Albuterol For The Soul – LittleCubeNews.com

I got this for the other Nathan…

“Hi Nathan,
Attached is the copy of my check, front and back, which was sent to you for my October payment which seems to be in question.  As you can see, I sent you a copy on November 22nd.  Hope this gets the issue resolved.

Thanks, and Happy New Year,
Carolyn Mulry”

And my reply…

Dear Carol Murphy,

I do vaguely remember getting your first e-mail, but it seemed meaningless to me since I could not figure out a way to turn this poorly copied and already processed check into cash. I thought about sending you a funny reply then, but you at least deserve a serious answer now.  I never got the check but this was no shock to me as I don’t own any vans or storage units, so it wouldn’t make much sense for you to pay me for them. If I did own a van, however, you would be more than welcome to rent it. I’m guessing it would be pretty awesome – maybe with a mural of Willow and Mad Mardigan painted on the outside.  Your $325 for an hour or two would seem about right. Here are some of the things I would probably spend it on:

1.    A mural of John McLane and John Rambo on the other side.

So as you can see, it would have gone to some really important stuff.  Please let me know if you would like to send me another check,

Nathan

Even though I never really had anything against The Home Depot, the only reason I was shopping there is that my parents gave me a gift card (even though I specifically asked for a gift card to The Dream Palace Gentleman’s Club).  So, I ordered a garbage disposal off of your website. At this point, my only wish is that once I finally get this thing, Mrs. Home Depot will somehow lose her wedding ring down my kitchen sink, and then my blood-spattered face will be laughing maniacally after I turn it on while you (Mr. Home Depot) are searching for it.  What sort of customer service nightmare would cause me to have such an extreme reaction? Admittedly, it was not a disastrous one, just an incredibly annoying one.  Also, I am not an emotionally “sound” person to begin with.

Let me point out that “the convenience of online shopping” cannot be spelled without “convenience”. After I placed my order, it appeared that you had not charged my gift card at all, only my credit card. Naturally, I sent an e-mail one minute later to explain the situation. And naturally, I was sent a shipping confirmation two days later before you replied to my e-mail stating that nothing could be done because my order had already been sent – you said it was my responsibility to call UPS and refuse the order.

I called UPS and attempted to refuse the order. Instead of using your phrasing (“refuse” has such an off-putting tone), I told them that “I would like to decline your generous offer of a parcel”. I also followed it with, “you deaf fucking robot,” because it was an automated system that would not understand anything I said. Once I got a human, she acted like I was an idiot because I didn’t know I would have to wait for the actual delivery before refusing it. You you got me again, Home Depot!

For some reason I decided to go into an actual store and plead my case (with tears). They gave me many reasons why I was an idiot. You’d won again!

I imagine the conclusion of this thing will be me sending back the package for a credit and buying it at the store with the gift card.  It will be completely anticlimactic… until you open the package. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but you should probably tell Mrs. Home Depot you love her while you still can and maybe watch the movie Seven together if you appreciate irony.

Sincerely,

Nathan

Definitely, Maybe

3.0 Stars

If you loved the wacky used-book-based twist of Serendipity, then you’ll love this piece of crap!

0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

American Teen

4.0 Stars

A pretty good modern-doc. Back in my own school days, I was not even one of the “character types” portrayed here (though I most closely resembled the ultra popular, intelligent, star athlete!), but a handful of strong memories were stirred up by this film.

0 out of 10 people found this review helpful.

Live Free or Die Hard

1.0 Stars

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. It dies when the Mac guy is the best thing it has going for it.

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Heavy Metal Parking Lot

2.0 Stars

Entertaining video of a bunch of shirtless burnouts drinking light beer and yelling at the camera… but it is only ten minutes long! Shirtless burnouts are good for at least half an hour… way too short.

0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

Death Sentence

3.0 Stars

What rightfully should have been called “Kevin Bacon’s Death Wish VI”, this may be the most prescient parable about the Iraq war of our generation. Instead of hitting us over the head with didactic speeches or Hollywood-style bombast, it only relies on the brilliantly understated performance of a bald Kevin Bacon going crazy with a .357 Magnum.

0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

28 Weeks Later

2.0 Stars

This kept a couple cool things from the first one – the music, shaky cams, a creepy initial 5 minutes – but left many other things behind, including a general respect for the intelligence of the audience. This seems to be an emerging trend in zombie sequels that I believe should end immediately… and I know you Hollywood fat cats are reading this!

0 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

I Know Who Killed Me

1.0 Stars

This movie brilliantly combines the best elements of Showgirls, The Empire Strikes Back, The Parent Trap, and Hostel, along with plenty of Lynch-ian influences like blue motifs, themes of split identity, and owls. In fact, I am so fond of it, I kind of want to keep it to myself. You know how when a cool, local band breaks big, you lose a little of the connection you used to have with them? That’s how I feel about this movie… so I’m giving it one star in the hopes that no more people will see it, and I can love it more. That is the only reason I would ever give it one star.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Superbad

4.0 Stars

Judd Apatow’s brilliance in comedy seems to come from his ability capture the authenticity and awkwardness of youth which he perfected with Freaks and Geeks. That level is sometimes reached here, but over-the-top characters (like the cops) and situations (like everything the cops do) douse any sense of realism. It also makes me mad most of today’s kids who think this is the “funniest movie ever” are laughing AT the protagonists instead of relating to them… not that I do either… I was so much cooler than these nerds… whatever.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.Captivity

Captivity

1.0 Stars

Almost impossibly bad. It even looks like it was recorded on a camcorder. It is an especially bad recommendation for males – if you are accidentally aroused (because of Elisha Cuthbert or just a warm bowl of popcorn on your lap) you will feel disgusted with yourself on the off chance you were subconsciously responding to the torture scenes, or worse, the terrible film making. Save yourself from the shame and stay away.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Hostel: Part II

1.0 Stars

Do you know that 10-year-old kid in your neighborhood who fastens bottle rockets to stray cats and watches his coked-up mom through her bedroom keyhole while she copulates with a steady line of strangers? This is probably the movie he would make if he were given $30 million and allowed to drink 24 hours a day. Even if you have no soul and are looking for some graphically twisted and kinky torture porn, this is still a nonsensical, lame, rehash of the first one.

0 out of 17 people found this review helpful.

Deadly Friend

3.0 Stars

What can be said about this movie that has not already been said? Maybe that the abusive dad looks a little too much like Matt Frewer (Max Headroom) for comfort.

0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

Fido

4.0 Stars

Most movies presenting the possibility of “thinking” or domesticated undead (Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, etc.) mostly fall flat. This one, however, is a success. It basically takes the premise of Lassie and replaces the dog with the titular monster. It’s a zombie flick with heart… a heart that is eventually torn apart and eaten!

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Tipping the Velvet

4.0 Stars

I showed up for a young girl’s strange, homo-erotic journey in Victorian England. I stayed for the quirky look at love. Seriously.

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Care Bears: Fitness Fun

4.0 Stars

Many adults would probably dismiss this “cutesy” workout in favor of non-animated fare like “Denise Austen’s Boot Camp” or “Karen Voight’s Yoga Power”. On the contrary, it turns out Good Luck Bear may be one of the best pilates instructors working today. Sounds silly, but even Champ Bear (good at sports) admits to feeling the burn halfway through his routine! If you are looking for a more traditional adventure in the Kingdom of Caring, I would recommend “Care Bears: Adventures in Care-a-lot” or “Care Bears: Forest of Feelings”.

5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

Black Sheep

2.0 Stars

Attacking death-sheep turn out to be quite amusing, but the lack of invention and humor throughout prove to be this movie’s downfall. If you are looking for a refreshing absence of CGI in deference to old-school mutant gore, though, it’s definitely worth a look.

0 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

Black Book

3.0 Stars

A sweeping epic of love and betrayal during WWII inspired by the golden era of films… but also padded with gratuitous nudity, baths of human feces, bloody head shots, and an extra hour of unnecessary running time. Now you know why when I dream… I dream director Paul Verhoeven is my real father… and directing my life.

0 out of 12 people found this review helpful.

The Wind That Shakes the Barley

3.0 Stars

Based largely on the true story of early Irish resistance to the British occupation, this movie introduces the fantastical element of leprechaun-like creatures who teach the young freedom fighters the art of war and moonshining. The English army sends in battalions of orcs flying in huge zeppelins. The whole thing is shot in Gaelic with no subtitles, and I think the Cillian Murphy character’s main love interest is his sister. The film is kind of bizarre, to say the least, but recommended.

0 out of 22 people found this review helpful.

Old Joy

4.0 Stars

This beaucolic and meditative feature has all the things that turn most “people” away – themes of separation, friendship, and Oregon scenery, not to mention a serene performance by indie-god Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy. I would pound everyone of these “people’s” faces into the ground if I had the chance.

0 out of 11 people found this review helpful.

So I Married an Axe Murderer

5.0 Stars

I actually saw this in the theater and peed my pants. Don’t get me wrong, I usually pee myself in the theater because of a small bladder and an obsessive compulsion to not miss any part of a movie I’ve paid for. What I’m trying to say is, I thought it was very funny.

0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

Shooter

4.0 Stars

Easily one of the best action movies of the 1980’s. I have no idea why it took them over 17 years to finally release it.

0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

Outland

2.0 Stars

Possibly the worst DVD transfer I’ve ever seen. It looks like it was dubbed from a second-generation VHS tape, and I assume most people already have at least that good a version of Outland in their movie collection already. As for the actual movie, most people agree that the eye-popping seen in Total Recall is the apex of “death by exposure to the Martian atmosphere” scenes, but this gives it a good run for its money with at least two people exploding inside their space suits.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Zombie

3.0 Stars

Somewhat dated and featuring extremely uncharismatic leads, this movie has a couple things going for it… nudity and a zombie VS. shark encounter. Highly recommended.

0 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

Year of the Dog

4.0 Stars

Depressing. Funny. Life Affirming. Plus, the movie Babe plays a role in the plot. Though it may be a less than pivotal one… ONE EXTRA STAR!

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Vacancy

3.0 Stars

Suprisingly OK given it got a good review from the Maxim dude (c’mon guy, raise the bar a bit… stop reviewing movies based on the trailer). While Luke and Kate give decent performances, they still seem to be miscast. I would have liked to seen a more interesting pair like Val Kilmer and Abigail Breslin or maybe even Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri.

0 out of 12 people found this review helpful.

Black Snake Moan

3.0 Stars

Surely the gritty blues soundtrack and Christina Ricci chained in her underwear would be worth 3 stars alone… unfortunately, the movie fails to build upon this wonderful premise and, therefore, fails to score higher on my amazing star-o-meter!

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Over the last few weeks, I have received several letters from the HOA president, Timothy, complaining about how he was being “unfairly” removed from his office. Today I received one from the board complaining about those letters, and these depicted his removal somewhat differently… as “fair”. Fascinating.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but the HOA should go completely unnoticed for those of us (99% of the residents) who would like to ignore it. I would compare it to Herpes – you just pay your bills and hope you never hear from it. Please don’t be offended, I am not equating any specific board member with genital warts… except for one – specifically, the one who called into question Tim’s actions regarding his use of unapproved gopher poison to deal with our pigeon problem. How dare you.  As you noted, it may have killed “15 pigeons, some smaller birds, one cat, and a squirrel (that we know of)”, but what exactly was your solution? I know Tim is an ex-cop – I just hope he possessed the same regard for life and levels of excessive overreaction he does now.

While I did find your letter completely unprofessional and overwhelmingly annoying, there were a couple parts that made me giggle: implying Tim destroyed ballots of an amendment vote to serve his own interests, implying Tim fired property mangers because of personal vendettas, admonishing Tim for taking credit for how nice the property looked when it is the result of maintenance staff, and finally thanking Tim for still serving on the board.

To sum up, will you please stop sending me these letters and do something about the people who live below me and constantly have a trash bag beside their front door? I used to live in an apartment complex where lots of people did this, but it didn’t matter because everyone was much more concerned with their underwear getting stolen out of the washing machines or being murdered in the middle of the night.  Your letter goes through great pains to emphasize the beauty of our condominiums and your yeoman’s effort to keep them that way, so c’mon…

“No Poop on the Front Stoop (not literally… but please take it literally, too)!”

Please don’t make me start stapling that message to all our palm trees.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

(FYI, the reason I sent this anonymously so when you send a 5-page rebuttal to the entire complex I won’t get the blame, ok? Thanks.)

Even though the site is dead, the dream lives on…

The Painted Desert, Arizona

Another moving client wrote to me about his mom, Harriet, and all the details of her job, including these pertinent sections:

“Just writing to say I hope you received my phone messages today earlier with the various phone numbers and points of contact; please let me know if you have any questions. My mom is looking forward to the move and says she just hopes you have a big enough truck!? (Joking.)”

“…that stationary exercise bicycle, or my mom’s little fold-up bicycle, no, we have not put those in big boxes, figuring you have a method of dealing with those sorts of things… things like a wheelbarrow, or a few shovels and garden implements, no, we have not boxed those, figuring you have a method… things like kitchen implements, canned goods, towels, miscellaneous small tools, file folders, office supplies, all that stuff, yes, it’s been boxed…”

Dave,

I kind of read over your e-mail but started glazing over around the start of your itemized  laundry list (file folders, dishes, small tools, canned goods, etc.) Don’t worry about the last thing, by the way, as we usually eat any food items during the move… that’s one way we can offer such low prices, you see – by not having to stop at gas stations for food (although I have to admit it doesn’t matter if you’re just moving across town – we will still eat the peaches).  But basically, I get it – you have a bunch of shit. We’ll get it there. It’s what we do.

I was thinking more about your last name… I know your mom’s name is Henrietta or something, but are you related to Susan Boyle? She is this lady on YouTube who sings about dreaming and makes Simon Cowell smile. I wrote this for Wikipedia: “Global interest in Boyle was triggered by the contrast between her powerful voice and her plain appearance on stage. The juxtaposition of the audience’s first impression of her with the standing ovation she received after her performance led to an international media and Internet response…  CONSIDER ME A BIG PART OF THAT RESPONSE!!!” You probably know all that though, especially if you are related. I would like an autograph if you can make that happen.

Nathan

PS Maybe once your Mom sees how big my truck is she will not even think of joking about it.

I was only embraced by the swamps of internet love for one year- that’s six months of paid time plus the six free months I got for being a total failure for the first half. I eventually found the secret to success, even though I suffered through many misfortunes, including this picture from a potential suitor:

Essentially, all you have to do is prepare correctly – do this one thing: make sure anyone you’re interested in has been at the internet thing for at least one month; in other words, long enough to have experienced plenty of winks, e-Harmony postings, and Match.com messages to have had their faith in the opposite sex completely destroyed. If they’ve actually been on some real life dates, even better. Then, all you have to do, is act normal. These are some actual stories that were shared with me by women on Match…

1.    “After not responding to his first inquiry, some guy e-mailed me a second time, promising that if I would talk to him he would send me a piece of fan-fiction he’d written about Garfield accidentally eating a ‘suicide lasagna’ that was mean for one of Jon’s terminally ill friends.” [ed. note - I’ve already searched the internet for this with no luck]

2.    “After appetizers at Applebees, he told me he was a photographer.  This line of conversation quickly lead to where I feared it would – he wanted me to come home with him that night for a fully nude session. I will give him credit for not bothering to lie when I jokingly asked him if they would be tasteful.”

3.    “Because I had listed ‘dogs’ on my profile under my ‘Likes’, he thought taking me to a dog park on our first date would be a good idea. It was quite awkward being there without a dog to begin with, but then he started wrestling with a border collie. And I do mean wrestling – he was covered in mud by the end. He also told me if he ever got a dog he would name it ‘Sexy Bitch’ and all the reasons why that would be funny.”

4.    This guy, who was 20 years older than me, asked me to come to his cabin for the weekend with him and his kid. He could tell I was reticent, to say the least, so he reassured me there was no reason to worry, ‘we would not be humping in front of his boy’”.

5.    “Well, one guy seemed totally normal for date number one, so I asked him over for a group dinner with friends.  The short version of the story is that he ended up passed out drunk in my bed after hitting on all the males in attendance and when that failed,  trying to stick his finger up my bum.”

As you can see, not only do these stories prove that you will have relative success on ‘net-bred meetings if you just manage to avoid humping up on strange dogs, but they are quite amusing in and of themselves. So much so, I think an ingenious proposal for a website would be called www.matchhell.com (I already registered it, so don’t bother trying) featuring horrific accounts of dates. It would be like a combination of Facebook, Amazon, and Twitter 3.0 for the lonely generation!  I doubt if that makes any sense, but I’m hoping buzzwords like ‘Twitter 3.0’ will keep the venture capitalists reading my e-mails a little longer than they normally would…  one response is all it takes.  Then, once I make my money, I can finally join www.dateamillionaire.com, where the rewards for not humping up on a strange dog will be greater than I ever imagined.

Last week I went to a beer festival, one that pretends to be about costumes and bluegrass instead of getting drunk. I like to play along though and decided to bring the facial hair in full force. But of what design? A quick trip to www.beards.org and I decide to go with the “friendly muttonchops”. I assume its name was derived by the affable union of cheek hair the mustache provides. Here it is:

I have no explanation for the purple doo-rag other than I had a purple shirt and it seemed to match pretty well. While my full intention was to shave this thing after the beer festival , it became immediately clear some things are just too amazing to die.  Most reactions could be summarized by a girl at my school who was sprinting down a hallway. Before I could tell her to stop the running she haulted and stared at me for ten straight seconds with a look of bewilderment and confusion. She eventually managed to say, “Awesome beard!” before she scampered away. I feel like this scenario takes place in the head of everyone who sees me, including mine. It is very hard to walk by a mirror without pausing for an extended period of time.

I recently got an e-mail for another Nathan from some people that appear to be from a Christian camp in the Ozarks. Attached is their included picture. I am still waiting for a response.

Dear Britt & Gayle,

Thank you for thinking of me. It seems so long ago that I spent those blissful days in His mountains along with the MK Care Shepherding team! You asked for updates on specific aspects of my life so here goes:

1. Work – I have a job at a surf shop in La Jolla.  I have found it extremely surprising that full time Bible School did not really teach me any practical skills. Fishing and spreading His word – not in high demand out here. I feel like Lord kind of let me down on this one.
2. School – As you may remember my plan was to attend Notre Dame, but I wanted to spend some time in California first.  This dude who works at La Surfer King with me convinced me that school only teaches you to be submissive to authority… he also said this was a bad thing.  More importantly, I spent my entire savings I had budgeted for one year in two weeks.  So I don’t have money for school anymore.
3. Culture Shock – As you can imagine, California is much different than Missouri. All the things you warned us about exist and are plentiful: drugs, alcohol, homosexual sex, heterosexual sex, and the Devil’s music, just to name a few. Unfortunately, I have now experienced all of these first hand…  sometimes by force.
4. Family – They do not speak to me anymore.

I know it seems I am quite far away from my goals of being a minister and marrying a woman… sometimes I wonder if I have lost my way… or maybe I have finally found it?  I think about shit like that sometimes when I am up for 72 hours straight. I appreciate the offer of your home phone number and would like to call you about questions like these. I have so many questions… like, how do I know this isn’t all someone else’s dream?! Some dude asked me that at a bonfire and it blew my mind. Be warned, I do most of my thinking late at night.

Also, I would love to join you for Thanksgiving per your invitation. Is it alright if I bring some friends? The guy I work with I told you about has a bus that can hold about 36 people.

This last part is embarrassing, but could you tell me which one of you is Britt and which one is Gayle? I never really figured that out, or if I did, I’ve completely forgotten it.

Thanks,

Nathan

These are the several versions of the speech I wrote as the best man for my friend Robert’s wedding. Six hasty glasses of wine prevents me from recalling what I actually said, only the evil eye his mom was giving me the entire time:

Robert  – married – I never thought I’d see the day.  Then again, I never thought I’d see him lose his virginity. And let’s just say, not only did I actually see him lose his virginity, I had a hand in it. And when I say, “I had a hand in it,” let’s just say I really mean it.… OK, if you didn’t like that joke people you’re really not going to like the rest, so… Congratulations to Robert and Kristen!

OR

First, I’d like to say thanks to Robert for making me the best man. Iroooonic, since I’m probably the worst man here tonight. Seriously, I’m depressed, bitter, and if I had the chance to meet most of you for more than 5 minutes, I’d probably hate you… OK, if you miserable fucks didn’t like that quote, joke, unquote, you’re really not going to like the rest, so… Congratulations to Robert and Kristen!

OR

When I think about Robert, I think about this time in high school we were going out one Friday night (probably to see a movie) and he joked to his mom that we were going “cruising for chicks”. According to mom, who for some reason was telling the story at the dinner table the next night, I responded with a facial expression that said, “What the hell?! Chicks?!” The inference, of course, was that I might be gay and, who knows, I might have been trying to swing Robert in that direction. Of course, as we can see tonight, looking at Robert and his beautiful bride, he is definitely not gay. And all the sex we had in college can be safely labeled as experimental… Zing! OK, if you didn’t like that joke people you’re really not going to like the rest, so… Congratulations to Robert and Kristen!

OR

When I moved to Arizona in 7^th grade I actually stole Robert’s best friend and we were enemies. In high school that guy started wearing eyeliner, so somehow Robert and I became friends. We played video games on Friday nights, had pathetic jobs, no girlfriends… then Robert got engaged last year and changed everything. Congratulations to Robert and Kristen!

OR

As long as I have known Robert, he has only had 3 loves: basketball, video games and sweaty men rubbing against each other.. I’m talking about professional wrestling, of course! I guess Kristin is now on the list, but I’m not sure where she falls. He is marrying her, and even though one night in college when we were drinking he went on for a while how he wished he could “marry video games” – I don’t even how that would work… I think this is a bit more serious, anyway. Besides, this is kind of the same thing… I know Kristin really “pushes his buttons”… get it?! Just like a video game controller or something! Ba-Bing!

OR

As long as I have known Robert, he has only had 3 loves: basketball, video games and sweaty men rubbing against each other.. I’m talking about professional wrestling, of course.  I guess Kristin is now on the list, but I’m not sure where she falls. He is marrying her, I remember the first night in college he ever drank he went on for a while how he wished he could “marry video games”, then this girl named Star took him into his bed and started yanking on his balls. The next morning he was like, “I don’t care who I marry, as long as she doesn’t yank on my balls – that fuckin’ hurt.” So… I guess we all know a little something about Kristin, and why it’s the stuff she doesn’t do, that makes her so special! [note to self: if that goes over badly, just stand up and say "Holy shit, dude, this isn't the latest draft! I cut all that inappropriate stuff out... the fact he watches professional wrestling is embarrassing... that ball-yanking material is still fuckin' gold though! [high five person sitting next me]“]