make sure I wasn’t passed over. Still no response, but they say it could take 6-8 weeks.

Dear New Yorker,

Submitted is my proposal for a New Yorker cover. I think it would work best for the month of December, although January would come off well, too.

As you can see, it is a picture of a child living in Arizona looking very sad because he tried to make a “snowman” out of a cactus, but it looks terrible because, obviously, it is a cactus. I toyed with the idea of the child crying because he pricked himself while trying to put the hat on, but I think blood would undermine the “charming” tone I was going for.

Of course, I am flexible. I have never done a New Yorker cover before, but I imagine there is a “workshop” stage. I am not even opposed to the commissioning of a local painter to redo the actual artwork. I have read that bands sometimes hire a “studio musician” to perform on albums when the real member is in rehab. I suppose the magazine industry does something similar.

I have also included a complete mock up of our own art with the New Yorker logo (below) and I do think it could work. Maybe you could play it off like when the “Family Circus” is drawn by Billy and all the drawings are very childlike. Those are some of the best Family Circuses.

I thank you for your time and am looking forward to working with you.

Dignan Clark

I found this site where some lady will paint you and Stevie Nicks for money. Just take a look HERE. Naturally, I wanted a piece of art to call my own.

Dear Johanna,

Finding your site was amazing. I have been a fan of Stevie ever since “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.” I was wondering if you could do a picture of Stevie with Denzel Washington and my dog, Barracuda (he’s a sweetheart, I named him after a Stevie song). Denzel is my favorite actor and it would be great if Denzel (with his Training Day costume on) had his hand on Stevie’s shoulder even if maybe she looked a little uncomfortable because they just met or something and Denzel had his other hand petting Barracuda. You could put a unicorn or a moon in the background just like some of your others. I’ve tried to do this myself, but it doesn’t look good enough to hang on the wall. Here’s a couple of pictures of my dog and Denzel to give you an idea.

I’d like something around 20 x 30 inches and in color.

Thank you,

Dignan Clark

Dear Dignan,

Thank you very much for your kind interest in my work and your fantasy portrait price list request in regards to a portrait of your dog Barracuda, Stevie Nicks and Denzel Washington. I would be delighted to create that for you!

Please have a look at the following page: http://www.johannas-art.com/pricelist2003.htm. Here you will find a variety of choices in technique, number of subjects and size to choose from, as well as a lot of general information on how I work.

Please know that my current waiting list is about 6 to 8 months long.

If you have questions or would like to further discuss the portrait that
you have in mind, please do not hesitate to contact me anytime.

Thank you again for your message and kind words, Dignan!

Best wishes,
Johanna

I sent the following 2 e-mails to Dillard’s Department Store and Basha’s Grocery Store while watching Smokey and the Bandit II.

Hello. My name is Dignan. My son-in-law, Ricky, recently told me that Dom DeLuise has put out a cologne. I’ve been to your store at the mall near my house and nothing – and I couldn’t find it for no how on your web screen. Ricky told me the fragrance was called Opprobrium or Opprobius, something like that. I’d love to get it for myself for Father’s Day. Please help.

Dignan

Dear Dignan,

Thank you for your email.
We apologize, we do not carry the Dom DeLuise fragrance.

Thank you for choosing Dillard’s Direct.

Dear Mr. Basha,

Hopefully, you can forward this to your bakery department. I was just wondering if you make novelty cakes? My dad is a big fan of comedy, especially Dom DeLuise and I’m sure he’d love a funny cake for Father’s Day. I’m not very creative, but I know you’ve got some people working in your bakery that are. Please let me know. I love your store and am a long-time customer. Dignan.

No Response.

I sent this to some apartment complexes near where I live.

I am moving to the area soon and wondering if the “Courtesy Patrol” feature you list for your apartments is anything like the “Neighborhood Patrol – A Courtesy to our Neighbors” program at the complex I am currently living.

If so, I would like to participate upon my arrival. I almost completed ROTC training once, took the test to become a police officer (failed barely), and have taken several self-defense classes since. I feel I would be an asset to any courtesy patrol squad. Do you give out guns? I am self-taught, but I can handle one.

Until I can find a job, I will have a lot of time to volunteer to patrolling your property. Please inform me of any vacancies (one bedroom) and any enrollment procedures for your “Courtesy Patrol” program.

Sincerely,
Dignan Clark

Hello Dignan,

Our courtesy partrol means that we have a night patrol security guard. They are on duty from around 10pm to 6am, walking the property and making sure no one is trespassing and vandelizing anything or
stealing anything. They patrol the whole complex including the underground parking. They are there for any kind of noise complaints
or any disturbances and also to keep an eye on things when everyone else is asleep. Im not sure what kind of program you had at your complex. anyway we have one bedrooms coming available now and in the future. You didnt say when you were looking to move in so i will just tell you the general prices right now. The one bedrooms range
between $850-975 with a $450 secutiy deposit and the application fee
is $30. If you would like some more info, give me a call xxx-282-1191
or you can just email me back.

thanks tara

I sent the following e-mail to a local news station after accidentally watching the local news one day.

Dear General Manager,

I tried to find the e-mail of news anchor Jon Du Pre because he looks like a man who can get things done, but I couldn’t. Hopefully, you’re the same type of man or can forward this to someone with real power and the cahones to use it.

I was flipping through all the local news channels yesterday and it occurred to me that everyone must be trying to corner the market on “news for imbeciles”. This was most apparent by the coverage of Channel 15 regarding the story of a boy who was locked in the closet by his parents for a few days. A “reporter” stood in one of the janitor’s closets of his studio to “demonstrate” what the child went through. Then he turned off the light. “I can barely see,” he said from behind the door.

I am not an expert on market share, demographics, the Nielsen’s, or utter stupidity, but I would think that if everyone else is catering to the latter, one channel could take aim for “people with an ounce of intelligence” and make a killing in the ratings. Necessarily, this might involve retiring such features as “Pump Patrol!” but I have a feeling there are a fair share of viewers who couldn’t care less that they can save a penny on gas by driving to a station across town. It might be hard to lure them away from Simpsons reruns at first, but it can’t be impossible.

Sincerely,

Dignan Clark

No Response.

I wanted to send this one to Richard Karn, the new host of Family Feud, but I couldn’t find his e-mail address for the life of me. If anyone has it, please send it to me. Instead, I sent it to the webmaster of this Home Improvement fan site, which is pretty funny in itself.

I’m sorry, but I could not find Richard’s e-mail address anywhere on the web. Could you please forward this to him? It is somewhat important.

Dear Richard Karn,

This e-mail should perhaps be directed to the producer of Family Feud, but after watching you for years on The Tim Allen Show, I think you are a man who knows how to get things done.

Family Feud is great and all, but there is one huge flaw in the game play. Whoever wins the triple-point round, because the points are tripled, invariably wins the game! This makes the first few rounds almost meaningless! Sometimes, this opens the door for a family who has done nothing in the first part of the game to get lucky in the final round and move on to the fast money round VERY undeservedly!

At times, I have found myself not even tuning in until halfway through the show because of this. I am not an expert on game show rules or the Nielsen’s, but it seems you would improve in the latter if you changed the former.

Also, maybe you should stop hugging people so much. It makes you look kind of… well, you know.

Sincerely,
Dignan Clark

Due to time constraints and the volume of mail received on this
account, I can’t personally respond to all messages sent.

This website is “frozen in time”, it remains very much as it was when Home Improvement aired its final episode, very little has changed or will be changed save for a little pruning from time to time.

If your mail was intended to reach one of the cast or producers of the show, you’ve written to the wrong address… I’m not them :-)

The letter then included a long list of frequently asked questions. The funniest part is “volume of mail”.

Finalmente, La Bella Vita!

Saturday, June 28th, 2003

I believe great movies, the ones loved in many nations, are usually just exceptional instances of escapism. There’s a reason family dramas set in Midwest households don’t make much money, and that’s because nobody wants to imagine themselves stuck in a house with their family, especially in Nebraska. People want to watch romances, comedies, and political thrillers, so they can pretend for a moment that they, themselves, are loved, funny, and smart. Of course, if asked honestly, most people would like their lives to most resemble a porno film. Myself, however, I am quick to point out that my second choice is not so typical- an Italian horror picture.

It’s not that I have a particular love for the language, or for that matter, even a comprehension of it. I had to pull the title of this essay off a container of gelato, which includes Italian phrases so diners can express the pleasure of their experience “authentically”. What I do have a particular love for is the genre’s sense of reality, and when I say genre, I’m referring to the two movies I’ve seen. My favorite was a thrilling combination of serial killers, boarding schools, a girl with the power to mind-control insects, a vengeful monkey, and the music of Iron Maiden brought together in one incoherent mess. If only the mess of my life could be so interesting.

To be fair, the plot elements of Italian horror films are not even the most important part of my premise. In fact, I would gladly forsake the good (an ape who would avenge my death), if I never had to face the bad (swimming in a pool of shit and body parts in the basement of a crazy governess). But the attitudes of these characters are something I wish I, and every person I know, would adopt forthwith. They react to news of everything with an accommodating air. Whether it be that dinner reservations have been delayed or that your roommate’s been found dead in the shower, it’s met with a concerned shrug and a trip to the pantry for a snack.

If the recovery time for witnessing a bizarre, ghastly death is two seconds, imagine what it would be for crashing your parents’ car, probably no more than one second. Then there’s breakups, bee stings, socially awkward meals, chronic illness, and the list goes on- who cares! Everything would be greeted with a nervous pause before a quick return to normal breathing patterns. Unfortunately, I know that this utopia is just another dream I will vicariously fulfill with mail-order rentals of movies with names, roughly translated, like Suspense-A-Rama in Bloodland. And as much as I would love for humanity to adopt the behaviors of the people in these films, I would also be happy if, at least just once, I could throw a mutant child into a lake of oil and set the whole damn thing on fire.

Ken’s Monkey of the Week

Saturday, June 28th, 2003

monkeyken

My name is Ken Bialobrzeski  and I like monkeys. This week’s monkey is the duck-billed platypus. In response to those who claim the platypus is a duck and not a monkey; you are wrong. I, too, was once fooled by the duckbill, but then I discovered that the platypus is actually a marsupial, just like monkeys because they used to be able to fly. My name is Ken Bialobrzeski  and I like monkeys.

If you’re wondering why I’m not Kevin, who usually writes this column, it’s because he’s a fraud and he claims to be the world’s number one fan of monkeys, an improvable statement if ever there ever was one. I know improvable statements when I hear them. Like the time I tried to prove to some dude talking trash that I did, in fact, know my ass from a hole in the ground and I ended up coining the term “shovelectomy”. I didn’t prove shit and Kevin has never even seen Project X, so in no way, shape, or form can he be the top monkey fan on the planet.

My name is Ken Bialobrzeski and I like monkeys.

3 New Giant Sand Albums

Saturday, June 28th, 2003

Giant Sand’s Official Bootleg Series and front man How Gelb’s Down Home series of releases swing open the gates to the junkyard in back- the doll heads, hub caps, and plastic chairs, all the things from the woodshop not smooth enough to sell; you know, where the gold is. These records are the dusty trunks with a little new magic happening inside. Though even Giant Sand’s proper albums, especially recently, have resembled a languid, Sunday musical cookout, their latest three make the informality official.

Infiltration of Dreams: Official Bootleg Series Vol. 4 – This is a live recording, until now, only available on an Italian imprint. It features two French-Indian ladies I first saw perform locally over a year ago. Both sat in the middle of stage, one occasionally playing the violin, both looking quite perplexed, singing only when they appeared to recognize a bit of song. I thought this was only because they were both new, but now it sounds unlikely. Their curiously offhand stage presence is still there, the entire concert’s mood equally and wonderfully loose-fitting. A great record for when you wish you had a bunch of friends who rehearsed great music in the garage beneath your apartment (If your friends are drones and it’s been years since you’ve had your own apartment, all the better).

Too Many Spare Parts in the Yard too Close at Hand: Official Bootleg Series Vol. 5. – As the title implies, this is an odds-n-ends collection, but the only thing that really differentiates it from a normal release are the old songs that bubble up with a new, gnarly clatter. That, and the lazy song names like “Goldfrapp Tribute” and “Tom Waits Tribute”. Still, the finished product may be their best in a few years, definitely more rousing than the last covers record.

Down Home 2002 – Howe Gelb has been playing his pianos a lot more, lately. Most of these songs, for instance, sound he like he’s just crawled out of a bed and sat down to pound out whatever’s left of last night’s dreams. Then, maybe, he goes into the kitchen to make some coffee and look for things that will double as instruments for some extra tracks. The lyrics, as usual, are a strange jumble of alliteration, half-meanings, and dry jokes. This post-modern garage-jazz can be trying at times, but still rewarding, especially the opening re-examination of one of Sand’s best tunes, “Spun”.

On a scale of junk shop discoveries, where a broken cassette player is a 1, and your grandmother’s long thought lost jewelry box is a 10… Infiltration of Dreams rates a pair of amazingly comfortable but mismatched rocking chairs, the numerical equivalent of a 8.1… Too Many Spare Parts in the Yard too Close at Hand rates a life size, ceramic Elvis, the numerical equivalent of a 7.5… and Down Home 2002 rates a kitschy, yellow lamp, the numerical equivalent of a 6.9.