Cinema of the North

I wrote this with a friend as a precursor for a new movie that was coming out which was set in Alaska. We framed it that way and used it to take a look back at many  previous movies filmed or set in the great North. All the Alaskan newspapers rejected it for some reason – both of them!

Movies are often an escape. So, here in my state of Alaska, we might be more likely than most to watch a movie set on the beach. Or during daylight. Or anywhere where the threat of being eaten by a bear is negligible. On the other hand, any opinions the rest of the country has about us are mostly shaped by films and Sarah Palin… we’ll focus on the movies in this article.  From the paranormal to the ordinary, they try and capture the unique beauty of our state with varying degrees of realization.

30 Days of Night or Vampires in Alaska – While this one makes effective use of its setting, it never reaches the claustrophobic tension of the ultimate “monster in the arctic” story, 1982’s The Thing (which was actually filmed here). In this case, the cold landscape’s main business is to symbolize the similarly unsympathetic and lifeless antagonists. What it lacks in suspense, it makes up for in decapitations and the startling amount of bright red, blood spattering the snow. The arterial gushers continue in the redundant sequel, and its equally redundant title, 30 Days of Night: Dark Days. Hardcore horror geeks will probably love both. For those who just appreciate the occasional scare and can stomach the carnage, the first is recommended. On a scale of 1 to 5, 30 Days of Night scores 3.5… frozen heads.

The Edge or Spoiled Rich Men in Alaska – While stars Alec Baldwin and Sir Anthony Hopkins have aged well, this movie has not. Baldwin plays a fatuous city dandy trapped in the woods. Hopkins plays an educated city billionaire trapped in the same woods. They must outlast the elements and each other (one suspects the other of wanting to murder him for his wife). Of course, they also must survive the bear – the bear, whose arrival is always signaled by creepy “serial killer music”.  Despite an impressive performance by the land itself (sweeping backdrops, exacting pitfalls, those hyper-intelligent man-killing bears) the whole thing comes off as a bit silly. On a scale of 1 to 5, The Edge scores 2… wasted signal flares.

Into the Wild or One Bad Roadtrip in Alaska – Based on the non-fiction book by Jon Krakaeur, Into the Wild follows recent college-graduate Christopher McCandless wandering across America in search of meaning and as many quirky characters he can find. He finally ends up in an abandoned bus perched on the outskirts of Fairbanks. How one feels about the movie will be largely influenced by what one thinks of Chris. Was he a spiritual investigator rebelling against the middle-class malaise of his parents to find truth in nature? Or was he just an idiot who’d read On The Road too many times? Regardless, there is plenty else to enjoy here.  The countryside is shot with both a magnificent luster and a persistent dustiness. The aching soundtrack, original compositions by Eddie Vedder, is quite worthy of the film’s tone. In the end, it seems Chris may have been a good-hearted but naïve kid who just didn’t want to grow up in a world where you have to grow up to survive. On a scale of 1 to 5, Into The Wild scores 3.5… hitchhiking thumbs up.

Insomnia or Sleepless in Alaska—Two L.A. detectives are sent to investigate the murder of a teen in the fictional Alaska town of Nightmute.  The cast is as star-studded as our state flag (Robin Williams, Hillary Swank, Al Pacino) but the plot of this thriller relies a little too heavily on some bizarre facets of the setting.  Instant fog! Tunnels that appear out of nowhere! Log roll! A town so empty no one notices someone firing a gun into a dead dog on Main Street! This is a town, incidentally, that must not have a grocery store since one roll of tinfoil taped to the windows might have alleviated a lot of the drama for the sleepless Al Pacino, who plays a famous detective growing more fatigued as the movie goes on.  So do the viewers.  There’s even a scene where he gets confused by the endless daylight and doesn’t realize it’s 10 p.m.  Yes, he can solve a murder mystery with nothing more than a torn photograph, and yet he has no idea what time it is. On a scale of 1 to 5, Insomnia earns 1… sleeping pill that could have solved all Pacino’s problems.

The Fourth Kind or Aliens in Alaska – Milla Jovovich made her name fighting the undead in the Resident Evil series.  Here, she takes on extraterrestrials in encounters of the fourth kind (that’s X-Files-speak for being abducted). In a jarring open scene, Jovovich looks into the camera and explains what character she will be playing and that much of the film uses authentic archival footage!  After a few minutes, it becomes clear that the sequence might as well have been used in her zombie oeuvre, where it would have been much more amusing and believable.  This movie suggests numerous people in the town of Nome, Alaska have been abducted and probed and possessed by something that speaks ancient, evil Sumerian. Nome, it seems, is an extremely hot spot for alien kidnapping, not to mention sheriff bumbling.  Dismissing the annoyance of the pseudo-reality segments for a moment, the movie is still dragged down by bad plotting, bad acting, and bad pacing. By the end, it is almost as if the audience has been treated to an hour-and-a-half long PSA for tourists to stay away from this town… but who is vacationing in Nome, anyway? On a scale of 1to 5, The Fourth Kind earns half… a demonic Martian.

Runaway Train or Runaway Train in Alaska – Many say the western is the genre that will not die. In reality, the out-of-control-vehicle genre is just as enduring. In the 70’s it was The Taking of Pelham One Two Three.  In the 80’s it was this movie. In the 90’s it was Money Train. Last year it was Unstoppable. That’s not even mentioning other forms of transportation (Speed) or the closely related genre, “criminal-takeover-of-a-vehicle” (Con Air).  Here, Jon Voight and Eric Roberts, both hamming it up as prisoners, one maniacal and one dim-witted, are on the run and a hop a train with no engineer.  The cinematography of the wilderness is oppressive as the convicts try to escape the despotic, crazy prison warden. Everything drags far too long, however, and lacks the snap of modern movies. It doesn’t lack another unfortunate staple of contemporary action flicks – the unwarranted inclusion of a female lead. Rebecca De Mornay shows up more than half way through the movie to do a whole lot of nothing. On a score of 1 to 5, Runaway Train scores 2.5… emergency brakes.

The Proposal or Rom-Com in Alaska – Sandra Bullock plays a bitchy publishing house exec who blackmails her assistant, Ryan Reynolds, into marrying her so she won’t be deported back to Canada.  But first they have to travel to his hometown of Sitka for his grandmother’s 90th birthday! Rolling Stone called The Proposal “a watery stew” of a movie, but it is really more like New England clam chowder, (which is where this was filmed by the way – in Massachusetts). It has all the good things about chowder like the steaming spoonfuls of potatoes, bacon, and garlic. Those would be the charming Sandra Bullock, Betty White, and Mary Steenburgen.  The clams? Well, there’s Ryan Reynolds – funny for the men and, at one point, naked for the ladies.  Biting down on disturbing specks of shell?  Those would be Oscar Nunez’s random appearances as a stripper with an unnerving accent.  They all come together to form a methodic romantic comedy – a couple goes from hating each other to falling in love. If one watches it with the same leniency  that comes with watching most Alaska movies (that is to say, putting up with the scenes of dog-snatching eagles and hacking at a log to make a canoe and become one with nature), it is quite enjoyable in spite of itself.  On a scale of 1 to 5, The Proposal scores 3… pleasurably guilty bonbons.

Alaska or Teen Adventure Twins in Alaska – Dirk Benedict’s plane goes down in the mountains. Somehow, he spent all those years as Templeton ‘Faceman’ Peck on the A-Team and never learned decent piloting skills. So his kids have to rescue him, and even they need help from a trusty polar bear cub to beat the odds. The odds include just about every stereotype possible of our great state: bad weather, canoes, native Indians, rapids, northern lights, panoramic country, and why not… Charlton Heston. He is a malevolent poacher, playing up the role so much he is essentially doing a parody of himself. That’s not say that any of the acting could be qualified as “good”. Both Thora Birch and Vincent Kartheiser went on to bigger and much better accomplishments in American Beauty and Mad Men, respectively.  The entire movie is pretty inane, but after all, it is a children’s movie that seems to have been marketed as an adventure flick. And as a children’s movie, one could do worse. One has to imagine if this debuted on Nickelodeon, it would have been more of a success and immediately been spun off into a series featuring the remarkable polar bear who helps new kids every week with their problems. On a scale of 1 to 5, Alaska scores 2.5… carnivorous sidekicks.

Snow Dogs or Misleading Facts in Alaska – This movie is so bad it was a relief when my modem shut down and the online rental stopped loading about 10 minutes into the movie. I felt guilty about being so happy since this was about the same time the Egypt government cut off all internet access to its protesting citizens, but they were clearly not being forced to watch this movie.  I was tempted to scrap this review, but the internet finally returned, and I hadn’t even seen any dogs yet.  Snow Dogs is a Disney movie, so I tried to pretend I was a seven year old boy who still liked burp humor and I hadn’t read Gary Paulsen’s lovely book Winterdance, which this movie was supposedly based on.  I’ll never again trust the phrase “based on.”  Winterdance is the story of a guy from Minnesota running the Iditarod. This movie is about a dentist (Cuba Gooding Junior) from Miami who falls for a bartender (Filipino Joanna Bacalso as an alleged Alaska Native). Then he learns he’s adopted and inherits his birth-mother’s sled dog team.  The only overlap with the book is a scene with sled dogs pulling an old car, but the movie adds a hilarious skunk… an animal we actually don’t have in Alaska.  The movie did get better, or at least cuter, when the huskies showed up, but it sends the dangerous message that the only danger a pack of sled dogs poses is ripping up jackets.  Children should know those dogs have been known to tear the hands off their owners.  Also, kids – it isn’t possible to outrun a brown bear. On a scale of 1 to 5, Snow Dogs scores half…  a lost skunk.

The Guardian or Rescue Team Alaska - The army has Stripes, the navy has Top Gun, the marine core has Full Metal Jacket, and The Coast Guard has The Guardian. Renowned rescue swimmer Ben Randall (Kevin Costner) mentors a troubled high schooler (Ashton Kutcher)… and both learn some lessons about life.  I’d like to be critical of a recruitment ad disguised as a film.  I’d like to tear apart this movie which was probably responsible for a lot of Coasties getting some action from adoring girlfriends, and as a result, a bunch of poor kids who have to move every 4 years.  But The Guardian was actually pretty good.  It was the most authentically Alaskan movie I’ve seen yet, partly filmed on the Coast Guard base in Kodiak. On the other hand, Ashton’s attraction to Costner was more convincing than the love story between him and Sela Ward. But that’s OK, because it was kind of nice to vicariously fall for Kevin Costner again twenty long years after Bull Durham.  The ending was cheesy, but not bad enough to negate the hope it instills for all the fishermen shipwrecked in the Bering Sea.  Not a lot of hope, but maybe just enough to keep someone from giving up.  On a scale of 1 to 5,  The Guardian scores 4… survival suits.

Salmonberries or Crapberries in Alaska – This movie is, thankfully, very hard to find. So this will just be a review of the trailer located on its Internet Movie Database page. It features a shirtless K.D. Lang. The camera circles her as she stands among the clouds and howls like a wolf.  Then she starts singing about walking through the snow without any shoes on. The movie is about an orphan teaming up with a German immigrant to discover their roots or something. Huh? On a scale of 1 to 5, the Salmonberries trailer scores 0… jars of jam.

Out Cold or The Screwball 80’s Come to Alaska – This is about a group of beer-happy dudes trying to save their beloved skiing mountain from being taken over a corporate shill (played by Lee Majors for some reason).  For some other reason apparent to only the writers, the romantic subplot is filled with references to Casablanca. Along the way there’s bouncing boobs, dumb jokes, and punk pop music playing over way too many skiing montages.  The most entertaining aspect of it all is playing the game of, “Hey, I recognize that guy from…” whatever much better TV show or movie he went on to act in (the list here includes The Office, Sex and the City, The Hangover, Bad Santa, and Anchorman). Naturally, the climax is a race down the mountain that saves the day… for reasons that, to put it kindly, again defy any sort of logic. On a scale of 1 to 5, Out Cold scores… an empty beer keg.

Mystery, Alaska or Mystery, Canada - Russell Crowe plays the sheriff of Mystery, Alaska, a hockey-loving village which hosts the New York Rangers after an article about the small town hockey team appears in Sports Illustrated.  The entire town of Mystery must have been built on a lake, because even in the summer people are skating along main street, skating in their yards, skating at night, skating in the morning… the only time they don’t skate is when they are sharpening their skates or watching other people skate. The thing is this: hockey isn’t really that popular in most of Alaska (though Levi Johnston’s hockey stick spread for Playgirl and Sarah Palin’s identification as a “hockey mom” helped further this inaccuracy).  Alaskans certainly do not have Canadian accents, say “godsakes,” or have mullets… at least not in the ratio presented here. Like all sports movies, this one ends with the big game. Unlike most sports movies, the good guys lose, but they’re heroes anyway. Then Little Richard and Mike Meyers show up!  Meyers was the perfect choice, as all jokes reference Canadian hockey trivia, Mike Meyers is Canadian, and the movie was filmed in Alberta.  The only bit of Alaska in this movie is the title. On a scale of 1 to 5, Mystery, Alaska scores 2… maple leaves, eh?

North to Alaska or The Duke of Alaska – Set in Nome but clearly filmed in California, North To Alaska is the story of gold miner, Sam McCord (played by John Wayne), who travels to Seattle to fetch his partner’s fiancé.  When Sam learns that she’s married to someone else, he brings a saloon girl named Angel back instead.  Naturally, they all fall for Angel. In the end the Duke wins the girl, though not before some claim jumping, shootouts, and bar fights. North to Alaska was filmed over 50 years ago, a time when entire novellas were written on movie posters. Here is it’s tagline: When Big Sam wanted somethin’ he got it—the best!  When he did somethin’, he did it big.  Like taming a woman the way you tame the land! Or fighting until the last man was down! Now Big Sam was set. He and the Seattle pleasure palace doll were on their way—to the top of the world! It sets up expectations for a pretty exciting adventure… which it largely delivers! And John Wayne is timeless.  It’s impossible not to hum along to the Johnny Horton’s catchy theme song and pretty hard not to enjoy this lighthearted western. On a scale of 1 to 5, North to Alaska scores 3.5… singing cowboys.

Review #1: Subway’s BBQ Pulled Pork

Some website out there is assessing the 100 best foods in Phoenix, Arizona, day by day.  It’s inspired me to begin my own 100 best food items I’ve found here in town. Except it probably won’t be limited to food, more like reviews of anything I encounter on a daily basis. And if I manage to do it every day, then that would be a minor miracle, an increase of my writing schedule by an exponent of hundreds.

For the first day, I’ll stick to food since I don’t want you giving the other website any traffic, especially when my item would rank among the top ten, anyway. It’s the new BBQ pork pulled sandwich from Subway! I imagine people in other parts of the country may be able to enjoy this, too. If it is only some sort of regional promotion then I would highly recommend making a trip.

To fully understand the historical lineage of this sandwich, we must travel back roughly 8 years to when Subway offered a shredded BBQ chicken sandwich. It was made from Lloyd’s meat – the most delicious chicken you can by in a small tub for less than 5 dollars at a grocery store. The loose meat swam in an ocean of bright red BBQ sauce – it was a challenge to hand-eat;  a fork and in some cases, a bowl, would have been more appropriate for the soup of black olives and green peppers (the best toppings if you were doing it right). This new hoagie does not have nearly as much sauce – it is squirted on. Sure, the pork is a perfect level of loose and chunky, but certainly would have been better had it been left to marinate.

Other than that minor imperfection, the sandwich is a total meat dream –  succulent and  flavorsome. Of course, you are bound to be wondering if, like everything else at Subway, it is a natural diarrhetic. The answer is, unfortunately, yes. Maybe even more so.  But once you get past that small inconvenience, it’s truly a great meal.

The Good   Nest ??

A haunted house touted as featuring “$250,000 of props and special effects” has got to be somewhat impressive, right? This is the inevitable question that most visitors would be asking themselves before forking over the admission price of $100 (or something in there), right? Based on the appearance of most people there, I would say they would more likely be asking when they might be eating next or how they will be getting to the mall on Saturday. But this is not a review of fat people or annoying teenagers – it is a review of the sights (and curious smells) of the biggest haunted house in Phoenix, The Nest.

My thoughts on haunted houses are largely this – they are pretty dumb. Walking through a hastily constructed maze filled with rubber gargoyles and overly-enthusiastic actor-zombies is not scary. The soundtrack pumped in of screams and lightning are usually more grating than frightening. Luckily, only one-third of The Nest follows this formula. It does try to add an extra dimension with a plot revealed on the website involving a retarded serial killer who has a brother named Otis – “Evil finds a new home” it tells us (Evil now lives just off the interstate south of Ahwatukee). Sadly, this story is not even referenced at the actual place as far as I could tell, leaving me to wonder if the web developers had any contact with the haunted house developers.

The first parts of the The Nest fare much better. After walking in through the main area of Rawhide, the faux wild west town where it is located, visitors walk into a large warehouse, where by the smell of it, usually contains the horses (and perhaps a colony of wet dogs). 3D glasses are given out for the first portion. Creepy clown walls and a sick-inducing bridge are the highlights. It is a definite treat for the eyes, but not very menacing.

The second part tries to correct this with a maze darkened to the point of blindness. People have to use only their sense of touch to make their way through (or their cell phones if they hate Halloween and want to ruin everyone’s fun). This would be a great area to hold hands with a first date and test your hand-holding compatibility. By hands, of course, I mean private parts. Just be sure to act confused and apologetic when he or she screams. While this area is a kick, it doesn’t even come close to fulfilling its potential. None of the walls are slimy, there is only one brief space where you have to contort to squeeze through, and no one jumps out at you. That would actually be effective here, unlike the final area, where the superfluity of idiots trying to startle you becomes tedious quickly.

I have only been to three haunted houses in the past ten years, and this was, by far, the best, even though I did not see anyone wet themselves (my thoughts on the implications of wetting yourself during Halloween can be found here). The key, I think, is to keep your expectations low and accept that the scariest thing will be… the ticket prices!

Reviews of Stuff I Bought on the Internet

Lavie Vitamin Dispeser: Put all your various pills in one BIG pill jar with several partitions so they won’t get mixed up… unless you shake it up real hard. Many see this as a con. I see it as an astonishing opportunity to try new combinations and experience some crazy mornings at work.

Air Therapy Key-Lime Aerosol: This stuff is amazing.  It Demolishes. To put it simply, it is like a key-lime tank defending the beaches of S**t Hill. The real S**t Hill is in Germany I believe, but there are also quite a few in my bathroom. I must warn against getting a little too aggressive and squeezing off a “pre-spray” into the toilet. If this stuff gets anywhere near the testicular area you will be very sad (in a way that burns).

Wood Vertical Letter Holder: I bought this to put my Netflix movies in because of the disorder stray Netflix envelopes will bring to a condo. It is pretty much perfect for said function. One could probably purchase this for 5 dollars at the nearest office store or mega-mart. Paying triple that, plus shipping, and waiting 1-3 weeks only to get one with a dented corner may seem to be an unnecessary hassle.  But THAT is the trade-off for locking yourself in the house for an extended amount of time and living like a shut-in… and well worth it, I think.

Coconut and lime Shampoo and Conditioner Samples: This stuff is amazing. It’s one of those things that I would to take to a deserted island, even if I could only bring 5 items. Even if the island already had coconuts and limes, which (let’s face facts) it probably would.

Game Show Moments Gone Bananas DVD: I was expecting some moments from game shows that were bananas. This is what I feel the title promised. I feel that most of the moments were far from bananas. Maybe one or two moments were bananas. The other moments were a little crazy, but not bananas. Save your money and get something like All-Star Family Feud Moments, which is certainly much more truthful in it’s title. General Hospital Vs. the Brady Bunch? That’s  bananas.

Netflix Reviews

Definitely, Maybe

3.0 Stars

If you loved the wacky used-book-based twist of Serendipity, then you’ll love this piece of crap!

0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

American Teen

4.0 Stars

A pretty good modern-doc. Back in my own school days, I was not even one of the “character types” portrayed here (though I most closely resembled the ultra popular, intelligent, star athlete!), but a handful of strong memories were stirred up by this film.

0 out of 10 people found this review helpful.

Live Free or Die Hard

1.0 Stars

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. It dies when the Mac guy is the best thing it has going for it.

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Heavy Metal Parking Lot

2.0 Stars

Entertaining video of a bunch of shirtless burnouts drinking light beer and yelling at the camera… but it is only ten minutes long! Shirtless burnouts are good for at least half an hour… way too short.

0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

Death Sentence

3.0 Stars

What rightfully should have been called “Kevin Bacon’s Death Wish VI”, this may be the most prescient parable about the Iraq war of our generation. Instead of hitting us over the head with didactic speeches or Hollywood-style bombast, it only relies on the brilliantly understated performance of a bald Kevin Bacon going crazy with a .357 Magnum.

0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

28 Weeks Later

2.0 Stars

This kept a couple cool things from the first one – the music, shaky cams, a creepy initial 5 minutes – but left many other things behind, including a general respect for the intelligence of the audience. This seems to be an emerging trend in zombie sequels that I believe should end immediately… and I know you Hollywood fat cats are reading this!

0 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

I Know Who Killed Me

1.0 Stars

This movie brilliantly combines the best elements of Showgirls, The Empire Strikes Back, The Parent Trap, and Hostel, along with plenty of Lynch-ian influences like blue motifs, themes of split identity, and owls. In fact, I am so fond of it, I kind of want to keep it to myself. You know how when a cool, local band breaks big, you lose a little of the connection you used to have with them? That’s how I feel about this movie… so I’m giving it one star in the hopes that no more people will see it, and I can love it more. That is the only reason I would ever give it one star.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Superbad

4.0 Stars

Judd Apatow’s brilliance in comedy seems to come from his ability capture the authenticity and awkwardness of youth which he perfected with Freaks and Geeks. That level is sometimes reached here, but over-the-top characters (like the cops) and situations (like everything the cops do) douse any sense of realism. It also makes me mad most of today’s kids who think this is the “funniest movie ever” are laughing AT the protagonists instead of relating to them… not that I do either… I was so much cooler than these nerds… whatever.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.Captivity

Captivity

1.0 Stars

Almost impossibly bad. It even looks like it was recorded on a camcorder. It is an especially bad recommendation for males – if you are accidentally aroused (because of Elisha Cuthbert or just a warm bowl of popcorn on your lap) you will feel disgusted with yourself on the off chance you were subconsciously responding to the torture scenes, or worse, the terrible film making. Save yourself from the shame and stay away.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Hostel: Part II

1.0 Stars

Do you know that 10-year-old kid in your neighborhood who fastens bottle rockets to stray cats and watches his coked-up mom through her bedroom keyhole while she copulates with a steady line of strangers? This is probably the movie he would make if he were given $30 million and allowed to drink 24 hours a day. Even if you have no soul and are looking for some graphically twisted and kinky torture porn, this is still a nonsensical, lame, rehash of the first one.

0 out of 17 people found this review helpful.

Deadly Friend

3.0 Stars

What can be said about this movie that has not already been said? Maybe that the abusive dad looks a little too much like Matt Frewer (Max Headroom) for comfort.

0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

Fido

4.0 Stars

Most movies presenting the possibility of “thinking” or domesticated undead (Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, etc.) mostly fall flat. This one, however, is a success. It basically takes the premise of Lassie and replaces the dog with the titular monster. It’s a zombie flick with heart… a heart that is eventually torn apart and eaten!

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Tipping the Velvet

4.0 Stars

I showed up for a young girl’s strange, homo-erotic journey in Victorian England. I stayed for the quirky look at love. Seriously.

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Care Bears: Fitness Fun

4.0 Stars

Many adults would probably dismiss this “cutesy” workout in favor of non-animated fare like “Denise Austen’s Boot Camp” or “Karen Voight’s Yoga Power”. On the contrary, it turns out Good Luck Bear may be one of the best pilates instructors working today. Sounds silly, but even Champ Bear (good at sports) admits to feeling the burn halfway through his routine! If you are looking for a more traditional adventure in the Kingdom of Caring, I would recommend “Care Bears: Adventures in Care-a-lot” or “Care Bears: Forest of Feelings”.

5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

Black Sheep

2.0 Stars

Attacking death-sheep turn out to be quite amusing, but the lack of invention and humor throughout prove to be this movie’s downfall. If you are looking for a refreshing absence of CGI in deference to old-school mutant gore, though, it’s definitely worth a look.

0 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

Black Book

3.0 Stars

A sweeping epic of love and betrayal during WWII inspired by the golden era of films… but also padded with gratuitous nudity, baths of human feces, bloody head shots, and an extra hour of unnecessary running time. Now you know why when I dream… I dream director Paul Verhoeven is my real father… and directing my life.

0 out of 12 people found this review helpful.

The Wind That Shakes the Barley

3.0 Stars

Based largely on the true story of early Irish resistance to the British occupation, this movie introduces the fantastical element of leprechaun-like creatures who teach the young freedom fighters the art of war and moonshining. The English army sends in battalions of orcs flying in huge zeppelins. The whole thing is shot in Gaelic with no subtitles, and I think the Cillian Murphy character’s main love interest is his sister. The film is kind of bizarre, to say the least, but recommended.

0 out of 22 people found this review helpful.

Old Joy

4.0 Stars

This beaucolic and meditative feature has all the things that turn most “people” away – themes of separation, friendship, and Oregon scenery, not to mention a serene performance by indie-god Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy. I would pound everyone of these “people’s” faces into the ground if I had the chance.

0 out of 11 people found this review helpful.

So I Married an Axe Murderer

5.0 Stars

I actually saw this in the theater and peed my pants. Don’t get me wrong, I usually pee myself in the theater because of a small bladder and an obsessive compulsion to not miss any part of a movie I’ve paid for. What I’m trying to say is, I thought it was very funny.

0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

Shooter

4.0 Stars

Easily one of the best action movies of the 1980′s. I have no idea why it took them over 17 years to finally release it.

0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

Outland

2.0 Stars

Possibly the worst DVD transfer I’ve ever seen. It looks like it was dubbed from a second-generation VHS tape, and I assume most people already have at least that good a version of Outland in their movie collection already. As for the actual movie, most people agree that the eye-popping seen in Total Recall is the apex of “death by exposure to the Martian atmosphere” scenes, but this gives it a good run for its money with at least two people exploding inside their space suits.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Zombie

3.0 Stars

Somewhat dated and featuring extremely uncharismatic leads, this movie has a couple things going for it… nudity and a zombie VS. shark encounter. Highly recommended.

0 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

Year of the Dog

4.0 Stars

Depressing. Funny. Life Affirming. Plus, the movie Babe plays a role in the plot. Though it may be a less than pivotal one… ONE EXTRA STAR!

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Vacancy

3.0 Stars

Suprisingly OK given it got a good review from the Maxim dude (c’mon guy, raise the bar a bit… stop reviewing movies based on the trailer). While Luke and Kate give decent performances, they still seem to be miscast. I would have liked to seen a more interesting pair like Val Kilmer and Abigail Breslin or maybe even Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri.

0 out of 12 people found this review helpful.

Black Snake Moan

3.0 Stars

Surely the gritty blues soundtrack and Christina Ricci chained in her underwear would be worth 3 stars alone… unfortunately, the movie fails to build upon this wonderful premise and, therefore, fails to score higher on my amazing star-o-meter!

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Goodbye, Newport…

Sure it may have seemed like the worst series finale ever. What other show could take questions already answered episodes ago that we never cared about anyway (Will Julie marry Bullit? Will Summer join Greenpeace? Does Ryan love Taylor?) and then somehow flash forward 6 months where those same questions all had to be answered again? Yes, it was ridiculous, but how many finales have Kevin Sorbo, of Hercules fame, literally running around all over the place (besides maybe the Hercules finale)? I rest my case.

Besides, the final montage of past events managed to sum up the experience of growing up for all of us, whether we lived in the O.C. or not. I mean, things never turn out exactly the way you planned. Still, like Mr. Cohen says, “Traffic’s traffic, you go where life takes you” and growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you’re in diapers, the next you’re gone, but the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. You remember a time a place, a particular Fourth of July, the things that happened in a decade of war and change. You remember a house like a lot of houses, a yard like a lot of yards, on a street like a lot of other streets. You remember how hard it was growing up among people and places you loved. Most of all, you remember how hard it was to leave. And the thing is, after all these years you still look back in wonder…

The Grand Fuji Buffet

I recently went to the grand opening of an all-you-can-eat sushi and Chinese buffet named Fuji. My definition of a good buffet is one where you can make it all the way home without stopping at a bathroom somewhere. I still have not found a good buffet in this town.

Silent Hill Street Blues

Comparing any two movies based on video games is kind of like comparing the two great polar metal epics of the late 80’s – Iron Maiden’s “Stranger in a Strange Land” (about a caveman waking up after centuries frozen in a glacier) and Metallica’s “Trapped Under Ice” (about slowly drowning under a sheet of ice). They are both equal, except that the songs are equally awesome, while any two movies based on video games are equally crappy. Silent Hill will do nothing to invalidate this equation. The only thing these types of movies have going for them is that they can try to write their horrible computer effects off as an “homage” to their origins. But as usual, as in this case, they quickly become a reminder of where only source material this lame could possibly come from. Positively, the one place that Silent Hill differentiates itself is that if you think about it for a little while (not recommended), it almost makes sense. Most people who rent this are probably just looking to get their Bean on (Sean plays the dad) and he’s barely in it, anyway.

Patio Reviews

After looking around my new apartment complex, it seemed quite obvious to me that many people have no idea what patio space is meant for. And while there are plenty of sources for critical analysis of movies, digital cameras, or even interior decorating, there are not a lot of paid professionals ridiculing people who put a bench press on their porch. This is too bad – maybe it would happen less if there were. So I’ve decided to try. The first part of this effort involved taking pictures with my camera often pointed into someone’s apartment. Only one person stopped me so I told him I was writing a college paper on “The Application and Consequence of the Modern Patio.” He seemed confused just long enough for me to turn the corner and start walking faster. News flash buddy: I’m making fun of your shit on the internet!

These people somehow found reason to cram an umbrella under a roof, accordingly thumbing their nose at both tidiness and utility. Plus, there is the ubiquitous mountain bike – completely unoriginal. Grade: F

One has to admire the obstinance of this resident in refusing to rent a storage unit. And while it seems to provide a terrific gambling opportunity with anyone willing to wager on when it will get cleaned up, it ultimately is just a bet as to when the tenant will move out. The metal security-door could at least have been propped up over the door to the small storeroom on the left, which I’m sure is probably empty. Grade: F

I can’t be sure but I think that is a midget outhouse. After observing the apartment for a few days, I never saw an actual midget, leaving me to conclude it is some sort of bizarre joke. While I appreciate the effort at democratic surrealism, it ultimately fails because of the uninspired exploitation of dwarves. Grade: F

We have a fully equipped workout room at this complex. Even so, this tenant has reduced the walk from his living room to the nearest bench press from 30 seconds to one second. Plus he is free to wear a headband and knee-high athletic socks, which I personally find get a lot of resentful stares from people in the gym. Still… we have a fully equipped workout room at this complex. Grade: F

This patio doesn’t have any furniture, only a guy who is always out there talking on a phone with his shirt off. Inexplicably, he never gets a tan. Every apartment building has a patio like this. Sometimes the guys are fat and sometimes the phone is replaced by a cigarette. Sometimes, you will even meet the guy when he knocks on your door to tell you he is a registered sex offender. Grade: F

What can be said about a patio with a fabric couch and a zebra-style carpet? Only this: if there were a bunch of white plastic chairs and a grill in the living room, it would be a respectable mind blow. I checked and this is not the case. Grade: White Trash

I have a friend who hangs her laundry from the shower rod. If a guest has to “break sea-level” in the toilet, she’ll make them carry the clothing, piece by piece, to her closet. I think this is perfectly reasonable, yet it has the potential for a real mood-killing shame-walk for a first date who unwittingly ordered the spicy chutney. Anyway, this patio has very boring clothes. Grade: F

As far as the fertile terrace goes, both these have serious flaws. One (left) has too much jungle-themed flora, making me and my fern feel inadequate. The other (right) is completely under-planted, to say the least. What is that thing on the far right, anyway? Is someone trying to grow marijuana or build a model of a pirate ship or what? I really don’t know. Grade for both: F

How do two separate apartments have patios with the same wind chime? I secretly hope that one person rented both, knocked a hole in the wall, and uses one apartment entirely for wrestling… or cheese. It is more likely that the occupants are just friends and also sharing cable. I have to pay full price for cable. Grade: F

Classic. Simple. Elegant. Placing wicker chairs next to a wrought-iron beer table is inspired, both a nod to neo-rustic deco and traditional styles. Grade: A

*live tours available upon request

Spring Break Shark Attack Live Review

This is an archived copy of the Spring Break Shark Attack live review which streamed in real time while it aired. It is hard to believe such a great concept – The O.C’s Shannon Lucio and some other teenagers face an army of sharks – turned out so badly. That being said, as far as great ideas which go horribly wrong, it was second to my own personal decision this spring break to make money to pay my lawyer by playing high stakes poker. This choice eventually led to me being miserable enough to watch Spring Break Shark Attack.

8:00 – Five trophy wives are eaten by an unseen, underwater menace. I think it was a shark.

8:02 – Shannon’s dad won’t let her go to spring break because of all the Jello wrestling and sex. We are informed by the opening credits this movie is produced by someone named Peter Sadowski.

8:04 – The first montage of bikinis and lotioning is immediately followed by the first great line of dialogue – “You are pale even for a white girl!”.

8:10 – Guy Hero, who I think used to be on 7th Heaven, is introduced. He is smart and sensitive and depressed about college, but his mom encourages him to “go meet a girl” even though he is wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt.

8:15 – Two creepy dudes with a video camera walk around telling girls they are with “Girls Unleashed”. This reminds me of the time me and my friend went to Lake Havasu for spring break but somehow ended up there a week early. All he had was a still camera, and we only came away with this photo, which we always preface by rubbing our stomachs and saying, “We went to Lake Havasu and all we got was some terrible gas!”

8:19 – Guy Hero and Shannon dance awkwardly to a slow song at a raging kegger. His new flannel shirt has sleeves and I have to admit, I really like his haircut.

8:24 – Two teenagers are eaten by a shark in a marina which somehow produces a geyser of blood shooting out of the water, not to mention the first commercial break. Snuff Toll: 7

8:31 – It turns out Shannon’s pasty-faced brother is a nerdy shark scientist who works near the beach and says things like, “I don’t know what the question is, but the answer is sharks!”. He warns her about a reef he just discovered that could be home to the Tiger Shark which can “smell blood and has no fear”. I will coin this moment as the “The Moment the Second Great Line of Dialogue Occurs”.

8:32 – The first fake attack of the movie occurs when some girl’s boyfriend playfully pulls her under the water, alarming everyone on the beach and every viewer for a few nerve-racking seconds.

8:44 – Shannon gets slipped a roofie by a serial date rapist. I haven’t seen a shark for about twenty minutes and it hits me that more people will see this than Open Water, the good shark flick I saw a few days ago. I am sad.

8:53 – I wake up after falling asleep to find a scene of Shannon getting molested intercut with two teenagers being shark-yanked off a dock by their feet. Subtle. Snuff Toll: 9

8:58 – Dad shows up but it’s too late. Shannon is getting on that tour boat no matter what! As they stop the boat to swim Guy Hero eats apple slices off a knife… roofie rapist jumps in the water… second fake attack happens when he pulls a girl down by her feet… getting nervous… blood appears in the water out of nowhere… Sharks!

9:03 – The commercial immediately after Guy Hero yells, “Sharks!” is a Gap commercial with a jingle that refrains, “Shorts!”. I keep thinking they’re singing, “Sharks!”. Because I’m not looking at the TV, I think the movie is still going on and just became awesome. It’s not and it didn’t.

9:08 – Shannon wins the race back to the boat. Unfortunately, sharks ram the boat until it can only make it to the nearby island of a mad scientist (I’m guessing), where Shannon finds a near-full packet of Rohypnol (or maybe Sudafed) in Rape Guy’s bag. Who is the real enemy? Subtle.

9:15 – I finish downloading the Sex Pistols box set from the Internet. I’m sampling a demo of “God Save the Queen” so I nearly miss the nerdy brother look at a mutilated sea turtle and say something that ends with, “…inescapable conclusion – Sharks!”

9:25 – The dead body of her friend’s boyfriend is found on the shore of Blood Island by Shannon. I assume he was one of the guys killed earlier in the marina. I can’t help but think of the movie Tremors and it’s underground worms. In the sequels, the worms learned to walk and eventually fly. I am starting to hope something similar happens here so the local news can start 30 minutes early.

9:36 – Finally, after years of sharks on film only attacking by themselves or with a few others, they finally get their shit together and storm Spring Break Beach in a herd. Because of the geysers and generally bad camera work, I am left to speculate how many people actually die. Snuff Total: 1,981.

9:40 – Shannon, Hero Guy, and the nerdy brother lure every shark away by tying a cage full of shark food to the back of their boat and speeding away.

9:41 – Bryan Brown, who is apparently in this movie, stands on the beach amid the smoke and triage tents and says, “This wasn’t supposed to happen. It’s all wrong.” Though never really explained, he was evidently dumping chum in the water to attract sharks and scare tourists back to a beach where he owns resorts. I think he is just having a Vietnam flashback.

9:50 – Shannon’s boat is going down so the nerdy brother pulls out his latest invention – Tiger Shark-repelling electrical balls. Though Hero Guy shoots himself in the shoulder with a spear gun and Shannon has to swim into the shark swarm to fix one of the pods, the sharks are eventually driven away in the direction of what looks to me like Mexico.

9:58 – Hero Guy and Shannon enjoy the sunset and decide to spend next spring break together… in Cancun! Although, Spring Break Shark Attack 2: Cancun would be great I kind of hope they push it into production a little sooner – maybe a Memorial Day Shark Attack. Are you listening Sadowski?