The Best Man Speaks

These are the several versions of the speech I wrote as the best man for my friend Robert’s wedding. Six hasty glasses of wine prevents me from recalling what I actually said, only the evil eye his mom was giving me the entire time:

Robert  – married – I never thought I’d see the day.  Then again, I never thought I’d see him lose his virginity. And let’s just say, not only did I actually see him lose his virginity, I had a hand in it. And when I say, “I had a hand in it,” let’s just say I really mean it.… OK, if you didn’t like that joke people you’re really not going to like the rest, so… Congratulations to Robert and Kristen!

OR

First, I’d like to say thanks to Robert for making me the best man. Iroooonic, since I’m probably the worst man here tonight. Seriously, I’m depressed, bitter, and if I had the chance to meet most of you for more than 5 minutes, I’d probably hate you… OK, if you miserable fucks didn’t like that quote, joke, unquote, you’re really not going to like the rest, so… Congratulations to Robert and Kristen!

OR

When I think about Robert, I think about this time in high school we were going out one Friday night (probably to see a movie) and he joked to his mom that we were going “cruising for chicks”. According to mom, who for some reason was telling the story at the dinner table the next night, I responded with a facial expression that said, “What the hell?! Chicks?!” The inference, of course, was that I might be gay and, who knows, I might have been trying to swing Robert in that direction. Of course, as we can see tonight, looking at Robert and his beautiful bride, he is definitely not gay. And all the sex we had in college can be safely labeled as experimental… Zing! OK, if you didn’t like that joke people you’re really not going to like the rest, so… Congratulations to Robert and Kristen!

OR

When I moved to Arizona in 7^th grade I actually stole Robert’s best friend and we were enemies. In high school that guy started wearing eyeliner, so somehow Robert and I became friends. We played video games on Friday nights, had pathetic jobs, no girlfriends… then Robert got engaged last year and changed everything. Congratulations to Robert and Kristen!

OR

As long as I have known Robert, he has only had 3 loves: basketball, video games and sweaty men rubbing against each other.. I’m talking about professional wrestling, of course! I guess Kristin is now on the list, but I’m not sure where she falls. He is marrying her, and even though one night in college when we were drinking he went on for a while how he wished he could “marry video games” – I don’t even how that would work… I think this is a bit more serious, anyway. Besides, this is kind of the same thing… I know Kristin really “pushes his buttons”… get it?! Just like a video game controller or something! Ba-Bing!

OR

As long as I have known Robert, he has only had 3 loves: basketball, video games and sweaty men rubbing against each other.. I’m talking about professional wrestling, of course.  I guess Kristin is now on the list, but I’m not sure where she falls. He is marrying her, I remember the first night in college he ever drank he went on for a while how he wished he could “marry video games”, then this girl named Star took him into his bed and started yanking on his balls. The next morning he was like, “I don’t care who I marry, as long as she doesn’t yank on my balls – that fuckin’ hurt.” So… I guess we all know a little something about Kristin, and why it’s the stuff she doesn’t do, that makes her so special! [note to self: if that goes over badly, just stand up and say "Holy shit, dude, this isn't the latest draft! I cut all that inappropriate stuff out... the fact he watches professional wrestling is embarrassing... that ball-yanking material is still fuckin' gold though! [high five person sitting next me]“]

The Library Talks

These are some speeches I wrote for a friend who was speaking at an opening for a new library. They are meant to explain why we still need libraries in an age when we don’t need libraries.

The internet has everything  – that sounds great until you’ve been scarred for life because one your “friends” sent you a link for a quiche recipe that turned out to be a picture of something called a “lemon party”… I can tell by this person dry heaving in the front row someone knows what I’m talking about. Case closed. Thank you.

OR

The internet has everything… except for free books! Okay, okay, it has www.freebooks.com, but you have to sign up for credit cards or trial memberships to travel websites just to get one free book. And what about librarians? Most of the so-called “librarians” on the internet are just girls in various states of undress… but always wearing glasses! I’m guessing they don’t know much at all about the Dewey Decimal system… unless we’re talking about porn star Dewey Hardstone, and by “decimal” we’re meaning “lovemaking”, and by system we’re meaning “technique”… but we’re getting off track here! Let’s hear it for free books!

OR

The internet will never succeed because it relies on people’s own self-moderation – most people, if given the chance, would spend all day “surfing the world wide web” until they passed out with swollen eyes and involuntary twitches in their hand. On the other hand, who wants to spend all day in the library?! Not me, libraries suck! I mean… let’s hear it for libraries!

OR

If the internet were a library, it would probably be a 50-story building at least the size 4 football fields. That sounds great (if you like libraries) but consider this – people you haven’t seen since high school would be around every corner waiting to be your new friend, half of those friends would be spending “special time with their penis” while flipping through magazines filled with pictures of Jessica Alba, and you would probably get distracted for hours by cat pictures when you just wanted to know the conversion formula for pounds to kilograms … hell, you might even wander into a lemon party! Let’s hear it for (small) libraries!