The First Sentence (or so) of Books I Plan to Write

The wedding went relatively well – it didn’t rain, two people had gotten married, and only two corpses were found the following morning, their mouths stuffed full of rice and flowers. Luckily, the best man was a detective- J. B. Wright. That’s me, and I’m hardly ever wrong. (Maybe a mystery novel?)

April showers bring May flowers, and in the year 2011, the beginning of the Zombie Flu (it’s just like it sounds) – I’d settle for a few more rainy days if I didn’t have to decapitate the re-animated bodies of my friends, neighbors, and co-workers almost every day.

Pete always found it odd that once the existence of Bigfoot was confirmed, the incidents of drunken rednecks in monkey suits being shot actually increased – and even odder that Peter himself became one of them shortly after his 32nd birthday. (likely historical fiction)

My name is Madison Towne, and these are my chunnels, or so the bumper sticker reads.

I was too drunk to decide between queso & chips or oatmeal cream pies – the occasion probably called for both – and so I began the long walk. (probably an autobiography)

He thought he saw the laundry pile in the middle of his room move (indeed, as if there was something alive underneath it, but that seemed highly unlikely), so when he kicked at the dirty clothes and heard a the cry of a baby, it was quite a shock. No clean underwear and a mysterious baby?! This was going to be quite a Monday!

He’d slept with almost all of his classmates, including all of the phonies and all of the muggles… at 12 he was already the most well renowned boy-wizard in Georgia, and if you asked the dudes in his P.E. class, the gayest as well.

Call me Ishtar.

Even as little Tom Swanson was getting trampled to death on the dance floor, glo-stick juice seeping up his nostrils with each tortured breath, he still thought to himself, “I am at a Rave, and this is the best I’ve ever felt!”

Nathan Vs. Nathan

Someone has spam attacked me by submitting my personal e-mail to various mailing lists, clubs, etc. I can only imagine that it is Nathan the Mover, upset that I have ruined his life by wittily replying to e-mails people mistakenly sent to me instead of him. The joke? Not on me, as I have had one of the most productive days of my life.

I have begun the early process of applying for the Army, subscribed to 11 magazines (including Good Housekeeping), will be receiving a trial sample of a penile enlargement wonder-pill, and have learned to read Spanish just by so much exposure.

Of course, it is also somewhat annoying that I now belong to 18 right-wing forums on the internet. So for that, Nathan the Mover will have to pay… dearly. Probably with his job, as the moving company I plan to form will be able to steal all the business I get from his misdirected e-mails… unless someone else did this, someone else who just doesn’t like me… oh, man, that could be anyone.

Nathan the Mover, Part 4

Yet another person e-mails me under the assumption that I am the owner of a moving company in California…

Rita,

I am sorry I am responding to your urgent e-mail 3 days after the deadline (I only check my e-mail once a month – to get a hold of me in emergencies you can reach me on twitter under the name @the_real_nathan_the_mover_yo! ). To maintain my workers comp. coverage I understand I needed to make some changes to my workplace that involved a written safety plan and posting a written emergency evacuation plan.

As to the former, my safety plan is this – “No drinking while on the job!”. I have posted this in each of my vans so I don’t see what the problem is. I actually have another business where I rent out vans for people to live in, and I’ve even posted this safety plan in those. I believe it doubles as a life plan because if you’re renting a van to live in, then you should probably focus more on work and less on the liquor.

As for the latter, our workplace is a garage with a bunch of vans and an office with one door.  I think you would have to be pretty dumb not to figure out how to escape. Don’t get me wrong… let me tell you a little story. You know how sometimes grocery stores have a “special” person bagging? Well, I signed up to get one of those, but I was rejected. I think they did not appreciate me using the phrase “cheap labor” on my application… or the phrase “retarded labor” on my second application. Who knows, maybe I shouldn’t have been turning in my applications to the Albertson’s – they seemed confused. Anyway, my point is if I had one of those people working for me I could see the point in posting an evacuation plan, but until then, forget it.

Let me know if there are any more problems.

Thanks,

Nathan

Reviews of Stuff I Bought on the Internet

Lavie Vitamin Dispeser: Put all your various pills in one BIG pill jar with several partitions so they won’t get mixed up… unless you shake it up real hard. Many see this as a con. I see it as an astonishing opportunity to try new combinations and experience some crazy mornings at work.

Air Therapy Key-Lime Aerosol: This stuff is amazing.  It Demolishes. To put it simply, it is like a key-lime tank defending the beaches of S**t Hill. The real S**t Hill is in Germany I believe, but there are also quite a few in my bathroom. I must warn against getting a little too aggressive and squeezing off a “pre-spray” into the toilet. If this stuff gets anywhere near the testicular area you will be very sad (in a way that burns).

Wood Vertical Letter Holder: I bought this to put my Netflix movies in because of the disorder stray Netflix envelopes will bring to a condo. It is pretty much perfect for said function. One could probably purchase this for 5 dollars at the nearest office store or mega-mart. Paying triple that, plus shipping, and waiting 1-3 weeks only to get one with a dented corner may seem to be an unnecessary hassle.  But THAT is the trade-off for locking yourself in the house for an extended amount of time and living like a shut-in… and well worth it, I think.

Coconut and lime Shampoo and Conditioner Samples: This stuff is amazing. It’s one of those things that I would to take to a deserted island, even if I could only bring 5 items. Even if the island already had coconuts and limes, which (let’s face facts) it probably would.

Game Show Moments Gone Bananas DVD: I was expecting some moments from game shows that were bananas. This is what I feel the title promised. I feel that most of the moments were far from bananas. Maybe one or two moments were bananas. The other moments were a little crazy, but not bananas. Save your money and get something like All-Star Family Feud Moments, which is certainly much more truthful in it’s title. General Hospital Vs. the Brady Bunch? That’s  bananas.