Nathan the Mover

Every two months or so I get an e-mail for someone with my name, and from what I can judge about the inquiries, he is apparently a furniture mover in California. Whatever business card or napkin he accidentally put my e-mail address on – he has not made much effort to correct it. I’ve held my tongue even though I’m sure, somewhere out there, he thinks he’s better than me just because he can maneuver a right-hand turn in something larger than a Toyota Tacoma. The latest e-mail was from someone giving rates for vans and the required insurance to rent them. No one tells me what insurance I need (besides my state government), and I was bored at work, so I was forced to respond:

Dear Sydney “Penske” Larson,

First off, I don’t remember talking to you, but that is not necessarily unusual, so I’m sure it was a nice conversation, and I appreciate you getting back to me with some info it seems I may have asked for.

The way it looks, I would not mind renting several vans from you for many years. Do you not have yearly rates or 5-year rates? Is there any charge for removing any carpeting I might install?

I do have some concerns about the insurance requirements. I, of course, do not have any insurance at all, much less a “minimum combined single limit of $1,000,000 for tractors and $750,000 for straight trucks”. How do I go about getting something like this? Are
there driving tests involved or do I also need an official license? That could be somewhat of a problem – let’s just say I ran someone over once… but at least one of us was drunk! Ha, ha, jk – it was only him (wink, wink). No really, I’m joking, you would have to be crazy to rent vans to someone who admitted to alcoholism.

Sincerely,
Nathan

To my surprise he actually wrote back and informed me that “legally, you do need an official license to drive the vehicle, as you would need driving any other motorized automobile/truck on CA road’s and highways”.

Hey Penske,

Hmmm, it seems we may be getting closer to an oral agreement (I, of course, will not “do written contracts” as I have had my fair share of hassles with those in the past). The carpet could be a deal breaker, but I could probably rip it out myself. And while I assume you do a standard inspection of the vehicles upon my return of them, I must insist a forensic-style black light NOT be used.

I did not realize you came by my facility… I’m a little creeped out. Did we meet? Also, I’m suprised you would assume I have insurance on the vehicles parked in the lot, or that they are even mine. You know what they say you do when you “assume” – you make a real asshole out of yourself. It’s all good, though, because I have plenty of insurance. I am not sure if I have a “certificate”, so I will need you to send me (via postal mail) a certificate just exactly the way you need it except for the name part empty – just so I can see EXACTLY what you are looking for – then I can go through my filing system and find it. Sometimes, dealing with all this beuracratic mumbo-jumbo so the feds can have their goddamn paperwork can be such a hassle. This next part is a joke because my brother told me once its illegal to talk shit against the government over e-mail, but sometimes it makes me want to fire bomb a DMV.

Unfortunately, as you probably know, it seems the only legal way to protest our government is not to file taxes.

Sorry, I am going off on a tangent. Talk to you soon, Syd!

Nathan

Well, he wrote back again informing me that “standard procedure for all rentals require a ‘rental agreement contract’ (his quotes). I wish you the best of luck with your business.”

Syd,

Why does this always happen to me?!

Sincerely,
Nathan

A Letter From Nathan

To whom it may concern,

I recently stayed at your establishment, the Moore Hotel, for three nights. I chose it because it was right next to the Moore Theatre, and I was going to see a couple of concerts there- Gillian Welch and Jim James. Maybe you’ve heard of them? I doubt it, since their fans tend to wear cool shirts, and that was not in evidence where any of your desk clerks were concerned.

Regardless, I don’t really care what kind of music you guys like, even if it includes that new album by Ben Folds and William Shatner (yikes!). But I really wish you would have told me when I made reservations that you didn’t have any heat. Even this oversight wouldn’t have been so bad if my bathroom window wasn’t broken. Every time I had to use the restroom in the middle of the night, it felt like I was stepping outside. In Arizona (where I’m from), I actually do this regularly and enjoy the stars. But in Seattle (where I was visiting), it felt like my feet, hands, and genitals were going to freeze immediately.

Another complaint – I requested a wake up call at 6 am on my last morning there. I was awakened at 9 am by my friend frantically knocking at my door screaming, “You’re going to miss your flight!”. All I could think was, “But I have to keep my genitals warm!” before I completely woke and realized she was right. In explaining the lack of a phone call, the desk clerk informed me that “my phone must not be working”. No shit?

I fully expected to miss my flight since my driver’s license has a faded picture and I’m usually forced to go through the full security screening with all the Koreans and people with a European name. Fortunately, the person who checked my boarding pass and ID was fairly incompetent and waved me through with less than 5 minutes to spare. I don’t think the woman sitting next to me on the flight appreciated it, though. By her facial expression, she was either extremely displeased with her complimentary scone or could tell I didn’t have time to shower.

Because of your convenient location, affordable prices, and the fact I could see the TV while taking a shower, I will definitely stay with you again if I ever return to Seattle. Still, I just had to share with you my negative experience in hopes that you will fix the goddamn window in room 600.

Sincerely,

Nathan Fuller

Hello Nathan,

I am very sorry for the experience you had at The Moore. It was & never is our intention for our guests to have an unpleasant stay. We did experience our heating system going down on Monday Oct 4th. I apologize for not having mentioned that fact when you checked in.

As far as the window is concerned…. you are right… you paid for a room that should have had unbroken windows.

I would need to look into the telephone problem but as long as it was programed it always rings the room. So either the clerk did not program it or it ran but did not get ansewered. Either way there was an issue.

So…. to make the situation “right” I can credit your acct the amount you paid for the room, or I can comp your next
stay up to 2 days (not room 600) plus I will throw in 2 tics (row H….dead center)..(provided it is a reserved show)
to any up coming Moore Theatre show. (with the exception of anything Disney produces).

Sincerely,

Mike

Reader Mailbag

You are really an ass. I guess the freedom of speach is working or ou wouldnt be. I know you have the right to say whatever you like but it seems to me that if you don’t know what or who, you are talking about you shouldn’t say anything.

I am talking about what you wrote about John Ritter. My Dad always told me that if you haven’t got anything nice to say don’t say anything. Enough Said!

Anonymous

Ed. Reply: Thank you for contacting LittleCubeNews. I appreciate the fact you don’t think I’d be “working” without freedom of speech. That seems to imply I’m getting paid for this. It’s really quite flattering. Unfortunately, thousands of readers a month and the occasional e-mail like yours is the only reward for my “work”.

I’m sorry you’re upset I didn’t mention “Problem Child” or the informational video “The Joys of Natural Birth” in my John Ritter eulogy. It was an oversight. I hope you can forgive the omission and visit LittleCubeNews in the future.

Sincerely,
The Editor

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Thank you for advertising with Google AdWords. After reviewing your account, I have found that your site does not meet our guidelines. The results are outlined in the report below.

At this time, Google policy does not permit the advertisement of “Hate” websites that contain “language that advocates against an individual, group, or organization (McDonald’s)”. As noted in our advertising terms and conditions, we reserve the right to exercise editorial discretion when it comes to the advertising we accept on our site.

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Ed. Reply: Thank you for policing the content of my website. After review, it seems that I may have, indeed, accidentally expressed an opinion. And it may have even been critical towards McDonalds. God forbid. Combine those dangerous opinions with a few inflammatory facts (taken from one of those notoriously unreliable NY Times bestsellers no less, Fast Food Nation) and I can see why my ad should have been “suspended”. If just one of the ten people who read my site decided not to buy a McGriddle sandwich, then that is economic injury to an American business I am responsible for! I hope one of the minimum wage workers they shuffle in for 10 hours a week does not get fired because McD’s can’t afford to pay him. Then again, it is likely that worker would have been shot in a robbery. Maybe I saved a life! Oh, who am I kidding- probably not.

Even if McDonald’s is indirectly responsible, oh hell, let’s just say directly responsible for the death, pain, suffering, undermining, and crippling of people, animals, and free-market economies, that is no reason for me to go off on the McGriddle! I have never even had one. I am only reticent to go in and buy one because gallons of blood on the floor make me squeamish, even the metaphorical kind.

I guess Thomas Friedman, who is usually right about nothing, was dead-on when he asked if Google was God in a recent op/ed. I apologize to you and the trouble I have caused for the people who review ad content. But since a person who reviews the ad content for appropriateness actually took the trouble to click through it and read the site, my total number of readers is now 11. Thanks.

While I work on changing the content of my site, I temporarily changed the ad to read “We love the McGriddle. Read why while you still can.” The only problem I have is that my regretful piece about the McGriddle was part of a column urging people to “resist things”. So what do I put there, now? In light of this recent experience, I am thinking about going after Amnesty International. I assume there would be no problem with that? Until then, I will continue to look to Google ads for principled advertisers, especially when searching for “ass fisting” and “used condoms”, which brings up 17 paid advertisers alone.

Letters From Dignan

I sent the following to the makers of Mr. Clean cleaning products. To Whom it May Concern: My name is Dignan Clark and I am starting up a moving company in Newport called Mr. Zero Moving. If you’re wondering, it is taken from the movie “When Harry Met Sally…” during the scene where Harry tells Bruno Kirby that the mover who knew his wife was leaving him before he did was wearing a t-shirt that said “Don’t F*** With Mr. Zero.” Don’t worry, we are going to wear uniforms! Anyway, I sort of used the Mr. Clean logo to make my own. I totally changed it, but my wife said I should run it by you guys first because she read that Spike Lee is suing TNN for trying use Spike TV. I told her I am not starting Mr. Clean Moving and I totally changed the logo. Still, she said I better do it. My logo is the second one. Yours is the first one. See, I totally changed it. Sincerely, Dignan Clark Dear Mr. Clark, The Mr. Clean logo and Mr. Clean man design are registered trademarks of The Procter and Gamble Company of Cincinnati, Ohio. You must submit all uses for the trademark to P&G in Cincinnati. In its current form, it would seem that your logo is an infringement on the existing trademark. Mr. Clean Cleaning Tools are a licensed product of Butler Home Products LLC. This came a little later. Thanks for contacting us, Dignan. I appreciate your interest in using our Mr. Clean logo, but I’ve checked with our Mr. Clean contacts and we’re unable to give you permission to use our trademark because of the legal issues involved. I wish you much success in your new business. Mary Lynn USA Mr. Clean Team

I found this site where some lady will paint you and Stevie Nicks for money. Just take a look HERE. Naturally, I wanted a piece of art to call my own. Dear Johanna, Finding your site was amazing. I have been a fan of Stevie ever since “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.” I was wondering if you could do a picture of Stevie with Denzel Washington and my dog, Barracuda (he’s a sweetheart, I named him after a Stevie song). Denzel is my favorite actor and it would be great if Denzel (with his Training Day costume on) had his hand on Stevie’s shoulder even if maybe she looked a little uncomfortable because they just met or something and Denzel had his other hand petting Barracuda. You could put a unicorn or a moon in the background just like some of your others. I’ve tried to do this myself, but it doesn’t look good enough to hang on the wall. Here’s a couple of pictures of my dog and Denzel to give you an idea. I’d like something around 20 x 30 inches and in color. Thank you, Dignan Clark Dear Dignan, Thank you very much for your kind interest in my work and your fantasy portrait price list request in regards to a portrait of your dog Barracuda, Stevie Nicks and Denzel Washington. I would be delighted to create that for you! Please have a look at the following page: http://www.johannas-art.com/pricelist2003.htm. Here you will find a variety of choices in technique, number of subjects and size to choose from, as well as a lot of general information on how I work. Please know that my current waiting list is about 6 to 8 months long. If you have questions or would like to further discuss the portrait that you have in mind, please do not hesitate to contact me anytime. Thank you again for your message and kind words, Dignan! Best wishes, Johanna

Mailbag

I always wondered how open letters worked: If the person it was written to was just supposed to find it, or if was sent to him. Now I know. Or you’re just a really polite open letter writer. Either way, I enjoyed it. And the site, which was new to me.

Thanks,
Joel

Ed. Note: Joel Stein is responding to an open letter written for him in issue 4. He is a writer for Time and Entertainment Weekly. He is also one of the talking heads on VH1′s “I Love the80′s”. Less impressively, he can currently be seen hosting Reel Comedy: Dumb & Dumberer on Comedy Central. More impressively, he makes fun of the stars, Derek and Eric, in his latest EW column.

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Let’s face it, your comment about those “crazy ass riggers” in your “retro review” of the movie Armageddon was a little too close to another word that chaps my black hide. There was actually only one – Michael Clark Duncan. He had to be crazy to go into outer space to dump a nuclear weapon into an asteroid, because let’s just face it, black people don’t do that shit.

The director (and writer for that matter) only let the true image of the black man show through once when they portrayed him as a sexual beast who danced on an examination table in cheetah bikini underwear. “Mmm, mmm, good”, I am sure the audience was saying, “even in the face of death, he still wants to shake his money-maker and give the public a glimpse of exactly why once you go black, you never go back”.

Still unrealistic? Yes, because if it was real, he would have run off to join a black male, stripper revue featured on Real Sex 21 and been the last person on Earth to board a space ship and fly to his most likely death. Black people boarding a space craft of any kind is an innately avoided adventure (see: Star Trek, et. all). While I commend your efforts in trying to bring forth what you believe is the meat of the story line, let’s keep it real. It was yet another story of The Man tryin’ to keep a brotha down.

Keepin’ It Real in AZ.

Ed. Note: We stand by our review that Armageddon is terrible for many reasons not limited to it’s portrayal of African-Americans.

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Thank you for advertising with Google AdWords. Our goal is to help you create high-impact advertising that reaches your target audience and maximizes your investment. In order to ensure advertiser success, our
AdWords Specialists review each ad and keyword for compliance with our Editorial Guidelines. We disable keywords and temporarily suspend ads that don’t meet our guidelines.

After reviewing your account, I have found that one or more of your ads or keywords does not meet our guidelines. These results are outlined below:

AD TEXT:

Little Cube News -
We know what the fuckin’ score is!

ISSUES WE DISCOVERD:

Unacceptable Phrases: Your ad text cannot contain universal offensive phrases or words that could apply to any ad, regardless of content.

Your ad has been suspended, please edit it based on our suggestions,
and then save your changes to automatically resubmit the ad for review.

Sincerely,

The Google AdWords Team

Ed. Note: We submitted “Little Cube News – Sports Scores and Shit” but the humor was lost on “The Google AdWords Team” as they sent us another message similar to the one above. We finally went with “Little Cube News – Words manually sorted in patterns proven to elicit laugh cycles” to which we’ve received no response.

AN OPEN LETTER TO JOEL STEIN

About a year ago I made mix-CD composed of songs about the moon. Almost all of them had the word “moon” featured prominently in the title or chorus. I’d also like to think that an underlying theme of celestial mystery ran throughout the CD (except, maybe, for the 4 minutes of “Rodeo Moon” by Toby Keith). I even downloaded a picture of the moon from someplace called www.moonsociety.org (apparently devoted to colonization) and put it in on the cover along with the title “Tune River”. But a day after sending the CD, I was eating dinner when I realized I’d forgotten an essential song by neo-folkie Josh Ritter! Convinced I would never forgive myself, I smashed a plate and screamed, “I don’t care what you will say in an article a year from now Joel Stein, mixing CDs is my art and I will never give up!”

A year later, Joel Stein wrote an article for Entertainment Weekly declaring that custom mix CDs were just about “trying to look cool” and that even good mixes were “inherently evil”. He said he was fed up with all the custom mix CDs he was getting from friends for holidays. Respectfully, maybe it is Joel’s choice of friends he should be disgusted with, not with this new age of musical liberality. If his friends are, as he says, just “dragging MP3s from column A to column B”, then he certainly has a right to be sickened. I don’t know what software they’re using, but I sure as hell don’t use dragging or columns, much less the inferior-quality of MP3s. I’m guessing that if these friends of his were to make a moon CD, it would consist largely of Pink Floyd, REM, and Creedence Clearwater Revival.

A great mix CD should introduce the listener to new music but with something slightly familiar mixed in. Just not “Bad Moon Rising” or “Man on the Moon” familiar. Let me say something about a CD I would make for Joel Stein, ignoring for the moment the homo-erotic subtext of such an activity. I would start him off with something he’s never heard before, something spry but cynical, just like Joel. I would sprinkle the middle with an odds-n-sods mix of indie-rock and almost-forgotten 70’s hits, plus just one traditional jazz song just to make him wonder. Then, I would finish him off with a rousing number by Alien Ant Farm, because I hear they really rock, and I want Joel’s last memory of my CD to be “My belief in mix CDs is restored and I’m sorry I… I can’t think anymore, I’m too busy rocking!”

It is true that the nature of music has changed. People used to associate the music on a record with the art on its jacket and the feel of the bean bag while they were hearing it. People used to associate the music on a CD, even, with the art in its booklet and all the trouble it took to peel off the little silver tab when trying to get it open for the first time. Now, it is likely many people would only associate “Missundaztood” by Pink with the “Gym Workout” playlist on their iPod. I say, embrace this new age of portability and ease, but educate yourself on the nuances of mish-mash, custom song collections before going crazy with the new found power.

Personally, I would love for someone to give me a mix CD for any holiday. Unless, of course, it’s all I get from that person, in which case, they can stuff their cheap present where the sun don’t shine, and I’m not talking about the dark side of the moon.

Dear Nathan

Dear Nathan,

Since moving out of my parents’ home, I’ve always shared an apartment with a roommate. I work full-time on a night shift and don’t make enough money to live alone.

About six months ago, I got a new roommate. The first week “Nicole” lived here, her boyfriend “Steve” stayed over every night. I thought maybe she was nervous in a new place or scared of the dark, so I didn’t say anything, but the situation is getting worse.

Now her new boyfriend “Gabe” not only spends every other night here, but he comes and goes even when “Nicole” isn’t home. A week ago, after “Nicole” left for work, “Gabe” came by in the morning and hung around until late afternoon. He showered, changed his clothes, watched television and left before she came home. I’m not sure, but I think I saw his penis through a crack in the bathroom door when he was drying off.

“Gabe’s” a nice person, which makes me feel guilty for not wanting him around, but I need my privacy… and he need his privacy, right?! One of the reasons I selected “Nicole” for a roommate was because she works days and I work nights. I assumed this would give us both breathing space. I didn’t count on “Gabe” lousing up the schedule. Also, “Steve” was back with some guy named “John” and they ate breakfast here in their underwear, yesterday morning… and that was my cereal!

Am I being unreasonable to expect these guys to spend less time here? If not, how do I tell Nicole without hurting anyone’s feelings? Please answer soon. I’m feeling… CROWDED OUT IN SACRAMENTO

Nathan says, “Hang in there.”

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Dear Nathan,

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over one month and we really love each other. She’s already let me go “up the shirt” but when are you really pushing the limit? I mean, is there a certain limit we, as Catholics, should have? I don’t know what I should do! Sometimes, I really hate church! — CONFUSED CATHOLIC TEEN

Nathan says, “Down the pants, sport-o.”

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Every two years, my family members gather for a holiday weekend, the Semi-Annual “Jones” Family Picnic, we call it. I usually host this little event at my home because I am geographically situated in the middle. I also have a large collection of board games and my husband has the biggest grill. These weekends are always filled with laughter and fun.

The problem is that one of our relatives, “Cousin Sally,” is a kleptomaniac. Invariably, after she has visited, I discover that something is missing from my home. It never has been anything valuable or expensive — usually a trinket worth about $10 — but this year, it was different. Shortly after the family get-together, I discovered that the TV in the family room was missing. I am not a forgetful person, and I organize my belongings in such a way that I know where everything is. I know for certain that the TV was stolen. It weighs like 500 pounds!

Also, someone never flushes the toilet. I don’t know if it’s her, too, but I’m thinking of not serving food anymore!

I feel violated and betrayed. What should I do? I am at my wits’ end. — MISSING THINGS IN DAYTON.

Nathan says, “Loosen up.”

Ethical Mailbag

This past weekend I was watching an Arena Football game – the Grand Rapids Rampage versus the San Jose SaberCats – with a buddy of mine. I’ll call him Stuart, but his real name is Kenneth Applebee (don’t say that, of course!). Stuart, or Stu as I like to call him, have been buddies a long time, we’ve been through it all: “Friends in Low Places” karaoke nights, and a buttload of Whataburgers together. I’ve known him going on three years come this September. Well, Professor, at half time of the game this past Saturday, Stu gets up from his seat on the couch, comes over to my La-Z-Boy and starts giving me a lap dance. I tried to protest, but he just took his index finger and placed over my lips as if he was telling me to hush. Stu and I have been to a few strip clubs together and obviously that’s where he picked up some of the moves he was doing on me. I let him do his dance, but I was not real happy about. Just in time for the second half kickoff, Stu jumps off me back onto the couch, never saying a word. We did our karaoke on Tuesday and we’ve had a diner a few times, but have not spoken about the lap dance at all. Was Stuart’s halftime grind on me ethical? Help me I can’t sleep! – CAN’T SLEEP IN SEATTLE

I begin my response in a state of aggravation.  If I am to be able to answer your ethical queries I need from you more details. For instance, Stuart’s body was not described. Is he big-bodied or is his body more of a slim/petite? Also, did he smell of Aqua Velva or a man’s natural musk? Details, people, details! To be honest I cannot picture Stuart at all and that is a shame. Alas, I will try my best with what I have been given.

Readers, forgive me for my inept response to this man’s ethical dilemma, but please know for future reference that details of a man when giving a personal dance is vital for any reply.

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We were watching 101 Dalmations last night in my dorm room. Funny… as… shit! Anyway, we were going to get one and let it live in the bathroom that we share with Mike and Carl, but some guy at the pet store said they play rough, shed lots of hair, and can chew through a baseball bat, but I think it would make a great 5th floor mascot if we called him “Eight Ball”. Then, our RA said, “No way!” That guy is such a dick. Should we get a dog, anyway? – FUTURE PET OWNER?

Ahhh, you remind me of the dog named “Roach” in college I shared with my roomate. What we have here is a conflict between short-term and long-term interests. In the short-term, it would be easiest to repsect the rules and suggestions of the pet store owner and your resident advisor and not risk being expelled. But in the long-term, the relationship you build with your pet will benefit you for a life time.

Two out of three wins. The ethical solution is to buy the dog.

Dear Nathan

Dear Nathan,

My wife, “Janine,” and I were married three months ago. We have a large circle of friends who gave us wonderful wedding gifts.

Yesterday, a mysterious package arrived in the mail. It was addressed only to “Janine”, but we opened it together. Inside, we found a beautifully framed photograph of “Janine” with her old boyfriend, “Martin.” It had been taken several years ago in Paris. They were laughing with their arms around each other (in wet bathing suits) in front of the Eiffel Tower. I was very offended. I don’t even know why they were wearing bathing suits in the middle of France. I took the photograph out of the frame, threw it in the toilet, and shat on it. “Janine” thinks I overreacted and was fairly grossed out, but I couldn’t help myself.

“Martin” has never liked me because “I stole Janine away from him.” I believe he intentionally wanted to push my buttons — and I guess he succeeded. I totally trust “Janine”, but I feel my anger was justified. What do you think? — BUMMED

Nathan says, “Greeeatt…”

Dear Nathan,

My name is “Lisa” and I have a son named “Fred”. My ex-husband “Frankie” and I have been apart for over a year now. He is a Marine in Iraq. Recently, I have been receiving e-mails from him asking to get back together. I am not seeing anyone, and I feel for him, and “Fred” needs a dad, but I am not sure I want to be in a relationship with “Frankie” because he used to get crazy eyes sometimes. I’m sure being a psycho is a good thing when you’re mowing down brownies in the desert, but I don’t like it in the house. Plus, being an American troop is almost as good as being a movie star these days. If I turn him down, he’d thank me with all the play he’ll be getting when he comes home, right? What should I do? — CONFUSED IN AMERICA

Nathan says, “I don’t know.”

Dear Nathan,

For the past ten years, I have been secretly married to a man of whom my family does not approve. I have been able to keep them in the dark because I live in another state, told them I’ve been in college getting three master degrees, and have been avoiding their calls for, let’s just say, quite some time. I’m 33 years old, Robin, and I know the problems it will cause, especially because I have a mixed-race child they don’t know about. I need some tips on how to tell my family. Help! — NOT A STUDENT IN IDAHO

Nathan says, “Get a grip.”