Sorry Liz

Apparently, Liz Phair has hired Avril Levine’s manager, producer, handler, hair stylist, or song writer, perhaps all of them. That is not a joke, nor are the results, which could generously be described as one of the most depressing falls from indie-grace ever. Phair has gone from creating one of the cleverest, most endearing debuts of Chicago history in her bedroom more than 10 years ago (Exile in Guyville) to becoming a cosmetic clone of Canada’s most annoying teenager. She’s self titled her new album, presumably to fool old fans into thinking she’s reached a moment of self-discovery and trick newcomers into thinking she is a totally new act. Unfortunately, the songs are spin-offs of so many unbelievably embarrassing sources that many will be clamoring for the cheeky pleasures of “Sk8er Dude”.

The record begins with a guitar riff straight out of the 311 playbook. That’s right, 311. Didn’t know 311 had a playbook? Phair did, and has it, along with Pink’s, Natalie Imbruglia’s, and Jewel’s. That’s right, Sarah McLaughlin, I mean Jewel. Things calm down after the first 5 seconds of loud guitars and settle into a generic, soft-rock groove of nondescript, female artists singing about things only the junior class could get excited about. That’s when it’s good. In the nauseating double-dip of “Favorite” and “Love Hate”, modern midi-beats are jettisoned for a glorious return to the synthesizers of Debbie Gibson. That’s right, Debbie Gibson. And during the big sendoff, “Good Love Never Dies,” a guitar lick John Karnes would be proud of finishes off each chorus (which incidentally compares love to “looking at the sun.”… ouch). And that’s right, John Karnes. That’s right, the studio guitarist for Richard Marx during the late 80’s.

For one brief moment, Liz tries to recapture the good old times with some sexual frankness and an acoustic guitar. But “Hot White Cum” is actually about the generative, life-giving powers of the titular liquid, not about a good money shot. For any fan of Liz Phair who still remembers opening the booklet of her debut CD and being immediately taken in by the candid photos accompanied by Dirty Harry quotes, wondering for weeks what that photo was of on the CD while listening to it, you will hope and pray that this is a gag. Maybe on her part, but not by me, which should be made quite clear by the following rating:

On an inverse scale of insufferable artists that Rolling Stone insists on calling the “Women of Rock”, where Janet Jackson is a 1 (not that bad) and Shakira is a 10 (really bad), Liz Phair is an Ashanti, the numerical equivalent of a 9.6 (it sucks).

More Quick Shots with Robert & Nathan

First subject – Jim Rome has a new show, is two shows two shows too many?!

NF: Rome is burning… me up!

RJ: Me too! There’s an ad spot for the Jim Rome show that has Rome encouraging new listeners to “keep listening” and that “they won’t like it at first” but they will grow to appreciate it. Poor marketing strategies aside, he’s right about one thing. I don’t like his show. Here’s my take…

Rome is a self-important hippopotamus. He always condemns the “clones” or callers for rehashing outdated, unfunny jokes in their e-mails, reads them on the air, chastises them for writing it, then reads another. And another. Furthermore, and try to follow me here, Rome is the original clone. It’s his material they’re copying, and I use the term “material” loosely, so bashing their takes is bashing his own. While we’re on the subject, his shtick is more tired than my friend, Fat Dave, after a game of one on one… in video basketball (that kid is fat). How many times can one man use the word “epic” before he buys a thesaurus? And just say “Ass!” instead of drawing it out real low every time like you’re slipping it past the censors. Classic!

NF: Have you noticed his radio “style”, or as they call it in the industry, “personality”, is to repeat everything 3 times but with slightly different inflections each time? It would seem in a medium compromised only of talking that repeating yourself would be an especially poor approach.

RJ: I’ve noticed he does a similar thing with guests when he asks them a question based on a question somebody else already asked. So and so, you made a great point the other day when you said…Can you elaborate on that? Then he stops to repeat to the audience what the guest just said. That is a great point from a solid jungle guy; he said that Shaq is the key to this series. Impressive!

NF: In what I can only assume is an attempt to be clever, he gives virtually everyone a nickname, like “J-Dub” or “Gracie”, unless that person already is known by their nickname. In that case he calls them by their given name, as in Orenthal. Also, very clever.

RJ: What burns me most of all about Rome, is that he was for the most part correct. I listen everyday. I hate him, yet I listen. I don’t listen because of Rome. I listen despite him. I know that he will have quality guests. I know that intelligent callers will get through, even if they do follow the same clone outline… Thanks for the vine… blah blah… epic… blah blah… Asssssss… blah blah… War (insert town here) tour stop. I know that despite Jim’s efforts to make me think otherwise, they make the show, not him. What I don’t know is what “war” means. Heroic!

NF: I guess that’s where we differ, because I don’t listen because of Rome. Period. The fact his opinions or callers are right is pointless because modern sports issues are so easy to figure out, anyway. The only reason they are “dilemmas” in the first place is because most of the people talking about them, sports talk show hosts, are idiots. This becomes apparent whenever their sports talk veers elsewhere, like politics, and they’re ability to employ logic , or even common sense, in an argument is zero.

RJ: Maybe you’re the zero.

NF: Maybe you should bang your monkey.

!!!

RJ: …I’m sorry.

NF: Me too.

Next subject – college coaches that quit and leave students with the bill!

RJ: With the last of the major dominos falling in the college coaching carousal, I feel I can finally discuss frankly the hoopla over Roy Williams and whether or not college players should be able to switch schools without sitting out a year like the coaches.

The argument against the players is that they sign with the institution, not the coach. But the coach clearly makes the institution, not the other way around. For 30 plus years the University of North Carolina was the cream of the crop under Dean smith and Bill Guthridge. Then, in only two years under Matt Dougherty, they became the crap of the cream or something. That, of course, led to his firing and William’s hiring. It was Dougherty that alienated his players and hurt recruiting, not the institution. If a coach can be held responsible for harming the schools chances of recruiting players, and keeping the ones they have, than he can certainly be given the credit for luring new ones.

NF: Interesting, but I would like an analogy…

RJ: To put it in a non-basketball sense, let’s use Harvard as an example. Harvard is widely regarded as having one of, if not the best, in the nation. What makes it so respected? Not the weather, the buildings, the desks, the classrooms, the libraries, the books, or the toilets. It’s the professors, like old Professor Elliot. They are the ones with the great minds, the great understanding, and the great ability to teach. If the entire faculty decided to re-employ themselves at Creighton or even a Jersey community college, prospective doctors and litigators and scientists would flock there able to continue their educations uninterrupted.

NF: Really? I think students understand the reputation of a school on a resume means more than the professors. Over time, I suppose…

RJ: Basketball is the same way – nice practice gyms don’t garner recruits, great coaches do. Players want coaches who can help them achieve their basketball goals of shoe sponsorship. Yet, they can’t follow their coaches to other schools because sitting out a year might as well be an expulsion. They aren’t going to pass any classes without the team “tutors” and they need that degree to get a job in the real world.

NF: That seems pretty condescending. Getting is a degree is overrated, anyway. I mean, I got one but I couldn’t get a real job.

RJ: Maybe that’s because you don’t have real degree. Media Arts, what the hell is that?

NF: At least I have a degree. Oh, wait, you did graduate from The Bartending Academy. How’s that working out?

RJ: I hate you.

NF: I hate you.

!!!

RJ: Wait, I’m sorry, I love you.

NF: Yeah, me too.

You guys are so gay.

Dear Nathan

Dear Nathan,

Since moving out of my parents’ home, I’ve always shared an apartment with a roommate. I work full-time on a night shift and don’t make enough money to live alone.

About six months ago, I got a new roommate. The first week “Nicole” lived here, her boyfriend “Steve” stayed over every night. I thought maybe she was nervous in a new place or scared of the dark, so I didn’t say anything, but the situation is getting worse.

Now her new boyfriend “Gabe” not only spends every other night here, but he comes and goes even when “Nicole” isn’t home. A week ago, after “Nicole” left for work, “Gabe” came by in the morning and hung around until late afternoon. He showered, changed his clothes, watched television and left before she came home. I’m not sure, but I think I saw his penis through a crack in the bathroom door when he was drying off.

“Gabe’s” a nice person, which makes me feel guilty for not wanting him around, but I need my privacy… and he need his privacy, right?! One of the reasons I selected “Nicole” for a roommate was because she works days and I work nights. I assumed this would give us both breathing space. I didn’t count on “Gabe” lousing up the schedule. Also, “Steve” was back with some guy named “John” and they ate breakfast here in their underwear, yesterday morning… and that was my cereal!

Am I being unreasonable to expect these guys to spend less time here? If not, how do I tell Nicole without hurting anyone’s feelings? Please answer soon. I’m feeling… CROWDED OUT IN SACRAMENTO

Nathan says, “Hang in there.”

______________________________________

Dear Nathan,

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over one month and we really love each other. She’s already let me go “up the shirt” but when are you really pushing the limit? I mean, is there a certain limit we, as Catholics, should have? I don’t know what I should do! Sometimes, I really hate church! — CONFUSED CATHOLIC TEEN

Nathan says, “Down the pants, sport-o.”

______________________________________

Every two years, my family members gather for a holiday weekend, the Semi-Annual “Jones” Family Picnic, we call it. I usually host this little event at my home because I am geographically situated in the middle. I also have a large collection of board games and my husband has the biggest grill. These weekends are always filled with laughter and fun.

The problem is that one of our relatives, “Cousin Sally,” is a kleptomaniac. Invariably, after she has visited, I discover that something is missing from my home. It never has been anything valuable or expensive — usually a trinket worth about $10 — but this year, it was different. Shortly after the family get-together, I discovered that the TV in the family room was missing. I am not a forgetful person, and I organize my belongings in such a way that I know where everything is. I know for certain that the TV was stolen. It weighs like 500 pounds!

Also, someone never flushes the toilet. I don’t know if it’s her, too, but I’m thinking of not serving food anymore!

I feel violated and betrayed. What should I do? I am at my wits’ end. — MISSING THINGS IN DAYTON.

Nathan says, “Loosen up.”

Ethical Mailbag

This past weekend I was watching an Arena Football game – the Grand Rapids Rampage versus the San Jose SaberCats – with a buddy of mine. I’ll call him Stuart, but his real name is Kenneth Applebee (don’t say that, of course!). Stuart, or Stu as I like to call him, have been buddies a long time, we’ve been through it all: “Friends in Low Places” karaoke nights, and a buttload of Whataburgers together. I’ve known him going on three years come this September. Well, Professor, at half time of the game this past Saturday, Stu gets up from his seat on the couch, comes over to my La-Z-Boy and starts giving me a lap dance. I tried to protest, but he just took his index finger and placed over my lips as if he was telling me to hush. Stu and I have been to a few strip clubs together and obviously that’s where he picked up some of the moves he was doing on me. I let him do his dance, but I was not real happy about. Just in time for the second half kickoff, Stu jumps off me back onto the couch, never saying a word. We did our karaoke on Tuesday and we’ve had a diner a few times, but have not spoken about the lap dance at all. Was Stuart’s halftime grind on me ethical? Help me I can’t sleep! – CAN’T SLEEP IN SEATTLE

I begin my response in a state of aggravation.  If I am to be able to answer your ethical queries I need from you more details. For instance, Stuart’s body was not described. Is he big-bodied or is his body more of a slim/petite? Also, did he smell of Aqua Velva or a man’s natural musk? Details, people, details! To be honest I cannot picture Stuart at all and that is a shame. Alas, I will try my best with what I have been given.

The ethics in this matter are grounded in your behavior while he danced. With what amount of currency did you tip, and where were the bills placed? When a given a lap dance by a man it is most ethical to place the bills along the waist line of his pants, while brushing his undergarments with your fingers is optional. At no time should change be dropped into his trousers. After the pants come off, however, anything goes. The rule of thumb is to gauge for yourself the chemistry you have with your dancer. Certainly, you can at that point hand him more money, but as he grinds I would recommend using the money to gently caress his lower back/buttocks area. As stated, though, when your male stripper has reduced himself to only the natural curves of his flesh, anything goes.

Know this: in a darkened club use one dollar bills, but when hiring an out-call start with fives and then make your way up twenties.

Readers, forgive me for my inept response to this man’s ethical dilemma, but please know for future reference that details of a man when giving a personal dance is vital for any reply.

__________________________________________________

We were watching 101 Dalmations last night in my dorm room. Funny… as… shit! Anyway, we were going to get one and let it live in the bathroom that we share with Mike and Carl, but some guy at the pet store said they play rough, shed lots of hair, and can chew through a baseball bat, but I think it would make a great 5th floor mascot if we called him “Eight Ball”. Then, our RA said, “No way!” That guy is such a dick. Should we get a dog, anyway? – FUTURE PET OWNER?

Ahhh, you remind me of the dog named “Roach” in college I shared with my roomate. What we have here is a conflict between short-term and long-term interests. In the short-term, it would be easiest to repsect the rules and suggestions of the pet store owner and your resident advisor and not risk being expelled. But in the long-term, the relationship you build with your pet will benefit you for a life time.

To find a resolution, first let us look at an ends-based perspective- you would take the action that would provide the greatest good to the greatest number of people. So, you should get the dog, because he would be great at parties. But from a rule-based perspective, you would try to make the decision you would want other students to make in similar situations. So, you should also get the dog, because it is only natural for young collegiates to rebel against authority figures like pet store owners. Finally, drawing upon a care-based perspective, you would try to get into “the other’s” shoes before making your decision. From the dog’s perspective, he will likely lead a terrible life spending most of his time in a shower. His feces will be scooped up rarely. He will be paraded in front of co-eds only as a means for it’s owner to procure dates.

Two out of three wins. The ethical solution is to buy the dog.

Dark Side of the Internet

In the future, this column will be dedicated to much more subversive stunts like to sign up for Match.com and use the following photo of Beastmaster-era Marc Singer to see how many respones we get and then break all their hearts. Ha-ha. This week, however, we went into a chat room dedicated to the Matrix the night Reloaded came out under the nickname GayMorpheus26589. We wanted to see how fast we could get kicked out or targeted by a some kid who thought he was the real Neo and erase our hard drive…

MCCLANE_98: Just got back from RELOADED, yes
a_drew_ross_film: I loved Reloaded, I’m going to watch it again Saturday
kineticpen: im sitting here explaining shit to you idiots
kineticpen: simple shit
kineticpen: and all you can blab about is neos fight scenes
inner_soul42: everyone go see that movie if you liked the first one
Wulfen13th: I think that was the best freeway chase scene in forever
rvds_left_ovary: God the Matrix ruled it like a mother fucker
GayMorpheus26589: I was at the theater tonight to see Daddy Day Care and all these losers were lined up to see that movie you’re talking about
inner_soul42: i was left with the same feeling from the first matrix
kineticpen: shut the fuck up faggot gaymopres
matrixiispoiler: i’m so sick of all the wannabe intellects our there who try to prove how smart they are by saying everything sucks, but don’t have any intelligent complaints about the movie
lilredrooster420: Hey I just have to get this off my chest KEVIN COSTNER CANT ACT
r8drzfn7: any ladies wanna chat 21/m/cali
GayMorpheus26589: Daddy Day Care was sweet. It was better than Bend it Like Beckham, which kicked asssss!
a_drew_ross_film: whatever, no movie anytime soon is gonna top Reloaded in the action and special affects
inner_soul42: you know what pissed me off the most, i read a critics review of matrix reloaded, he gave it a 1 1/2 star out of 4. bullshit, that movies was unbelievable
kineticpen: anyone can see what a moron you are
GayMorpheus26589: Bend it Like Beckham is a movie about soccer and I said it “kicked” ass, did anyone get that?
travthx: Is the creator of the Matrix was the white guy……….. youd think he’d make white males have the big cocks…..
kineticpen: i really dont have to point it out
tyrelldavis: well can NEO use the matrix to make IT as big as he wants?
GayMorpheus26589: how many of you have painted your walls to look like the matrix symbols, all black with green characters all over and they glow in the dark and trinity is painted on the ceiling?
a_drew_ross_film: Maybe you do shit!
Swah: yeah, I Love How it all ties into the bible, it’s deep
GayMorpheus26589: OK, how many of you DON’T have the NEO Underoos?
kineticpen: neos power is based in VR
kineticpen: why the fuck are you even in here, gaymorp?
inner_soul42: what if this life is a form of a matrix
GayMorpheus26589: Daddy Day Care rocked.. Murphy is the bomb!

***GayMorpheus26589 has been kicked by the channel opperator***

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