A EULOGY FOR JOHN RITTER
by Nathan Fuller 
- 9.17.03
The day John Ritter died, people were suddenly reminded of childhood
and the fond hours many of us spent watching Three’s Company
while drinking Shasta. I was not one of those people, and regardless
of my interest in gay sitcom subtext, I am glad I wasn’t.
I have a feeling I would share, at least, the underlying emotion
of one internet anti-fan who wrote this about the show:
“The one fantasy episode I thought of was where the
main character from the Texas chainsaw massacre rapes joyce dewit
and has ritter up the ass and at the same time is chainsawing
chrissy while mr and mrs roper are later forced to eat all three
of them. Yeah that would be good I WOULD ENJOY THAT VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!”
| John’s best television work was actually
Hooperman, an innovative, 30-minute show that was
half sitcom, half deadly cop shoot ‘em up. Although
it was cancelled after one season, it paved the way for at
least one more similar show (Dennis Leary’s The
Job) to also be cancelled after one season 15 years later. |
 |
Ritter’s movie career was also defined by his most embarrassing
work. Despite excellent turns in films like Sling Blade
and Tadpole, he might be most remembered for the dancing
condoms scene in Skin Deep. The only time I even recall
seeing him in the theatre was at the movie Stay Tuned,
which was about a married couple being sucked into the television
by a demon remote control or something. And the only reason I
even recollect that is because several teenage girls were pelting
me with candy. I have no idea why I was being hit with candy or
what I was doing going to see Stay Tuned in the first
place. All I remember is that I was in high school at the time
and the same thought that ran through my head for hours on end
every day was in full rotation that evening, “Get me out
of this place.”
After John Ritter died, several people hailed him as a comic genius.
I know it is polite to say nice things about people after they die
from a heart ailment, but that is stretching it. I think it would
have been deserved, however, if he had just made one small change
to his current show, 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter.
 |
From what I can tell by the commercials, it
is a sitcom in which Ritter plays a dad who has to do many
funny things to prevent teenage boys from sleeping with his
extremely hot teenage daughter. I never actually watched it
because I assumed Ritter’s character is successful in
his efforts. But the show would have been great by adding
just one simple thing. |
At the end of an episode, during the credit crawl, many shows
will show one more amusing little scene inconsequential to the
main story line. For 8 Simple Rules, it would have been
hilarious if they had a scene every week that implied John Ritter
was sleeping with his teenage daughter before they reveal that
he actually wasn’t. For instance, there could be a lot of
moans and grunts coming from the daughter’s bedroom, and
Ritter could open the door and walk out half-naked and sweaty
and say, “Goddamn!”, but then a few seconds later,
the daughter would come out wearing a leotard and say, “Dad,
when are you going to stop being so cheap and get us a membership
at the gym?!” Or in a similar setup, dad could come out
of the basement half-naked and sweaty and say “Yeah, that
felt nice,” and a few seconds later, the daughter stumbles
out half-naked and sweaty, but then an Indian walks out a few
seconds later and says, “Sweat lodge does good for soul.”
Of course, the series finale, which can never be taped now due
to Ritter’s timely passing, could have been the best since
Newhart discovered it was all a dream. Something like this would
happen: The camera would pan over the bedroom floor revealing
discarded garments. Is Ritter helping his daughter look for something
in the dresser as they throw clothes all over the place!? No,
because we would then see them both half-naked and sweaty in bed
and dad would say, “Remember, don’t tell mom we’re
having sex!” and the daughter would say, “I love you.”
|
