Nathan the Mover, Part 3

I got this for the other Nathan…

“Hi Nathan,
Attached is the copy of my check, front and back, which was sent to you for my October payment which seems to be in question.  As you can see, I sent you a copy on November 22nd.  Hope this gets the issue resolved.

Thanks, and Happy New Year,
Carolyn Mulry”

And my reply…

Dear Carol Murphy,

I do vaguely remember getting your first e-mail, but it seemed meaningless to me since I could not figure out a way to turn this poorly copied and already processed check into cash. I thought about sending you a funny reply then, but you at least deserve a serious answer now.  I never got the check but this was no shock to me as I don’t own any vans or storage units, so it wouldn’t make much sense for you to pay me for them. If I did own a van, however, you would be more than welcome to rent it. I’m guessing it would be pretty awesome – maybe with a mural of Willow and Mad Mardigan painted on the outside.  Your $325 for an hour or two would seem about right. Here are some of the things I would probably spend it on:

1.    A mural of John McLane and John Rambo on the other side.

So as you can see, it would have gone to some really important stuff.  Please let me know if you would like to send me another check,

Nathan

Letter to the Depot

Even though I never really had anything against The Home Depot, the only reason I was shopping there is that my parents gave me a gift card (even though I specifically asked for a gift card to The Dream Palace Gentleman’s Club).  So, I ordered a garbage disposal off of your website. At this point, my only wish is that once I finally get this thing, Mrs. Home Depot will somehow lose her wedding ring down my kitchen sink, and then my blood-spattered face will be laughing maniacally after I turn it on while you (Mr. Home Depot) are searching for it.  What sort of customer service nightmare would cause me to have such an extreme reaction? Admittedly, it was not a disastrous one, just an incredibly annoying one.  Also, I am not an emotionally “sound” person to begin with.

Let me point out that “the convenience of online shopping” cannot be spelled without “convenience”. After I placed my order, it appeared that you had not charged my gift card at all, only my credit card. Naturally, I sent an e-mail one minute later to explain the situation. And naturally, I was sent a shipping confirmation two days later before you replied to my e-mail stating that nothing could be done because my order had already been sent – you said it was my responsibility to call UPS and refuse the order.

I called UPS and attempted to refuse the order. Instead of using your phrasing (“refuse” has such an off-putting tone), I told them that “I would like to decline your generous offer of a parcel”. I also followed it with, “you deaf fucking robot,” because it was an automated system that would not understand anything I said. Once I got a human, she acted like I was an idiot because I didn’t know I would have to wait for the actual delivery before refusing it. You you got me again, Home Depot!

For some reason I decided to go into an actual store and plead my case (with tears). They gave me many reasons why I was an idiot. You’d won again!

I imagine the conclusion of this thing will be me sending back the package for a credit and buying it at the store with the gift card.  It will be completely anticlimactic… until you open the package. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but you should probably tell Mrs. Home Depot you love her while you still can and maybe watch the movie Seven together if you appreciate irony.

Sincerely,

Nathan

Netflix Reviews

Definitely, Maybe

3.0 Stars

If you loved the wacky used-book-based twist of Serendipity, then you’ll love this piece of crap!

0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

American Teen

4.0 Stars

A pretty good modern-doc. Back in my own school days, I was not even one of the “character types” portrayed here (though I most closely resembled the ultra popular, intelligent, star athlete!), but a handful of strong memories were stirred up by this film.

0 out of 10 people found this review helpful.

Live Free or Die Hard

1.0 Stars

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. It dies when the Mac guy is the best thing it has going for it.

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Heavy Metal Parking Lot

2.0 Stars

Entertaining video of a bunch of shirtless burnouts drinking light beer and yelling at the camera… but it is only ten minutes long! Shirtless burnouts are good for at least half an hour… way too short.

0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

Death Sentence

3.0 Stars

What rightfully should have been called “Kevin Bacon’s Death Wish VI”, this may be the most prescient parable about the Iraq war of our generation. Instead of hitting us over the head with didactic speeches or Hollywood-style bombast, it only relies on the brilliantly understated performance of a bald Kevin Bacon going crazy with a .357 Magnum.

0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

28 Weeks Later

2.0 Stars

This kept a couple cool things from the first one – the music, shaky cams, a creepy initial 5 minutes – but left many other things behind, including a general respect for the intelligence of the audience. This seems to be an emerging trend in zombie sequels that I believe should end immediately… and I know you Hollywood fat cats are reading this!

0 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

I Know Who Killed Me

1.0 Stars

This movie brilliantly combines the best elements of Showgirls, The Empire Strikes Back, The Parent Trap, and Hostel, along with plenty of Lynch-ian influences like blue motifs, themes of split identity, and owls. In fact, I am so fond of it, I kind of want to keep it to myself. You know how when a cool, local band breaks big, you lose a little of the connection you used to have with them? That’s how I feel about this movie… so I’m giving it one star in the hopes that no more people will see it, and I can love it more. That is the only reason I would ever give it one star.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Superbad

4.0 Stars

Judd Apatow’s brilliance in comedy seems to come from his ability capture the authenticity and awkwardness of youth which he perfected with Freaks and Geeks. That level is sometimes reached here, but over-the-top characters (like the cops) and situations (like everything the cops do) douse any sense of realism. It also makes me mad most of today’s kids who think this is the “funniest movie ever” are laughing AT the protagonists instead of relating to them… not that I do either… I was so much cooler than these nerds… whatever.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.Captivity

Captivity

1.0 Stars

Almost impossibly bad. It even looks like it was recorded on a camcorder. It is an especially bad recommendation for males – if you are accidentally aroused (because of Elisha Cuthbert or just a warm bowl of popcorn on your lap) you will feel disgusted with yourself on the off chance you were subconsciously responding to the torture scenes, or worse, the terrible film making. Save yourself from the shame and stay away.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Hostel: Part II

1.0 Stars

Do you know that 10-year-old kid in your neighborhood who fastens bottle rockets to stray cats and watches his coked-up mom through her bedroom keyhole while she copulates with a steady line of strangers? This is probably the movie he would make if he were given $30 million and allowed to drink 24 hours a day. Even if you have no soul and are looking for some graphically twisted and kinky torture porn, this is still a nonsensical, lame, rehash of the first one.

0 out of 17 people found this review helpful.

Deadly Friend

3.0 Stars

What can be said about this movie that has not already been said? Maybe that the abusive dad looks a little too much like Matt Frewer (Max Headroom) for comfort.

0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

Fido

4.0 Stars

Most movies presenting the possibility of “thinking” or domesticated undead (Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, etc.) mostly fall flat. This one, however, is a success. It basically takes the premise of Lassie and replaces the dog with the titular monster. It’s a zombie flick with heart… a heart that is eventually torn apart and eaten!

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Tipping the Velvet

4.0 Stars

I showed up for a young girl’s strange, homo-erotic journey in Victorian England. I stayed for the quirky look at love. Seriously.

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Care Bears: Fitness Fun

4.0 Stars

Many adults would probably dismiss this “cutesy” workout in favor of non-animated fare like “Denise Austen’s Boot Camp” or “Karen Voight’s Yoga Power”. On the contrary, it turns out Good Luck Bear may be one of the best pilates instructors working today. Sounds silly, but even Champ Bear (good at sports) admits to feeling the burn halfway through his routine! If you are looking for a more traditional adventure in the Kingdom of Caring, I would recommend “Care Bears: Adventures in Care-a-lot” or “Care Bears: Forest of Feelings”.

5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

Black Sheep

2.0 Stars

Attacking death-sheep turn out to be quite amusing, but the lack of invention and humor throughout prove to be this movie’s downfall. If you are looking for a refreshing absence of CGI in deference to old-school mutant gore, though, it’s definitely worth a look.

0 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

Black Book

3.0 Stars

A sweeping epic of love and betrayal during WWII inspired by the golden era of films… but also padded with gratuitous nudity, baths of human feces, bloody head shots, and an extra hour of unnecessary running time. Now you know why when I dream… I dream director Paul Verhoeven is my real father… and directing my life.

0 out of 12 people found this review helpful.

The Wind That Shakes the Barley

3.0 Stars

Based largely on the true story of early Irish resistance to the British occupation, this movie introduces the fantastical element of leprechaun-like creatures who teach the young freedom fighters the art of war and moonshining. The English army sends in battalions of orcs flying in huge zeppelins. The whole thing is shot in Gaelic with no subtitles, and I think the Cillian Murphy character’s main love interest is his sister. The film is kind of bizarre, to say the least, but recommended.

0 out of 22 people found this review helpful.

Old Joy

4.0 Stars

This beaucolic and meditative feature has all the things that turn most “people” away – themes of separation, friendship, and Oregon scenery, not to mention a serene performance by indie-god Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy. I would pound everyone of these “people’s” faces into the ground if I had the chance.

0 out of 11 people found this review helpful.

So I Married an Axe Murderer

5.0 Stars

I actually saw this in the theater and peed my pants. Don’t get me wrong, I usually pee myself in the theater because of a small bladder and an obsessive compulsion to not miss any part of a movie I’ve paid for. What I’m trying to say is, I thought it was very funny.

0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

Shooter

4.0 Stars

Easily one of the best action movies of the 1980′s. I have no idea why it took them over 17 years to finally release it.

0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

Outland

2.0 Stars

Possibly the worst DVD transfer I’ve ever seen. It looks like it was dubbed from a second-generation VHS tape, and I assume most people already have at least that good a version of Outland in their movie collection already. As for the actual movie, most people agree that the eye-popping seen in Total Recall is the apex of “death by exposure to the Martian atmosphere” scenes, but this gives it a good run for its money with at least two people exploding inside their space suits.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Zombie

3.0 Stars

Somewhat dated and featuring extremely uncharismatic leads, this movie has a couple things going for it… nudity and a zombie VS. shark encounter. Highly recommended.

0 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

Year of the Dog

4.0 Stars

Depressing. Funny. Life Affirming. Plus, the movie Babe plays a role in the plot. Though it may be a less than pivotal one… ONE EXTRA STAR!

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Vacancy

3.0 Stars

Suprisingly OK given it got a good review from the Maxim dude (c’mon guy, raise the bar a bit… stop reviewing movies based on the trailer). While Luke and Kate give decent performances, they still seem to be miscast. I would have liked to seen a more interesting pair like Val Kilmer and Abigail Breslin or maybe even Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri.

0 out of 12 people found this review helpful.

Black Snake Moan

3.0 Stars

Surely the gritty blues soundtrack and Christina Ricci chained in her underwear would be worth 3 stars alone… unfortunately, the movie fails to build upon this wonderful premise and, therefore, fails to score higher on my amazing star-o-meter!

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

To My Home Owners Association…

Over the last few weeks, I have received several letters from the HOA president, Timothy, complaining about how he was being “unfairly” removed from his office. Today I received one from the board complaining about those letters, and these depicted his removal somewhat differently… as “fair”. Fascinating.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but the HOA should go completely unnoticed for those of us (99% of the residents) who would like to ignore it. I would compare it to Herpes – you just pay your bills and hope you never hear from it. Please don’t be offended, I am not equating any specific board member with genital warts… except for one – specifically, the one who called into question Tim’s actions regarding his use of unapproved gopher poison to deal with our pigeon problem. How dare you.  As you noted, it may have killed “15 pigeons, some smaller birds, one cat, and a squirrel (that we know of)”, but what exactly was your solution? I know Tim is an ex-cop – I just hope he possessed the same regard for life and levels of excessive overreaction he does now.

While I did find your letter completely unprofessional and overwhelmingly annoying, there were a couple parts that made me giggle: implying Tim destroyed ballots of an amendment vote to serve his own interests, implying Tim fired property mangers because of personal vendettas, admonishing Tim for taking credit for how nice the property looked when it is the result of maintenance staff, and finally thanking Tim for still serving on the board.

To sum up, will you please stop sending me these letters and do something about the people who live below me and constantly have a trash bag beside their front door? I used to live in an apartment complex where lots of people did this, but it didn’t matter because everyone was much more concerned with their underwear getting stolen out of the washing machines or being murdered in the middle of the night.  Your letter goes through great pains to emphasize the beauty of our condominiums and your yeoman’s effort to keep them that way, so c’mon…

“No Poop on the Front Stoop (not literally… but please take it literally, too)!”

Please don’t make me start stapling that message to all our palm trees.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

(FYI, the reason I sent this anonymously so when you send a 5-page rebuttal to the entire complex I won’t get the blame, ok? Thanks.)