Positive Feedback

I am usually not one to be overly effusive or wordy in my E-Bay feedback, but I just had to write you a personal note and let you know how much I enjoyed my lime-green bathrobe. Despite the fact the internet has multiple places to buy used medical equipment or funny Chia mohawks for bald people, it is virtually impossible to find this exact shade of robe. The only other one I could find, also on E-Bay, was used and looked like it was still damp in the picture.

As you probably guessed, I needed it for a Lance costume (Eric Stolz in Pulp Fiction… the drug dealer… he was in the movie for 5 minutes). Why you didn’t advertise your green robe “as worn by Lance” is beyond me, although I am thankful since that surely would have driven the price up. The party, at which everyone dressed as a Quentin Tarantino character, was a huge success and almost every person recognized me once I told them who I was supposed to be.

The robe does not even to suffer from the many ailments other robes in this price range (under $20) do. I am just judging by comments made on many other retailer sites. This did not come apart in the dryer, smell like chemicals, give me a rash on my bottom, or have a toothbrush in the pocket (which might have suggested it was actually a used item).

Without your help and fast shipping, none of this would have been possible. And I think I am going to wear it out nights often, if not every night. Thank you wny_liquidators7841!

Sincerely,
Nathan

Nathan the Mover, Part 4

Yet another person e-mails me under the assumption that I am the owner of a moving company in California…

Rita,

I am sorry I am responding to your urgent e-mail 3 days after the deadline (I only check my e-mail once a month – to get a hold of me in emergencies you can reach me on twitter under the name @the_real_nathan_the_mover_yo! ). To maintain my workers comp. coverage I understand I needed to make some changes to my workplace that involved a written safety plan and posting a written emergency evacuation plan.

As to the former, my safety plan is this – “No drinking while on the job!”. I have posted this in each of my vans so I don’t see what the problem is. I actually have another business where I rent out vans for people to live in, and I’ve even posted this safety plan in those. I believe it doubles as a life plan because if you’re renting a van to live in, then you should probably focus more on work and less on the liquor.

As for the latter, our workplace is a garage with a bunch of vans and an office with one door.  I think you would have to be pretty dumb not to figure out how to escape. Don’t get me wrong… let me tell you a little story. You know how sometimes grocery stores have a “special” person bagging? Well, I signed up to get one of those, but I was rejected. I think they did not appreciate me using the phrase “cheap labor” on my application… or the phrase “retarded labor” on my second application. Who knows, maybe I shouldn’t have been turning in my applications to the Albertson’s – they seemed confused. Anyway, my point is if I had one of those people working for me I could see the point in posting an evacuation plan, but until then, forget it.

Let me know if there are any more problems.

Thanks,

Nathan

Nathan the Mover, Part 3

I got this for the other Nathan…

“Hi Nathan,
Attached is the copy of my check, front and back, which was sent to you for my October payment which seems to be in question.  As you can see, I sent you a copy on November 22nd.  Hope this gets the issue resolved.

Thanks, and Happy New Year,
Carolyn Mulry”

And my reply…

Dear Carol Murphy,

I do vaguely remember getting your first e-mail, but it seemed meaningless to me since I could not figure out a way to turn this poorly copied and already processed check into cash. I thought about sending you a funny reply then, but you at least deserve a serious answer now.  I never got the check but this was no shock to me as I don’t own any vans or storage units, so it wouldn’t make much sense for you to pay me for them. If I did own a van, however, you would be more than welcome to rent it. I’m guessing it would be pretty awesome – maybe with a mural of Willow and Mad Mardigan painted on the outside.  Your $325 for an hour or two would seem about right. Here are some of the things I would probably spend it on:

1.    A mural of John McLane and John Rambo on the other side.

So as you can see, it would have gone to some really important stuff.  Please let me know if you would like to send me another check,

Nathan

Letter to the Depot

Even though I never really had anything against The Home Depot, the only reason I was shopping there is that my parents gave me a gift card (even though I specifically asked for a gift card to The Dream Palace Gentleman’s Club).  So, I ordered a garbage disposal off of your website. At this point, my only wish is that once I finally get this thing, Mrs. Home Depot will somehow lose her wedding ring down my kitchen sink, and then my blood-spattered face will be laughing maniacally after I turn it on while you (Mr. Home Depot) are searching for it.  What sort of customer service nightmare would cause me to have such an extreme reaction? Admittedly, it was not a disastrous one, just an incredibly annoying one.  Also, I am not an emotionally “sound” person to begin with.

Let me point out that “the convenience of online shopping” cannot be spelled without “convenience”. After I placed my order, it appeared that you had not charged my gift card at all, only my credit card. Naturally, I sent an e-mail one minute later to explain the situation. And naturally, I was sent a shipping confirmation two days later before you replied to my e-mail stating that nothing could be done because my order had already been sent – you said it was my responsibility to call UPS and refuse the order.

I called UPS and attempted to refuse the order. Instead of using your phrasing (“refuse” has such an off-putting tone), I told them that “I would like to decline your generous offer of a parcel”. I also followed it with, “you deaf fucking robot,” because it was an automated system that would not understand anything I said. Once I got a human, she acted like I was an idiot because I didn’t know I would have to wait for the actual delivery before refusing it. You you got me again, Home Depot!

For some reason I decided to go into an actual store and plead my case (with tears). They gave me many reasons why I was an idiot. You’d won again!

I imagine the conclusion of this thing will be me sending back the package for a credit and buying it at the store with the gift card.  It will be completely anticlimactic… until you open the package. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but you should probably tell Mrs. Home Depot you love her while you still can and maybe watch the movie Seven together if you appreciate irony.

Sincerely,

Nathan

To My Home Owners Association…

Over the last few weeks, I have received several letters from the HOA president, Timothy, complaining about how he was being “unfairly” removed from his office. Today I received one from the board complaining about those letters, and these depicted his removal somewhat differently… as “fair”. Fascinating.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but the HOA should go completely unnoticed for those of us (99% of the residents) who would like to ignore it. I would compare it to Herpes – you just pay your bills and hope you never hear from it. Please don’t be offended, I am not equating any specific board member with genital warts… except for one – specifically, the one who called into question Tim’s actions regarding his use of unapproved gopher poison to deal with our pigeon problem. How dare you.  As you noted, it may have killed “15 pigeons, some smaller birds, one cat, and a squirrel (that we know of)”, but what exactly was your solution? I know Tim is an ex-cop – I just hope he possessed the same regard for life and levels of excessive overreaction he does now.

While I did find your letter completely unprofessional and overwhelmingly annoying, there were a couple parts that made me giggle: implying Tim destroyed ballots of an amendment vote to serve his own interests, implying Tim fired property mangers because of personal vendettas, admonishing Tim for taking credit for how nice the property looked when it is the result of maintenance staff, and finally thanking Tim for still serving on the board.

To sum up, will you please stop sending me these letters and do something about the people who live below me and constantly have a trash bag beside their front door? I used to live in an apartment complex where lots of people did this, but it didn’t matter because everyone was much more concerned with their underwear getting stolen out of the washing machines or being murdered in the middle of the night.  Your letter goes through great pains to emphasize the beauty of our condominiums and your yeoman’s effort to keep them that way, so c’mon…

“No Poop on the Front Stoop (not literally… but please take it literally, too)!”

Please don’t make me start stapling that message to all our palm trees.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

(FYI, the reason I sent this anonymously so when you send a 5-page rebuttal to the entire complex I won’t get the blame, ok? Thanks.)

Nathan the Mover, Part 2

Another moving client wrote to me about his mom, Harriet, and all the details of her job, including these pertinent sections:

“Just writing to say I hope you received my phone messages today earlier with the various phone numbers and points of contact; please let me know if you have any questions. My mom is looking forward to the move and says she just hopes you have a big enough truck!? (Joking.)”

“…that stationary exercise bicycle, or my mom’s little fold-up bicycle, no, we have not put those in big boxes, figuring you have a method of dealing with those sorts of things… things like a wheelbarrow, or a few shovels and garden implements, no, we have not boxed those, figuring you have a method… things like kitchen implements, canned goods, towels, miscellaneous small tools, file folders, office supplies, all that stuff, yes, it’s been boxed…”

Dave,

I kind of read over your e-mail but started glazing over around the start of your itemized  laundry list (file folders, dishes, small tools, canned goods, etc.) Don’t worry about the last thing, by the way, as we usually eat any food items during the move… that’s one way we can offer such low prices, you see – by not having to stop at gas stations for food (although I have to admit it doesn’t matter if you’re just moving across town – we will still eat the peaches).  But basically, I get it – you have a bunch of shit. We’ll get it there. It’s what we do.

I was thinking more about your last name… I know your mom’s name is Henrietta or something, but are you related to Susan Boyle? She is this lady on YouTube who sings about dreaming and makes Simon Cowell smile. I wrote this for Wikipedia: “Global interest in Boyle was triggered by the contrast between her powerful voice and her plain appearance on stage. The juxtaposition of the audience’s first impression of her with the standing ovation she received after her performance led to an international media and Internet response…  CONSIDER ME A BIG PART OF THAT RESPONSE!!!” You probably know all that though, especially if you are related. I would like an autograph if you can make that happen.

Nathan

PS Maybe once your Mom sees how big my truck is she will not even think of joking about it.

Nathan The Former Camp Counselor

I recently got an e-mail for another Nathan from some people that appear to be from a Christian camp in the Ozarks. Attached is their included picture. I am still waiting for a response.

Dear Britt & Gayle,

Thank you for thinking of me. It seems so long ago that I spent those blissful days in His mountains along with the MK Care Shepherding team! You asked for updates on specific aspects of my life so here goes:

1. Work – I have a job at a surf shop in La Jolla.  I have found it extremely surprising that full time Bible School did not really teach me any practical skills. Fishing and spreading His word – not in high demand out here. I feel like Lord kind of let me down on this one.
2. School – As you may remember my plan was to attend Notre Dame, but I wanted to spend some time in California first.  This dude who works at La Surfer King with me convinced me that school only teaches you to be submissive to authority… he also said this was a bad thing.  More importantly, I spent my entire savings I had budgeted for one year in two weeks.  So I don’t have money for school anymore.
3. Culture Shock – As you can imagine, California is much different than Missouri. All the things you warned us about exist and are plentiful: drugs, alcohol, homosexual sex, heterosexual sex, and the Devil’s music, just to name a few. Unfortunately, I have now experienced all of these first hand…  sometimes by force.
4. Family – They do not speak to me anymore.

I know it seems I am quite far away from my goals of being a minister and marrying a woman… sometimes I wonder if I have lost my way… or maybe I have finally found it?  I think about shit like that sometimes when I am up for 72 hours straight. I appreciate the offer of your home phone number and would like to call you about questions like these. I have so many questions… like, how do I know this isn’t all someone else’s dream?! Some dude asked me that at a bonfire and it blew my mind. Be warned, I do most of my thinking late at night.

Also, I would love to join you for Thanksgiving per your invitation. Is it alright if I bring some friends? The guy I work with I told you about has a bus that can hold about 36 people.

This last part is embarrassing, but could you tell me which one of you is Britt and which one is Gayle? I never really figured that out, or if I did, I’ve completely forgotten it.

Thanks,

Nathan

The Violation of Section G-10

I was fined $500 for having glass at a pool party at my condominium. This is my response:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is regarding the bullshit fine given to Unit #365 for violation of Section G-10. There are three main points in my dispute of this assessment. I have followed all rules to the best of my ability in this instance and in previous instances where I have reserved the pool with no issues, including a complete lack of fecal incidents, though not necessarily a lack of pool sex (an act not at all prohibited in your monthly newsletter “The Center Court Community Digest” that apparently now doubles as the “official rules and regulations”).

1. The douche bag who brought (and broke) the bowl was not an invited guest of mine. Because of a prior pool reservation where other people came to swim, I wanted to know what I was liable for.  I verbally verified when reserving the pool that it was OK for me to let other people use the pool and I would not be responsible for their behavior. As such, I had no interest preventing other people I did not know from swimming or enjoying themselves.  I only know the person who brought the bowl as “Brent”.  I wish I could be of more help to who this inebriated & coked-up man-whore was, but he was no friend of mine.  He was with two other strangers, one with a large tattoo on his chest which I think  was a panther or maybe Garfield the cat (I’ve heard the HOA manager is a former police officer, so perhaps these details can aid in any investigation) .  Eventually, “Brent” seemed to understand that no one was going to eat his leftover slop, and tried to take it back his car or apartment or wherever the fuck he came from. Unfortunately, this clown began doing some retarded dance in an evident effort to entertain us, at which point he dropped it.  From what I understand, this entire situation was explained by one of my friends to the security guard (who promised to “take care of us”…  thanks a lot you miserable old battle-axe). They were all quite aware of the rules because of my insistence on no glass or pool shitting, which I’m afraid makes me come across as a real tight-ass.  Yet, I have done this because I am well aware of the rules.

2. I would like to reiterate I was told that I would only be responsible for my guests, but if this was complete ass-talk from the old man in the office, I would also like to make another point. Perhaps you will regard this as a technicality, but the bowl broken was not glass. It was clearly a ceramic bowl.  I fully understand the spirit of the rule, but as stated in your official rules, this is not a violation as ceramic is not “glass of any type”. Perhaps the regulations should be rewritten to include “breakable items” so it makes it easier for you to be complete assholes in the future.

3. Another thing – the sign posted at the pool clearly states that a fine for glass is $100. I’ve included a picture of it for your reference. I also have 3 witnesses in case you try and write over it with a Sharpie the way you did to the signs at the south pool. As an interesting side note, there was an older lady swimming when I took this picture. After explaining to her what I was doing, she told me a story in a thick Hungarian accent of how she had been bringing her twelve grandkids to the pool for ten years with no problems until the current HOA manager changed the rules limiting guests for no reason other than as an exhibition of his  delusional power trip. I thought she might just be a senile immigrant, but once she used the phrase “sad, washed-up cop with no meaning in his life”, I knew she was onto something.

I hope this resolves the matter. I would also like to note that I expect my deposit check for clean-up to be returned.  The area was as clean or cleaner when we left it than we got there. Despite Brent’s culpability, he did not show much interest in cleaning his mess. We made sure it was completely picked up since we fully understand the danger this could present in a swimming area (bloody feet, which leads to bloody water, which leads to sharks).

There are several of my guests who can verify anything I’ve written if you would like their contact information. In addition, Awesome John from Unit #344 was present for a short time. He was not a guest of mine, and I had not even met this guy before. But by liberally helping himself to our cooler of Bud Light and his use of the phrase “old twat” to describe the residents at the complex, I feel like he may be a future friend.

Thank you so much for your attention in this matter,

Nathan

Nathan the Runner

One of the other Nathans I often get e-mail for is apparently a runner at Victory Christian School because the cross country coach put me on his mailing list, and he recently asked for the members to update him with any changes in contact information…

Please remove me from this list – I have decided I hate running because God hates running. Ever hear of Jesus running anywhere? I didn’t think so. Don’t try and change my mind. If you ever see me running, it is only because my mom is making me – she is convinced that running expels demons when the opposite is probably true. Sometimes, I wish she would be stricken down with a holy bolt from the sky right before she reaches the finish line – maybe then all of you would learn!

Also, I don’t like to cast stones, but Nick Paloma and his entire family is insufferable [ed. note - I inferred this from the number of Palomas on the list].  If I have listen to them talk about their matching sneakers one more time, I might be forced to pray that one of them gets punched right in the face somehow.

And his response…

I will remove you from the list.  Sorry you don’t like running.  If I disliked it as much as you…I’d quit too!  Should our saviour ever change your mind about running give me a holler…I’ll add you back on.

Regards,
Rich

Nathan The Godly Stalker

An e-mail for the other Nathan Fuller accidentally landed in my inbox the other day.  Apparently, my shadow Nathan is experiencing some heartache… or something…

Hi Mr. Wall

Thanks for the email. =) I see your reasons and I respect them, that is ok.  I was actually praying that whatever you would say would determine what I would do.  I am content to be just friends, and if sometime in the future if the interest is still there we can continue are friendship at a better more logical time.  Essie is young, and your right about her not needing anything official with any guy while at NCA.  I appreciate and respect both you and and Essie =) thank you for the email.  Essie did say that if I wanted to talk/email her after I left that I needed to ask you first.  Do I have our permission to email/chat with her?

~Nathan Fuller

His response…

Yes, that would be fine. Thanks for taking the time to write as well.

Dave

And my response to Mr. Wall, in hopes of getting a restraining order taken out on somebody…

Fortunately, I have had a change of heart via the transmission of God’s Will through my daily prayer sessions. Ultimately, I must do what God says, not (like I had hoped) what you say – I’m sorry.

True love is a gift like the holy sunshine and we must bathe in its warmth – so I will follow Essie to NCA! If we cannot live together right now, then I have found a small room for rent  in very close proximity to campus. It is under a bar – technically a basement – but the rent is cheap if I agree to work as a busboy and I share my space with unopened palettes of beer.

I understand your concern that Essie is young… very young… but there is no age requirement for love. I mean, legally, there might be one according to man’s law, but that is not the Law I follow… anyway, I don’t think that necessarily applies here. How old is Essie again?

I have yet to make it official with Essie but as soon as she logs into her IM we will chat about it. I’m sure she will be happy to here my decision! I long for the day when she sends me the “love emoticon,” which is a little throbbing heart – I must say I’m getting frustrated by the constant smiley faces.

Sincerely,

Nathan