Crock Rockin’ Beets: French-Berry Turkey Breast

Ingredients:

1 Turkey Breast – I recommend getting one of these at least 6 days after Thanksgiving. They will be really cheap and mostly thawed out anyway from being moved around from the front of the store to the middle to the back.

1 Pack of Onion Soup Mix – Most similar recipes on the internet will recommend this. But if you skim over the specificity of this ingredient, go ahead and buy any box with the word “Onion” on it. I ended up with a box of French Onion Broth and it tasted great.

2 Cans of Cranberry Sauce – Up to 10 if you really like the taste of cranberries.

1 Bottle of Hopeful Saffron – Not just any saffron will do. It has to be the kind your friend sends you because it cures depression, surely much more effective then Prozac, Effexor, or Lexapro could ever be. The touch of tartness and naiveté this adds to the dish is essential.

2 Tablespoons of Other Herbs In Your Cabinet – I used garlic powder and sea salt.

1 Pound of Beets

Directions: Put the turkey into the crock pot. If it is a bit too large, just smash it in there with a cooking hammer (the same as a normal hammer). In a separate bowl mix all the other ingredients (unless you got the broth) and then rub it all over the turkey real good. Dump the rest of your baste in the pot. If you ended up buying the broth, or maybe even onion fig sauce, pour it in there. Cook on high for 2 hours and then on low for an additional 7.  Enjoy!

Notice, the beets are optional. I only include them in all my recipes so the clever title of these columns make sense – and the eventual name of the book as well, Crock Rockin’ Beets: 102 Recipes to Improve Your Health with a Crock Pot and Beets. The first 100 are not posted here – you’ll have to buy the book.

www.lovecrumb.org

“Drunk Registering” – it is a bit like drunk dialing, but instead of calling people and saying you love them, you register a  domain name and tell it you love it so much and you will never let it go. If you’re drunk for a long time, you actually make a website for your precious new domain. This may have been what happened with www.lovecrumb.org, a tribute to crumb donuts. UPDATE: Now Offline. Sorry.

Little Icecube News Drinks: The Bloody Nathan

1/3 Part Club Soda
1/3 Part Lingonberry Concentrate (available from IKEA)
1/3 Part Vodka
Add Crushed Ice

Most of the time, when I tell people about my signature drink and basketball nickname, The Dirty Nathan, the look of disgust on their face escalates until I am done, and then they begin to ask how I could drink something so disgusting. That’s usually when I tell them about my alternative signature drink and nickname in college I got from an incident in the dorm bathroom… that usually shuts them up.

Crock Rockin’ Beets: Cran-Tard Pork

Let me first thank my friend who got me a crock pot as a housewarming present, along with four plastic freezer mugs that have little footballs on the side (great for Sundays!). While I’m thankful for everyone’s generosity, some would say the pot looks even better when compared to other gifts: a free book on mortgages from someone’s work, someone’s rear-view window ornament, and a DVD someone accidentally bought for themselves without knowing a better, special edition existed. Here’s the recipe for Nathan’s Cran-Tard Pork:

1-16oz Can of Cranberry Sauce
4 Tbs. Dijon Mustard
3 Tbs. Fresh Lemon Juice
3 Tbs. Brown Sugar
3 Pork Tenderloins
1 Lb. Beets

Notice, the beets are optional. I only include them in all my recipes so the clever title of these columns make sense – and the eventual name of the book as well, Crock Rockin’ Beets: 101 Recipes to Improve Your Health with a Crock Pot and Beets. Anyway, take all the ingredients above and mix them with a wooden spoon. When you are done, it should look like three alien slugs from the 1986 movie Night of the Creeps soaking in a vat of fetal liquid.

After ten hours of cooking on low, it should look even worse, but will taste amazing – a marinated, loose-meat heaven.

Little Icecube News Drinks: The Dirty Nathan

1/2 Part Diet Vanilla Pepsi
1/2 Part Milk
Add Vodka to Taste

Stir and add little icecubes for coldness. Warning: If you like drinks that give you signals to “slow down” or “stop” because you are drinking too much of them, this is not for you. A Dirty Nathan will sneak up behind you. It may also give you superhuman strength, though, as I have recently discovered there is a chance you will wake up in bed with a toilet handle clutched in one hand. Also, some people have warned if you like drinks that “taste good” this may not be for you.